I Know Who I Am Now

Do you realise?

Rey held Hans dice in her pocket, when was the right time to give them to Ben?  She wasn't sure.  After their intimate meeting earlier Ben had seemed so happy, so positive that she hadn't wanted to ruin that.  They sat together, eating lunch and pouring over the proposals from the resistance.  Every so often Rey remembered the dice in her pocket and a pang of fear filled her body.  Tonight she thought.  Tonight she would give them to him.

Ben felt as light as air.  A sudden feeling had swept over him of overwhelming positivity.  This was what Rey did to him, she made him feel all of the good things that he hadn't felt before, both emotionally and physically and that turned his mind, made anything seem possible.  This was going to work, it had to work.  In that moment he felt able to face anything. 

That evening as Rey hoped they had their evening meal in Bens room but she couldn't enjoy it.  The longer the dice had stayed in her pocket the more terrified she was of giving them to him.  "What?" Ben asked finally, his brow creased.  Rey suddenly realised that he'd been watching her and now she shifted awkwardly in her seat, "Leia gave me something today" Rey said quietly as her hand reached into her pocket and closed around the dice.  Ben said nothing, his face expressionless.  Rey held her closed hand out and then unfurled her fingers slowly, watching his reaction. 

His lips drew together in a tight line and his eyes became wide but he didn't speak or make any attempt to take the dice from Rey.  "Your mother said you might like them, that you played with them as a child...." Rey said softly, her eyes running over his face, trying to read his emotions.  Suddenly Bens eyes met hers, "I don't want them" he said coldly, standing up from the table and turning away from her.  For a moment Rey didn't move. She hadn't expected him to refuse them completely.  And then an emotion swept over Rey, taking her completely by surprise.  It was anger and resentment. How long had she dreamed of a family, of moments like this?  And here was Ben wanting no part of a family who, despite everything, still reached out to him.  Rey stood then, "Why do you do this?  Why fight everything so hard?" Rey shouted.  Clearly surprised by her outburst Ben turned to her as she went on "I know everything that happened to you, how betrayed you felt.  I know the mistakes your family made and the ways they've hurt you but you've done the same to them, worse even and your mother is still reaching out to you, still remembering you as her son.  Can't you see how lucky that makes you, don't you realise?" Bens face was dark, reminding Rey of Kylo Ren.  Suddenly he shot forwards, his finger in her face "How do you know all that?".  Rey straightened, wondering for a moment whether to tell him the truth or not.  "I touched Vader's mask.  I saw it all.  I felt so sad for you.  But I realised just now that my past is as sad as yours, if not sadder because I never even had a shot at a family.  I never had someone begging me to come home to them and I've never.." Rey paused as a sob escaped her lips "I've never had anyone tell me that they love me".  Rey stopped then, her eyes clouded with tears.  She set the dice down on the table and then, without looking at Ben she left, the door hissing closed behind her.

Ben stood still, absorbing Rey's words. He knew the similarities between their childhoods from the times that he had looked into her mind. He knew everything she didn't have and yet he had never contemplated the thought that she could be jealous of his situation. Jealous of what? He thought irritatedly, a mother and father who sent you away? Parents who cared more about their beliefs than their child? He sat down heavily and sighed. How could his day turn from heaven to hell so quickly?

Rey sobbed on her bed. It was true what she'd said, she had never had anyone tell her they loved her. She was sure that her mother and father had before they left but she couldn't remember it and now with her heart aching she cursed Ben Solo for making her think about that, for bringing her here away from her friends, for everything.  She thought of Jaku and for a fleeting moment she wished that she was back there, amongst the sand in a time before all of these confusing feelings and emotions.  A time when she held on purely to hope when that was all she had in the whole world to hold onto. 

Time passed and Rey didn't return.  Ben had sat on the edge of his bed eying the dice, half expecting Rey to come back in.  When, after an hour she didn't return he picked the dice up, turning them over in his hands, looking at the little symbols on them.  They reminded him of Crait and how, when he'd picked them up, they had disappeared.  The memory made his eyes close, his breath escaping in a shaky gust.  He remembered the pain that he had felt that day, the sense of betrayal and also the sense of loneliness.  He remembered Rey closing the door on him again and a strange, anxious feeling flowed through him, pushing him to his feet.

Rey had fallen asleep finally, fully dressed, her tears making her eyes so heavy that eventually she could stay awake no longer and her lids fluttered shut.  A noise near her face drew her from sleep and she sat up quickly.  A dark figure was sat on the edge of her bed although this time she knew straight away that it was Ben.  She leant over and flicked on the lamp. 

His eyes were red rimmed as if he had been crying and instinctively her hand flew out to hold his.  He looked at her with such a sorrowful look that she rose to her knees and hugged him.  He hugged her back. 

Ben had tried to sleep after thinking about Rey leaving him on Crait but he couldn't.  The feeling of abandonment had stayed with him, reminding him of his childhood and in turn making him think of hers.  She had suffered as much as him, he knew that.  He thought about what she had said, about never having anyone tell her that they loved her.  He remembered his mother and father whispering that to him when they had tucked him into his bed as a small child and Rey had told him of his mother's love now too.  Tears had sprung to his eyes. Tears he would have ordinarily pushed away he let fall and he had lain there crying silently, thinking of his mother and what he had done to his father and how sorry he was for that and everything.  Then his mind had gone to Rey and he had thought about how loved he had felt when they were being intimate together, in fact how loved and cared for he felt whenever they were together and a sudden realisation hit him.  He loved her.  He was completely in love with her. 

When Rey pulled back from Ben she studied his face.  His eyes swept over her and he pressed his lips to hers.  They broke apart then and he took her hands in his.  "Ben, look I..." Rey began but Ben kissed her again, stopping her and then he pulled back, tears sparkling in his eyes, "Rey I love you" he said, his voice breaking.  Rey's eyes became wide and her mouth opened slightly as she absorbed what he had said and then she pulled him to her, tears pouring down her face, her hands stroking his hair gently, "I love you too, Ben I love you".