I Know Who I Am Now

It's too late.

"Hi Leia" Rey said quietly, her eyes still on the door.  Static...... "Has Ben gone?" Came Leias voice, the hurt clear as she said her sons name.  Rey swallowed hard, "Yes, I'm sorry".  Rey heard Leia let her breath out before she spoke, "Don't be.  But I heard him, I heard him use his birth name.  And that was my son speaking, the fire in his belly reminded me of myself". Rey smiled, "Poe hates me".  Leia laughed dryly, "Poe hates everyone right now.  He'll come to terms with it eventually".  Rey nodded, "How is everyone else?".  "We're all fine.  Now Rey I think a meeting would be beneficial, can I personally invite you back here tomorrow?".  Rey hesitated, she wanted to go badly but her conversation with Poe popped into her mind.  Could she deal with that if he attacked her like that face to face?  She wasn't sure.  As ever Leia seemed to read her thoughts, "If necessary I'll keep Poe away, just this once, allow us to set some ground work calmly without any hot headedness".  "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow morning, sorry again, about Ben I mean.." Rey trailed off.  "Don't apologise.  Just knowing that he is with you makes me feel so much better, look after yourself Rey, and him".

Ben was still shaking, sat in the only place that usually calmed him, in front of his grandfather's mask.  Hearing his mother's voice had rattled him more than even he had expected.  It had taken him back in time in that moment, back to when he was a child.  And now sat there alone his mind had begun to race.  He thought for the millionth time about his father and what he had done to him.  He thought about his grandfather's force ghost telling him to follow his heart, he thought about the endless, lonely days that had filled his young life and his adult life before he met Rey and suddenly without warning he began to cry. 

Rey walked straight to Bens room, her heart pounding, unsure of what to say to him. She hesitated at the door, her hand raised. She took a deep breath and then knocked.

Bens head snapped up, his hands quickly dabbing at his eyes. "Ben?" Came Rey's voice. He sniffed, drying his eyes on his sleeves and then glancing in the mirror before he opened the door.

Rey's heart ached when she saw Ben standing infront of her. His eyes were rimmed with red and puffy and although she felt sure that he was hoping it didn't show, it was obvious that he'd been crying. He stepped aside and allowed her to come into the room. Rey sat on the edge of the bed and Ben sat next to her, his hands in his lap, his eyes on the ground. Rey reached over and took his hands in hers.

"I'm going to the resistance base tomorrow morning. I'm going to meet with your mother". Bens eyes met Rey's then and he nodded. "We should draw up some proposals that I can take with me". Ben nodded again and then stood, his back to Rey as he spoke, "And the pilot, are we going to let him get away with talking to you like that?". Rey's brow creased, "Ben you set him in his place, your mother says he's being like that with everyone". Ben scoffed, turning to look at Rey, "Does that make it ok? If I ever hear him talk to you like that again I will deal with him personally". Rey sprung to her feet, holding Bens hands in hers, "Ben no, hurting Poe is not the answer. We need to come together, not push further apart". Ben scoffed again but he didn't pull his hands away. Rey's fingers massaged his as she spoke, "I'm sorry that your mother's voice startled you. She wants the best for you, really she does". Ben didn't move although Rey thought she saw his lip quiver slightly. She led him back to the bed and they sat down, "When we were in Chandrilla she talked about you a lot". Bens eyes met Rey's and for a moment she was afraid that he would get cross "What did she say?" Ben asked quietly. "She told me about you as a baby and as a boy". Ben nodded, his eyes gazing off into the distance.  "Ben she loves you".  Ben stood then, his hands in fists at his side, "It's too late" he said bitterly.  Rey stood too, "Ben it isn't too late.  We're coming together, this is your chance to make things right".  Ben turned away from her, one hand held up to stop her talking.  "I think you better go Rey.  I'll join you after lunch, we can go over some proposals then".  Rey stood still, her brow creased, her arms at her side and then finally with a sigh she turned and left.

Ben sank down to his knees once she had gone and let his head fall forwards to the floor, his hands pulling at his hair, how was he going to do this?