I Know Who I Am Now

Not him.

Rey lifted another box of supplies and carried them down the falcons ramp and out into the sunshine.  As she stepped down onto the mud the bottom of the box gave way and the contents spilled out, making her curse under her breath.  She crouched down and began collecting up the fallen supplies when suddenly a pair of flight boots appeared in front of her.  "Need a hand?".  Rey raised her head then, squinting in the sunshine.  Poe stood looking down at her, a smile on his face.  "Thanks" Rey said feeling her face colour.  Something about the resistance pilot made her feel uncomfortable, she wasn't sure what though.  Maybe it was his charming manner or perhaps his air of self confidence, Rey wasn't sure.  Give him a chance a voice whispered in Rey's head.  Rey smiled back at him then, she did need to give him a chance, she had only met him yesterday. Between them they refilled the box.  Rey sealed it and when she looked up she realised that the pilot was watching her intently. " I'd love to walk with you Rey.  I feel as though we need to get aquatinted".  Rey stood up, realising for the first time that Poe was pretty much the same height as she was.  Suddenly Ben came into her mind.  She remembered when she stood in front of him she had to crane her neck upwards to look at him. He was so tall.

It had been a struggle to rid her mind of Ben since she had last seen him the previous day and now she cursed herself for allowing him to creep back into her mind again. "Rey? Do you want to take a walk with me? I promise I won't be offended if you say no". Rey laughed and shook her head, "That would be lovely".

"I've gotta tell you I feel like I should be bowing down to you or something Rey. Some of the things I've heard about you. You're amazing". Rey felt her cheeks colour. She wasn't used to receiving compliments. Poe stopped walking and touched her arm, making Rey jump, "I'm serious Rey, I hear we all owe a lot to you". They began walking again in silence and suddenly there it was again, Ben creeping into her thoughts. The lonliness on his face when he had pleaded with her to join him and his words. Words which Rey had forced herself not to think about until now, 'You're nothing, but not to me'. Had he meant it? Suddenly Rey realised that Poe had stopped walking again and now he was looking at her, a strange look on his face. "Rey did you hear a word I just said?". Rey's mouth fell open soundlessly and her cheeks grew warm, "I'm so sorry. I barely slept last night. I think I better go and get some rest". Poe nodded slowly, not completely hiding his irritation, "Fine, maybe we'll catch up later then?". Rey was already walking away and she turned, nodding once and then disappearing through the trees.

Kylo stood staring down at the helmet in his hands. His gloved thumb running over the red cracks where the metal had been fixed back together. He took a deep breath and placed the helmet on his head, closing his eyes, enjoying the familiarity. "Very good" he said, hearing the metallic edge that the mask gave him. The bothan worker nodded and backed away quickly, clearly relieved by his response. Kylo Ren left the work shop and headed down the corridors, his boots banging against the metal floors, his breathing loud in the confines of the mask.

After Rey had left Poe she had headed back through the castle and up to the highest tower again, not being able to explain it but knowing that she wanted to somehow be close to Ben again. Rey sat cross legged on the floor, gazing out of the window. She thought about what Leia had told her earlier that day, about when Ben was a little boy. She thought of all the times that they had spoken through their force bonds, how angry she had been but how calm he had stayed with her. She thought about all that time ago when he had first removed his helmet and how shocked she had felt that it was merely a young man under all that. And his mind. Although she had used what she had found there to hurt him, she had also suddenly felt a connection to him. He was just like her, empty, lonely, desperate for physical contact, and for love. She squeezed her eyes shut then, hot tears spilling from them, a sob escaping her lips. Rey's mind swept back to her vision, how could she have been so wrong? She had seen him, smiling, happy and all around him was a warm light. "You shouldn't still be there" she whispered, thinking of him for the millionth time and wondering what he was doing.

A noise behind Rey made her turn suddenly, swivelling around on her backside. Leia stood in the doorway. "I just spoke with Poe" she said heading over to stand next to Rey. Rey nodded, unsure of what to say. "You know he's a nice man. You could do a lot worse". Rey nodded again, her eyes on the lake below, watching the reflections of the now orange sky ripple across it. "I know. It's just he's, he's um", "Not him?" Leia finished, a smile in her voice. Rey's eyes shot up to look at the older woman, her mouth falling open. Leia crouched down then so that her face was level with Rey's. "I know that there's something between you and my son. A connection." Rey nodded then, another tear running down her cheek, "Leia I can't get him out of my mind. He's so lonely, so afraid of failure, longing for acceptance".  At saying this another tear fell and Leias hand reached out to hold Rey's, squeezing it gently, "How is it that you know all of this?" Leia asked.  Rey paused, unsure of whether to continue, unsure of what Leia would think of their secret talks which now suddenly felt like a dirty little secret.  She looked at the kind eyes of the older woman and then swallowed hard before continuing "I saw inside his mind once, he was trying to look into mine and I entered his.  Leia it was such a lonely place, so full of resentment, self hatred and fear.  After I almost killed him in the forest I started seeing him, like he was there, right there, as if I could reach out and touch him" Rey trailed off, her eyes dropping to the ground, her face colouring at the memory of their hand touch.  Leia nodded, "And that's why you went to him?"  Rey nodded then, her eyes glinting in the fading light, "We touched hands Leia, through the force, but I could feel his skin, every line on his finger.  We saw each other's futures.  I saw a happy, love filled future for him.  I was sure he would choose me, but he chose the dark side again".  Leias arms wrapped around Rey then with all the love that a mother might give her child.