I Know Who I Am Now

Preparations

As night fell Kylo headed back to his quarters.  His mind felt full and his shoulders ached as though a great force was pressing down on them.  They would attack tomorrow.  He had commanded all troops to leave the girl to him. When he had said it he had felt Hux's eyes roaming over his face, wanting answers but too afraid to ask. 

Kylo closed the door to his quarters and sat down, pulling off his boots, helmet and gloves.  He lay back on the bed and closed his eyes.  Hux knew, of course he did.  He had always known that Rey hadn't defeated their Supreme Leader on her own, he'd just been far too afraid to say it. 

Rey, he had to find her before Hux tomorrow. Kylo's eyes opened for a moment, what would he do when he found Rey?  Let her go, let her kill him.  That thought resonated with Kylo for a moment.  He would be gone, free of this agonising pull and push between light and dark, but what of Rey?  If all the rest of the resistance were wiped out then what would her future hold.  Suddenly Kylo realised that he wanted to see that future.  When they had touched hands he had seen a glimpse of it and now, lying here on the eve of the battle he found his mind consumed with the scavenger girl from Jaccu.  That now all too familiar feeling flowed through his exhausted body.  That raw, male need.  He took a deep breath as he felt himself harden within the confines of his trousers.  It was a feeling that he had always been able to ignore in the past, pushing it away, denying himself any sort of pleasure but over the last few weeks it had become harder to ignore.  He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and tried to concentrate on the battle plan.  Finally his exhaustion got the better of him and neither his unsatisfied lust for Rey nor his whirling mind could hold sleep back any longer.

Rey awoke the next morning and sat up with a gasp.  How had she been so careless to allow herself to sleep so soundly?  When Leia had led Rey away yesterday she had sat down in front of her and begged her to try and speak with Ben, to try and find him in battle and stop this, stop him.  Both women had cried as they spoke, their two hearts aching, Leias with a mother's unconditional love and Rey's with a love that she still didn't fully understand.

Rey ran to the window and looked through driving rain to the ground below.  Resistance members were handing out weapons and waterproof cloaks.  Rey washed and dressed and then took the stairs two at a time, racing out into the rain and running straight into Poe.  "Woah, careful!" He said lightly, grabbing Rey's arms.  Rey smiled shyly as Poe handed her a cloak.  She pulled it on, glad of the protection from the elements.  "Sorry, I didn't mean to run into you" Rey said softly, avoiding Poes eyes.  Poe gently lifted her chin, "No I'm sorry.  Sorry for the way I acted.  Rey when you kissed me it felt amazing and I'm not going to lie, I wanted to go further than we did.  But I shouldn't have got cross when you said that you wanted to leave it, that's totally fine.  I was just disappointed and maybe a little frustrated.  I'm sorry".  Rey smiled, "Thank you.  Thank you for understanding, I ...".  Rey stopped and so did Poe, their eyes turning upwards just as a Tie fighter screamed overhead.  "Run!" Poe shouted taking Rey's hand and leading her into the trees.  Ahead of them resistance members had climbed the rocks, blasters in hand.  "Where's Leia?" Rey called up to them.  Mallus, a tall man with dark eyes and a beard leant forwards, "Not sure, she was collecting armour for some of our ground troops".  Rey stopped, she had to find her.  "Rey, come on!" Poe shouted through the rain as he began to climb the rocks.  "Leia can handle herself!" Poe shouted again, turning his head to look at Rey but she was already running, disappearing back through the trees.

"Supreme Leader your ship is ready" said officer Lincoln stiffly. Kylo nodded and closed his eyes under his mask, sucking in a deep breath.  "Very good" he said robotically as he followed officer Lincoln down to the hanger and his awaiting ship.  Hux was stood at the door and he half bowed as Kylo passed him, his pride still not quite allowing the full display of respect that was expected of him.  Kylo let it go today.  His mind was far too full of Rey to care.  He had to get to her before anyone else did.