I Know Who I Am Now

Together.

Ben rose from his seat, his eyes on Rey.  He didn't want to move too fast or scare her but  he knew that he couldn't just let her leave.  He wanted, no he needed to be close to her.  "Please" Ben heard himself say.

Rey hadn't been prepared for Ben to ask her to stay and as her eyes swept over him as he stood from the table she noticed that he was still hard in the confines of his trousers.  She felt a slight panic but then she looked at his face, the wide eyes as he begged her to stay and she nodded, allowing him to lead her to the bed.  They kissed again, this time more fiercely their arms wrapped around each other.  Rey felt the now altogether common feeling between her legs in response, driving her forwards.

Ben was in heaven.  The way her tongue so readily pushed into his mouth was driving him crazy.  He was struggling to maintain a level of control, he wanted to push her down, to climb on top of her, to grind his aching desire into her.  But he was terrified of scaring her and so he sat next to her instead, his hands running up and down her back as they kissed.  They broke apart and Ben looked at her, his mouth slightly open, his breath escaping in shaky gusts.  Rey was breathless too and she took a moment to smooth stray locks of hair off his face before scooting backwards and crawling under the covers.

Rey knew what she wanted.  She wanted Ben to touch her, to run his big hands over her body.  That was all she knew.  These feelings that he gave her seemed to cause her body to respond in a way that told her mind what she wanted.  It was all so strange to her.  She guessed that Poe had felt the same way when they kissed and suddenly she felt guilty for the frustration she had caused him.  Ben climbing in next to her broke her thoughts and her heart began to thump wildly. 

He pulled her to him and they kissed, his hands cradelling her bottom, pressing her to him, feeling her shudder as she felt his need for her press against her body.  Rey's hands ran over his T-shirt, feeling the muscles underneath.  Ben sat up, pulling the shirt off over his head and throwing it to one side.  Rey moaned in appreciation as she touched his now bare torso.  So soft and yet riddled with raised scars.  Her fingers gingerly touched the bandage which covered the blaster wound and Ben flinched, holding his breath. Her hand ran down onto his stomach and she felt his stomach muscles tense, a gasp leaving his lips.  Intrigued she did it again, gaining a similar reaction except this time he moaned and his hips lifted from the bed.  A silent request for more. Bens hands roamed over her back, kissing her harder. His body on fire with sensations unlike anything he'd ever felt before.

Finally Rey moved backwards slightly from him, breaking their kiss. She blushed wildly as she spoke "I, I don't know what happens next" she whispered. Ben propped himself up on his elbow, his hair a dark mess around his face, "Whatever you want" he said, his voice breathless. Rey regarded him for a moment, "This is all new to me Ben". Ben leant in and kissed her lips, "It's new to me too" he said softly as he drew away from her again. Rey sat up, her eyes wide, "I, I don't understand this, these feelings, they seem to take over my mind, like I have no control, it scares me a little". Ben sat up too, nodding. He knew what she meant, his body was so filled with desire that he was having a hard time controlling himself around Rey, even now his erection throbbed mercilessly. "I feel that way too. It's ok though, it's how it's meant to be I think" Ben whispered, reaching over to touch her hair in a gesture so gentle that he surprised even himself.

Rey lay down again and Ben lay facing her, their bodies almost touching, their arms draped over one another. "Ben" Rey began slowly. Their eyes met, "can I ask you something?". Ben propped himself up on one elbow, "What's stopping you seeing your mother?". As soon as the words left her mouth Rey regretted it. Bens face became dark and he dropped onto his back, his arm behind his head, his eyes on the ceiling. At first Rey thought he wasn't going to say anything but then he spoke, his voice hoarse with emotion, "Can you imagine how it feels to be called a monster by your parents, to see the way they look at you? I asked for their help once, to rid me of the demons in my head". Ben paused, swallowing hard as Rey remembered the vision she had seen. She remembered the young, tormented soul that was Ben Solo. "Their answer was to send me away, to Luke. I begged them not to. I held my mother's hand as Luke and my father ripped me away from her, I told her I hated her. And I did, in that moment I did". Rey sat up, watching him battle his emotions as he spoke, "My family failed me. All of them. And then one by one I've failed them too". Rey shook her head, "No Ben, that's not true. Look at what we're doing! We are making everything better. You are making your family proud". Ben turned finally to look at her, "I feel my mother's presence all the time now you are here with me". Rey frowned, unsure what he meant. "And you, Rey do you still think about your parents?". Rey's brow furrowed, thrown by the change of question.  The truth was that since she had been with Ben she hadn't thought of them, until now and suddenly she felt guilty, as if she had betrayed their memory.  "I do still think of them.  Ben were you telling me the truth in Snokes throne room, about my parents I mean?" Rey asked, her tear filled eyes resting on his.  Ben nodded, "Everything I said in there was the truth, I've never lied to you".  Rey took a moment to absorb his words.  "Why didn't you join me?" Ben asked suddenly.  Rey looked at him.  His eyes were wide and expectant as he waited to hear her reply.  "I didn't want to join Kylo Ren, I wanted to join Ben".  Rey watched his brow crease and he sat up, his eyes on hers.

Hearing Rey say that suddenly answered so many questions in his mind.  He had never thought about it like that, never thought that Rey only wanted one version of him. 

When he didn't lie down again Rey touched his back, stroking it gently, their eyes dancing with one anothers.  Rey lay down slowly and Ben followed, his head resting on her chest, her hands reaching into his soft, dark hair, twisting strands around her fingers. 

For the first time since he was a small boy Ben fell asleep listening to someone else's heart beat.