Freddie Mercury one-shots

Should have waited for me (Part 2) (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

2 years later

I've been telling John I felt better about myself, better about everything. I've been lying to him. I've been pretending all that time. Each time he asked me how I was feeling. All of that was a lie. All these 'I'm fine.' were lies. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I never felt so bad in my whole life.

William was now a big boy. He could walk, he could talk. I was so proud of him. Maybe hebwas what kept me alive right now. He has always been the one keeping me alive. I love him so much.

We've started recording again. We've done a lot of shows. The fans missed us. I missed performing. All the adrenaline. All the joy of making people happy. That's what I loved. I wanted to make people happy. At least it could make me forget how much I wasn't.

John and I have been together for now 6 years if we don't count the year he left. I asked myself often if he'll ever ask me to marry him. We already had a baby. Why was I even bothered by that? It's not like he would ever want to marry me.

I didn't want to tell him how I feel. He thought he had a perfect boyfriend. That I was happy, always feeling good. I didn't want him to find out that I wasn't the one he thought I was. I wasn't the courageous, beautiful, intelligent and caring man he asked to be boyfriend with. I was nothing of that. But how do you say that? 'Hey John! I just wanted to tell you that I always feel like shit and that I'm just a selfish failure that you got together with!' If it was that easy, I would have done it earlier.

I wasn't saying I didn't feel happy with him. I loved him more than anything. I tried to be happy, I tried to feel better, just for him. I would never leave him, because he was all my life. And if it wasn't of him, I would have been dead.

I just wanted to feel better. I wanted to feel happy like everyone else! I saw Roger and Brian together, they both were happy. Why couldn't I be too? What have I done to deserve all this pain and sorrow? But no matter how many times and how loud I asked these questions, they never got answered. They never have been.

I wanted to be a good father. I wanted to be happy for my baby. I wanted him to feel happy too. I needed to be better for him. I could barely take care of myself anymore. I needed to be there for Willie. But I couldn't get out of this. How do we get out of this?

They were everywhere. I tried to not think about it as much as I can. I tried to not think about the blades all around me. It's like they knew that I wanted to do it. And every time I went somewhere, I tried to not fucking take one and just make me feel better. Because, I couldn't do that. I knew I wouldn't be able to get out of that. But the craving waa so fucking intense! How do you ever get to feel better?

The more we performed, the more I got anxious. I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to do anything wrong. Every little crack of my voice made me feel horrible. I tried and get over my little mistakes, but these days, everything haunted me.

We had a big tour this year. I had been a little sick and it quickly degenerated. I couldn't sing properly. My voice kept cracking, I couldn't hit the right notes. I was feeling horrible, making people pay for something as bad as this.

I couldn't sleep anymore, I couldn't breathe. When was it going to end? Sometimes, I just wanted to scream, to tell the bloody world that I felt like I was dying. Why couldn't nobody understand? Why couldn't nobody fucking understand that I wasn't here anymore? I was here, but I wasn't. Maybe I was already dead.

John went to spent some time with the boys. I was supposed to be there. I told him I wasn't feeling great enough to go with him. I stayed at home with the baby. We spent some quality time together. Me and my little Willie.