I Know Who I Am Now

Pain and proposals.

Rey ate lunch alone, her mind on Ben.  She should have known that this would never be easy for him.  There was so much pain in him when it came to his family.  Should she try and get him to open up to her?  Last night he had shown her more of himself than he ever had before, could she get him to do that about his family?  She wasn't sure. 

After she had eaten Rey knocked on Bens door.  There was no answer.  "Ben?" She called softly.  She pushed the door and it opened.  She stepped inside and looked around.  Empty.  She opened the bathroom door. No sign of him.  As she turned to leave something covered by a cloth caught her eye.  She'd never noticed it before.  Her brow furrowed, she gingerly lifted the corner of the cloth and gasped, the material fluttering free from her hand again.  She had only seen it for a moment but she knew what it was. 

Even back on Jakku she had heard the stories of the Empire and of the legend Luke Skywalker who had turned the blackest of all hearts, that of Vader. She risked another peep,  reaching out her hand and touching it.

Everything was dark.  She could hear crying and then she saw him.  A small boy with a shock of jet black hair sat in the corner of a room, his knees tucked under his chin, sobs wracking his small body, his hands rising to cover his ears.  "Leave me alone" he begged through his tears and then Rey heard the voices that plagued him.  Whispering threats, his name called over and over, pulling him to the darkness.  Finally the small boy stood up, running out of sight and then returning as a boy of about ten.  This time Rey immediately knew who it was.  It was Ben Solo.  The voices inside his head still screamed at him but beyond them were other voices,ones Rey recognised.  Leia and Han whispering, calling Ben a monster. 

Rey fell backwards, landing on her bottom, her eyes stinging with tears.  He knew, of course he did.  Ben had heard what his parents were saying about him.  Shame crept into Rey as she remembered that she had called him the same name twice.  Remembering the pain on his face the second time she had said it she made a silent deal with herself, she was never going to give up on Ben Solo.

Ben was sat at a meeting table.  He had sketched out some proposals but had drawn a blank when it had come to integrating with one another.  The sound of the door opening made his head snap up, braking his thoughts.  Rey came in smiling sweetly at him.  He attempted to smile back but didn't quite manage it.  Rey sat down next to him.  "May I read it?" She asked.  Ben nodded, sitting back in his chair and allowing Rey to slide the paper to her.  He watched her lips move silently as she read and then she looked up at him, "Great" she said simply.  Ben sighed, "We need to incorporate how we are going to come together, how we are going to combine our armies, our ships and weapons".  Rey nodded, "The resistance have very little, I suppose we could equally spread the first order troops between both groups, same with the ships".  Ben nodded, rubbing his face wearily.  Rey watched him.  She could feel the tension coming off him in waves.  She reached out and took one of his gloved hands, clasping it in hers.  "Let me talk to Leia tomorrow".   Ben nodded again, his face somber, his eyes on his hand in hers.  They sat like that in silence for a moment before Ben spoke, "I have to train, will you join me?".

The training room was a large hall with mats on the floor and padded dummies hung from the walls, all bearing slash and scorch marks.  Rey watched as Ben removed his gloves, unfastened his belt and undid his tunic, slipping it off to reveal a plain, long sleeved black top which he lifted briefly so he could inspect his gunshot wound, giving Rey a glimpse of the toned stomach and the line of dark hair heading down to his..... Rey stopped, Ben was looking straight at her.  Rey felt her face colour when their eyes  met and she ignited her saber, ready to take on whatever Ben was going to throw at her. 

He rushed at her, their blades crackling as they met, the blue and red colouring their faces as it had on Takodana all that time ago.  They fought on and on but there was no intention to hurt each other and finally Rey held up her hand, breathing heavily.  Ben deactivated his saber and attempted to steady his breathing, one hand clutching at the bandage.  He watched Rey's chest rise and fall, beads of sweat visible on her neck and he was suddenly overcome with a strong primal desire to pull her to him.

