I Know Who I Am Now

Help?

Kylo stood still, his mouth hanging open, his eyes fixed on his grandfather, both staring at the other. "You, you're not real. I'm tired, this is not real", Kylo muttered turning away, his eyes closing. "You're tired, just tired, it's ok" he murmured under his breath, his hand pushing hair from his still tightly closed eyes. 

For so long he had been desperate for his grandfathers help but now it scared him, now he had to face all that he was and all that he wasn't. He held his eyes shut tightly for a few minutes more and then slowly opened them as he turned back around. His grandfather was right in front of him. "I'm real Ben", Kylos eyes narrowed, his heart pounding, knowing that there was no escape. He had to face this. "Don't call me that", Kylo shot back. Anakin laughed, "Why, because she calls you that?". Kylo stared at him now, unable to think of what to say next, "I know you care for her. Deny it all you want, lie to yourself, it doesn't mattter, she will still be there, inside your head. I should know, I fell in love with Padame". Kylo straightened, biting the inside of his mouth. So it was real he thought, the whispering the other night. "I became lost. I allowed myself to get too close to her, I'm sorry, I was weak. It won't happen again grandfather."  Kylo was surprised to see Anakin laugh then as he answered "It was when I ignored what my heart was telling me that I truly became lost.  It's not too late Ben".  Kylo straightened "I, I can't do that.  I've already done too much, put too much in motion.  Grandfather I need you to help me, I need you to tell me what to do, how to make this right".  Anakin laughed again "I've already told you Ben, I've already told you".  And with saying that he began to fade away until there was nothing there but an empty space in the gloom.

It took Kylo a moment to realise that he was shaking.  He sat down quickly on the bed, his hand lifting up to run across his forehead.  So finally his grandfather had answered his cries for help and yet what he had said seemed to make no sense.  He couldn't go to Rey again.  He had fought against her and then for her and then with her.  They had seen each other's minds, formed a bond that even now left Kylo reeling and yet she had refused him.  No, his pride couldn't take another knock like that.  No he would have to destroy her along with the resistance.  That thought made a swell of anger race through his body and he sprung up, grabbing Vader's mask and throwing it across the room with a scream of pure rage.  His grandfather hadn't helped him at all.