I Know Who I Am Now

Chandrilla.

Kylo sat quietly in his private quarters thinking about Rey. Had she given up on him? He scolded himself for even thinking of her and yet ever since he had sensed that she was on Chandrilla he hadn't been able to stop thinking about her. But why Chandrilla? Unless....Suddenly a thought popped into his head taking him by surprise, unless of course his mother was still alive.

He lay back on the bed, pulling off his gloves as he went and dropping them to the floor.  Memories of Chandrilla flooded his mind and suddenly he lifted his hands to his eyes, as if covering them would block his past out.  He remembered being a small boy, playing alone in great flower meadows, swimming in the lakes, climbing the hills and mountains but always alone.  'Just like Rey' a voice inside his head whispered.  He thumped his fist down on the bed, hearing his voice cry out like a wounded animal.  What was wrong with him?  She was just a scavenger, just a damned scavenger he reminded himself, she was nothing.  Kylo turned onto his side, a deep ache filling his chest.  Nothing had changed since Chandrilla, he was still alone, the loneliness was almost suffocating.  He squeezed his eyes shut.  Why was she still in his head?  Why did she matter so much.  'She stopped you feeling this way.  She took away the emptiness' the voice in his head whispered.  He covered his ears, he couldn't hear this, he had to destroy her, and his mother, they couldn't live, they just couldn't.

A noise in the corner of the room and Kylo sat up too quickly making his head thump. There it was again, a whispering. He stood then and that was when he saw it. His grandfathers force ghost. Kylo stood still, his hands in fists at his side not sure that he wanted to hear what his grandfather had to say. "Ben".  Kylo felt a wave of irritation flow through him at the sound of his birth name.  He was trying so hard to destroy his past, to forget it and become what he was meant to be and yet all around him were pulls to his past, to the light.  "I don't go by that name anymore" he said feeling his anger swell within him.  "You let her call you that" his grandfather said softly. Kylo had been looking down, breathing heavily but on hearing his grandfathers words his head snapped up.  He knew he was referring to Rey.  A sudden shame filled him.  His stomach had fluttered wildly when she had used his name so softly and then, with her stepping so tantalisingly close to him in the elevator, he had thought for a moment about touching his lips to hers.  An alien thought that had shocked him but also confirmed in his mind that his vision was right.  If he felt so strongly about her it had to be real, she would stand by him.  Remembering his weakness around the girl made his cheeks colour and he spat back his reply before he even realised that his grandfather was gone "She means nothing to me!" He screamed to an empty room.