Rey felt Bens eyes on her as she struggled to catch her breath and when she looked at him she saw that same look she had seen before.  She knew little of men but from her interactions with Poe and now Ben she had come to believe that this look meant that he wanted more from her.  She swallowed hard, taking in the solid outlines of his arms and chest through the now damp fabric of his top.  Truth was she wanted more from him too.

They headed back to their respective rooms.  Both stepping under the shower spray at the same time.  Both thinking of the other, both their bodies responding, both pushing away the urge to do something about it. 

Rey stepped out of the shower and looked through the clothes she had brought.  They were all much the same except one which was a white, skin tight top.  She fingered the fabric for a moment, imagining Bens eyes roaming over her in it.  A shudder went through her body and she quickly pulled it on, liking the way it clung to her breasts and then the curve of her hips. 

At a little after six Rey knocked on Bens door.  A pause and then it opened.  Rey couldn't have asked for a better response to the way she was dressed.  Bens lips parted slightly and his eyes travelled down her body and then back to her face.  He swallowed hard and then stepped back, allowing Rey into the room.

They ate in silence, Bens eyes sweeping over her regularly.

Rey thought about asking Ben about his past but she didn't want to ruin the mood in the room, so alive was it with a bubbling tension that Rey felt herself becoming wet just at the sight of him.  Ben himself was battling his desires sat across from Rey, his manhood hard and aching.  Occasionally their eyes met for a moment and then they dropped down to their plates again.  Finally Ben spoke.  "How long do you think you'll be gone tomorrow?".  Rey met his eyes, "I'm not sure, as long as it takes".  Ben nodded.  Rey sensed the mood shift as Ben sipped his drink.  "What?" She asked, pausing, her cutlery in mid-air.  Ben chewed the inside of his mouth before he spoke, his voice soft in the quiet room, "You are coming back here after I hope".  Rey frowned, her fingers reaching for his across the table.  "Of course I am.  Ben I made my decision.  My place is here, with you".  He nodded once, pulling his hand away and leaning back in his chair.  Rey watched him, remembering the torment that she had witnessed in her vision and suddenly her heart ached for the man in front of her.  She rose from her seat and walked around to his side of the table.  He looked up at her surprised, his eyes roaming her face, looking for clues as to her intentions. 

Bens heart was thumping as Rey approached him.  What was she doing?  When she reached him she leant down and pressed her lips to his.  Bens body responded immediately and he pulled her to him, pushing his chair back from the table as he did. 

Rey hesitated, unsure what he wanted her to do.  She allowed him to guide her onto his lap so that they were sat facing each other.  Rey felt his hardness through the thin cotton of his trousers but unlike Poe it didn't scare her, it merely sent a thrill through her body, a gasp leaving her lips.

Ben heard the noise she made and felt himself press between her legs as her weight teased his now throbbing manhood.  Their lips met again and this time he felt Rey's tongue push softly against his lips, parting them.  He didn't stop her although the action was alien to him and soon their tongues were brushing against each other's, sending chills through Bens body.  Rey's hands slid into his hair, raking roughly through it.  A low groan left Bens mouth and his eyes opened in surprise at the noise she had drawn from him.

The groan he made caused a hot rush between Rey's legs.  She felt suddenly overwhelmed at the realisation that she was able to draw such noises from such a powerful being.  She could feel how hard he was, his length pressing teasingly against her most sensitive parts.  She had come to understand now that the hardness was nothing to be afraid of, it simply meant that he wanted her and with Ben that thought excited her.

Finally they broke apart, both breathing heavily.  Rey, suddenly unsure what to do next stood up, adjusting her clothes, her cheeks flushed.  Ben stayed sat, his own cheeks flushed, hair messily swept across his forehead, his chest rising and falling rapidly.  "I'd better go" Rey muttered.  Ben didn't speak, his body too fired up to enter into conversation.  His eyes met hers for a moment, "Stay" he whispered hoarsely.