I Know Who I Am Now

Attack.

Rey hadn't slept again. She had lain awake as she had every night since she left Ben, thinking of him, her heart aching, tears running from her eyes.  She loved him and despite all of the hurdles she had believed that they had a future together.  He was her other half, a connection like no other and being here without him made her want to scream.  Finn, Rose and Chewie had been kind but she had no one to talk to, no one who really understood her. Shortly after they had returned Poe had tried to talk to her but it had angered her and she had walked away. It always seemed to be all about him, he just wanted to make things right with her for himself, not for the greater good. Since then Poe had stayed away from her, only acknowledging her in meetings. Rey blinked back tears. Here she was again, alone and Ben would be coming soon, to do what?  Kill her? Rey shuddered at the thought, covering her eyes and sobbing miserably.

After Rey had washed and dressed she headed to the hanger to check on preparations.  She was almost there when Poe ran out of the transmissions hut, his eyes wide. "Poe, what?" Rey stuttered. "They're coming! At least thirty tie fighters headed this way! Everyone to your stations, they're coming!" Poe shouted. All around her people scattered but Rey just felt numb. So this was it, confirmation of her worst fears. He didn't love her anymore. He was coming to kill her.

Ben sat in his shuttle with his eyes closed, not caring what anyone thought. They had all seen him with Rey and he had made a fool of himself over her, telling them that the resistance were no longer an enemy, telling them that Rey ruled alongside him. They knew that he was broken. "Sir, enemy aircraft approaching, shall we hang back?". Ben opened his eyes, "No, push through. We know what they have there, our fighters will easily clear them before we land".

Akan Kloss came into view, fires burning on the ground, plumes of smoke billowing into the air.  When the door of his shuttle opened Ben stood for a moment.  She wasn't dead, he could feel her here, could almost hear her heart beating.  A momentary flutter of relief filled him but he pushed it away.  This all had to end.  He stepped out, walking away from his ship, his eyes scanning the trees.  "Supreme Leader, the girl has been spotted" a trooper said behind him.  Kylo spun, "Where?"

Once the first wave of fighters had passed overhead a transport had landed, its door hissing open, rows of troops rushing out.  Rey had fought back blindly alongside Finn, Rose, Chewie and the other resistance fighters.  All around them lay burnt out x-wings, their losses had been heavy.  Rey had no idea where Poe was, he hadn't said another word to her, had just jumped into his x-wing with BB8. 

A break in the assault allowed Rey a moment to catch her breath and that was when she felt him.  Ben was here. Rey moved away from her friends, knowing that if they saw Ben attack her they would try to intervene and might get injured or worse.

Ben was able to walk around with very little conflict. He was right, the resistance were badly outnumbered. He could feel himself getting closer to Rey, her signature in the force visable every time he closed his eyes and then suddenly he saw her. She was standing in a clearing and she was alone.

Rey heard him before she saw him, the faint hiss of his saber igniting. She ignited her own, shaking with not only fear but sadness. He emerged from the trees, fully dressed in his formal black tunic, cloak and gloves but with no helmet, his face pale, his eyes ringed with red. For a moment they looked at each other, both mourning what they had had but then Rey rushed at him and their blades clashed, blue and red making purple dance on their faces. Again and again they clashed sabers. Ben pushed her back roughly and for a moment they were face to face, their eyes looking into each other's, "I didn't want this!" Ben suddenly shouted into the wind. Rey grunted as she attempted to push him away, "I didn't want this either, I just wanted you!" Rey countered, pushing back tears as she successfully pushed Ben back. He stumbled, regaining his footing just as Rey's blade hit him again. They fought on, each struggling with what the other had said to them, each knowing that this made no sense in their story but fighting on regardless. Rey swung her saber furiously, catching Bens arm, making him curse and stumble onto one knee. She saw her opening and swung again. This time the blade caught his side and he fell down, groaning through gritted teeth. Rey raised her blade again and then stopped. Ben had rolled away from her, one hand clamped over his eyes.  He was crying. The man fighting her now was no longer Kylo Ren. This was Ben. A broken soul who had taken comfort with her, who had fallen in love with her just as she had him. Tears filled Rey's eyes as she watched him retract his blade and throw the saber away, through the trees. He looked up at her then, his eyes full of pain, "I won't fight you Rey. Kill me if you need to, but I won't fight back". For a moment Rey stood over him. If she killed him it could be how the resistance wins. But what about her? Could she go on knowing that she had taken the life of the only person who ever truly understood her? The person who loved her?  Finally she extinguished her own saber, hanging it on her belt and then crouching down next to him, "I love you Ben" she said as a sob left her lips. His lip trembled and she grabbed his face, pressing her lips to his, their tired arms encircling one another.