I Know Who I Am Now

Coming clean.

Rey couldn't sleep. She had lain awake for hours, thinking about Ben. She had wondered what his lips would have felt like. Was he as experienced as the pilot had seemed? Something told her not. He had seemed as new to intimacy as she was. Suddenly she felt a pang of guilt for kissing the pilot. That thought angered her, why should she feel guilty. Ben had made his choice. She had to make her own choices without him now.

The next morning she rose wearily from her bed. She washed and dressed and then paused at the door taking a deep breath, she was dreading seeing Poe. What would she say to him?

"Hey Rey!". Rose was jogging over to Rey, her hand waving furiously. "Can I walk with you to go get some breakfast?" Rose asked, linking arms with Rey before she had a chance to answer. The two girls walked side by side and Rose turned to Rey then, "So....Poe huh?". Rey turned her head, looking into Roses round, smiling face. Rey dropped her eyes and nodded. Rose squeezed her arm, "Hey, a relationship is meant to be a positive Rey". Rey nodded again, Rose was right, she knew that she was, but still she felt flat when she thought of her encounter with Poe. What was wrong with her? Rose stopped abruptly, coming to face Rey "You never finished telling  me about your vision of Kylo Ren. Tell me". Slightly taken aback by Roses swift u-turn Rey paused her heart thumping, had Rose guessed that Ben was who was holding her back from Poe? "Please don't tell anyone this but I have spoken to him, through force bonds". Roses brow furrowed, "Force bonds? Rey do you mean that all the time our people were dying by the hands of the First order you were talking with Kylo Ren? I've gotta tell you that kind of makes you a traitor" Rose finished her eyes cold. Rey hadn't thought about it like that and now hearing it made her heart drop. "He's suffering too" Rey began but Rose held up her hand and began walking away. Rey grabbed her arm roughly "Luke Skywalker tried to murder him, he was driven to the dark side. I've seen his mind, he's so lonely and in so much conflict. He's doing these awful things because he was made to believe it was the only way. Rose I don't care if you hate him or even me now but I just wanted you to know the truth". Rose had stepped back from Rey now, her arms folded tightly across her chest "Did you tell him that we were on Crait. What exactly did you share with him?". Rey raised her hands defensively "We never talked like that. He never asked and I never said. Look he helped me when I was at my lowest on Ach-to. He was kind, he listened to me, we touched hands through the force bond and I saw his future, it was full of light and promise and that was why I went to him". Rose rolled her eyes, "Yes and that decision could have got you killed, it's a miracle that you got away". Rey shook her head "It's no miracle, Ben saved me, he told me that I was something to him and the truth is Rose, he's something to me too. I'm sorry". Rose stood for a moment absorbing the information and then nodded slowly, pausing before she turned to walk away "Then do Poe a favour, leave him alone".

Kylo hadn't slept again.  He hadn't been able to get what his grandfather had said out of his head.  It was true though, when Rey had called him by his birth name it had felt like a positive, it had seemed somehow right. He had tried so hard all these years to be like his grandfather and now his grandfather was telling him to do what he hadn't, follow his heart. But what would that achieve he thought miserably. If he reached out to Rey now he would look so weak and yet he knew that with every day that passed since he had seen her last his mind was becoming more conflicted than ever and god he was so tired.

After Kylo had dragged himself from the tangled mass of sheets he washed and ate and then headed into the training room, igniting his saber and slashing out at imaginary foes until the sweat dripped from him. Breathing heavily he leant back against the wall thinking of Rey, so close by on Chandrilla. A startling thought suddenly hit him. He knew where she was. He could wipe her out, his mother, the whole damned resistance. And yet he hadn't. He hadn't told a soul. Why was that? 'You know why' a voice inside his head whispered.  Kylo thumped his fist back against the wall, his mind was fighting against his heart and right now, his heart was winning.