If We Ever Get an Hour Together (A Van McCann fanfiction)

The Way That It Goes

Lucia:

Isabel cleared her throat. "I'm going to shower." She moved quickly, forgetting about her work and disappearing into the hallway quickly. 

I kept trying to swallow, but it was like my throat had completely closed up. Van took a step forward, his hands coming together. I didn't know what to expect, but I definitely did not expect Van to collapse onto the couch and grab my hands. "Are you ok? How do you feel?" His voice was heartbreakingly tender. 

I licked my lips. "I'm fine, Van. I mean, I wasn't fine earlier, that's why I went to the doctor's and"-

"And it wasn't the stomach flu." Van finished slowly. He rubbed a pale hand against his mouth, eyes darting around the living room before finally landing on mine. "Why didn't you tell me then?"

"Because..." I looked at his hand still wrapped around mine. "It just....I wanted to figure out what to do." I heard the sound of the shower running. 

"What to do," Van repeated. "I see." He swallowed, his jaw hard. "And what did you decide?"

"I decided...to tell you." I let go of Van's hand, rubbing my face. "Isabel had told me to tell you and I didn't want to listen. I figured you weren't going to...take the news too well." 

Van sat back. "How come?"

I rolled my eyes. "Van, really?"

The sound of the pipes running was the only thing that filled the room for a moment. "You know how I told you about my mum? That whole deal with her and my dad trying to have kids and..." Van looked me in the eye. 

"Yes." I swallowed. Of course, how could I forget? It took the McCanns years of trying and seeing a bunch of doctors for Van to be born. 

Van rubbed his nose. "I just think...I don't know. How hard it was for them. And then I burst into the world, and I don't want to brag or anything," A smile broke through Van's expression. "But I'd say I'm pretty great, don't you think?" 

"Yes, yes I do think you're pretty great." I couldn't imagine not knowing Van. 

"And in the end, it's your body, and your decision." Van swallowed now, his fingers tapping against my thigh. He bowed his head toward me, taking a deep breath. "But Christ Lucia, I've had a five-hour flight to think about everything." Van looked up and met my eye. "And I thought about me growing up and how much my parents meant the world to me and I to them." He blinked quickly, rubbing his face. "And I imagined you and me and I imagined this third little person. This third little being with your eyes and maybe my nose if the kid's unlucky." 

I had started to feel my eyes water, but just as suddenly a laugh burst through me. "Van"-

"Or my eyes and your everything else. It just....it's crazy, isn't it?"

"Yes." I finally took a deep breath. "I'm just scared."

"I know," Van licked his lips. "And I know I have a say in it, but in reality, you're the boss Lucia. Swear it." He swallowed. "I'm doing anything you want."

Something lurched in my chest. Van was looking at me with a neutral expression now. "You can't give me this beautiful lecture on life and parents and then expect me to just..." I swallowed again, looking Van in the eye. 

"I know, I'm sorry. I should've saved that after seeing what'd you say." Van shook his head. "But cross my heart, Luz. Anything you want." 

"I'm just...you have the band. And I...I don't have anything done. And a baby. Van, I just started college." 

Van's voice remained soft. "I know." 

I leaned back against the couch, looking at the ceiling. I saw Van mimic me from the corner of my eye. It's true, much like Van, it wasn't the most difficult thing to imagine, us and a baby or two. But, I had imagined it a few years later, maybe once I'd hit my late 20s. Not now. I swallowed, feeling tears prick my eyes from frustration. I thought the decision would be so easy, and here Van was, leaving it all in my hands.