I Know Who I Am Now

Matters of the heart.

Kylos head hurt, in fact it pounded.  He moaned as he sat up in bed.  He had been badly shaken up by not only his grandfathers appearance but also his words and, despite being massively tired, it had taken him hours to sleep, just adding to his exhaustion.

Kylo lay back down, squeezing his eyes shut.  Was Rey suffering like this?  Of course not he scoffed, she was surrounded by her resistance friends.  They would all be together somewhere, rebuilding their damned rebellion. 

A loud knock at his door and Kylos eyes flew open again, eliciting another moan of pain from deep within.  "Supreme Leader, General Hux has sent for you, he's about to unveil his plans for the new weapon he's been working on.  Kylo sat up slowly closing his eyes again as he answered.  "Very well I will be along shortly".  He waited for the sound of the troopers boots to disappear and then her swung his legs over the side of the bed and, wincing in pain, he stood up.  This day was not going to be easy.

By the time he had reached the control room Hux and four officers were sat around a long table, a hologram projected in front of them.  When Kylo came in all but Hux stood and bowed their heads.  Kylo stood watching Hux, waiting for him to do the same.  For a moment he pretended that he hadn't noticed but then finally with a sigh he rose to his feet and bobbed his head.  Kylo wanted to laugh behind his mask but instead he allowed himself a small smile. That was the joy of having his mask back. It was a good place to hide.

Once they were all seated Kylo turned in his seat to face Hux "So what do you have for me General?" He asked closing his eyes behind the mask, desperately trying to loose his headache. Hux leant forwards in his seat, clearly keen to share his achievements. "As I was saying before you arrived, I have prepared some plans". Hux pressed the round red button on the table in front of him and suddenly a hologram appeared showing some sort of cannon. Kylo leant forwards in his seat, usually the sight of such a thing would have excited him but now for some reason it raised no emotion within him. He sat back again "Very good General. How long until it's operational?". Hux switched off the projector, "Six weeks or so, and then we'll test it". Kylo nodded and then stopped abruptly, his head thumping again, "What target do you have in mind for a test?". Hux looked straight at Kylo as he spoke, a hint of a smile at his lips, "I was thinking maybe Chandrilla". Behind his mask Kylos mouth dropped open and his eyes became wide. He stood then, a little too quickly, making the other officers jump but Hux remained motionless, the smirk still playing across his lips. Kylo lifted his hand and Hux was force lifted out of his seat, the smile leaving his face and his eyes becoming wide as his hands flew up to claw at his neck. "Do not touch Chandrilla General, do I really need to remind you that it's my home planet. Find a different test site or I will be forced to use my powers to crush your wind pipe. Have I made myself clear?". Hux nodded as best he could and suddenly Kylo released his hold and Hux landed in a shaking heap on the floor. "That will be all" Kylo said turning to the frightened faces of the other officers who nodded and quickly left and then he too strode away to his private quarters, closing the door behind him and pullling off his mask.

Kylo was shaking. What had upset him so much about Chandrilla being blown up? It held lonely and painful memories for him and yet the mention of it being destroyed had made his stomach knot up and a terrifying, desperate feeling rush through his body. He leant against the closed door and shut his eyes. A moment later they flew open again. He knew exactly why he had reacted like that, Rey was there. He had no idea how but he just knew, she was there and something about knowing where she was again caused a fluttering in his stomach unlike anything he had ever felt. What was happening to him?

After Rey had agreed to spend time with the pilot, Poe had showered her with compliments, telling her how beautiful he thought she was and how impressed he was with her bravery. Un-used to compliments Rey had simply smiled shyly. Never before had a man or infact anyone spoken to her like that.

Rey spent the rest of the day with Poe. They explored the new site together, stopping to help where they could. Poe even let Rey sit in his x-wing and then laughed, surprised that she knew as much about its mechanics as he did.

That evening Poe, Rey and the other resistance members sat around a camp fire, each taking turns to tell a funny story. When it came to Rey's turn she stood up shyly, feeling her cheeks redden the most when she felt Poes eyes on her. Because she truly couldn't think of anything funny that had happened to her she recited her and Finns first meeting. Finn clapped his hands, standing to bow "Oh yes, that was me...I saved Rey!" , Rose shrieked with laughter and Poe stood up shaking a finger at Finn, "No way, sounds like Rey saved you man" he said making everyone including Rey laugh. Poes eyes were on her in an instant, their gaze locking and a smile creeping across his face.

"Rey! Wait up!". Rey stopped, looking over her shoulder. She had been on her way back to her makeshift bedroom at the castle when she had heard her name called. It was Poe, jogging towards her. Rey straightened, suddenly afraid of what this man wanted from her. She had no experience of men. In fact she reminded herself, the first and only man she had ever spent any sort of intimate time with was Ben. At the thought of him she felt her stomach drop. Where was he? "Can I walk you to your room?" Poe asked when he reached her. For a moment the question threw Rey but then finally she nodded, "Thank you". Poe fell into step with her and the two walked quietly next to one another. When they reached the steps to Rey's room Poe held out his hand. For a moment Rey stared at it, her mind grudgingly going back to Ben again. But there was no glove here she reminded herself, just a man who wanted her for her. She reached out her hand to Poe and was surprised to see that it was shaking. "It's ok" he said gently leading her up the stairs and stopping outside her door. He reached down and took her other hand then, holding them both to his chest. Rey could feel his heart beating furiously and suddenly she was very aware of their closeness. She tried to step away but before she could react Poes lips were on hers.

His lips were so soft, the feeling of another's mouth so alien to Rey that she struggled to keep up with his movements as his lips pressed to hers and his tongue pushed into her mouth. His hand was in her hair now, his other gripping her waist, pulling her to him, her hands flying up instinctively to hold his shoulders as he pushed her roughly against the closed door of her room, his whole body now pressed against hers. She felt a rush through her body, a feeling that she didn't recognise and suddenly she was very aware of hardness against her hip and in that moment she withdrew from him, tilting her head back against the wood of the door, breaking his trance.  His eyes snapped open, his breathing shaky, his eyes filled with an emotion that Rey didn't recognise.  "Rey, what?" He managed although Rey noted that all of his former bravado had gone and he was now struggling to speak.  Rey herself also felt something although she didn't fully understand what in that moment.   But what she did know was that the very obvious changes in the pilot when he kissed her had scared her and she wanted him to go now.  "Goodnight Poe" Rey managed before turning and slipping through the door, clicking it shut before he could object.  Rey listened for a moment. She heard a shaky breath and then Poe cursing loudly, his footsteps echoing away down the stairs.