The Real Me// fillie

Chapter 29

^^Me// Prepare tissues k enjoy 

Updated only because it's cloudy and raining,where I live, so it fits the mood of the chapter.

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Millie ignored the messages and calls that she has been getting from Sadie, Caleb, Gaten, Noah, and Finn. I guess you could say that she was all alone now, their friendships aren't the same anymore. 

She wanted to be left alone, even though nobody should be left alone with their thoughts. 

Dr. Owens decided to have a therapy session alone with just her. She was sitting on the couch her leg crossed over the other. 

"how do you feel?" he asks beginning the conversation

"I don't feel anything" she says, he gives her a look as to saying what do you mean "like I don't care anymore about anything.. school, myself, the people here, my parents."

"Remember who you were before all of this, who were you?" He asked

She shrugs her shoulder "I stopped being me such a long time ago. I can't even remember who that was" she says. He sighs before taking notes as to what she had just told him.

"Let's talk about the first time you decided to throw up or stop eating."

"Well it started with the bullying and then when my mom commented that i need to stop eating that's when it just happened. I was determined to stop but I was doing it for me not for them."

She continues "Its awful it's the worst feeling i'm not mad at anyone except myself." tears were falling down her cheeks "i'm completely disgusted of myself how I look and how I feel and i'm so sorry to keep letting everyone down"

She sighs "They have no idea about all the hurt and pain that I hide, that I cry myself to sleep or the fact that I've been avoiding them because I don't want to show them this side of me, how broken i am"

"I feel.... numb" she says softly

After a couple of more questions and more tears she was finally out. She was headed to her room and through the window she saw Finn in there. He stood up once he saw her walk in. 

"Mills about that other day-"

"It's fine. I mean I mess people's lives, that's what i do. So you should stay away from me from now on because you'd be better off." she says walking out of the room and going to Olivia's room.

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By the time she went back to her room Finn was gone or so she thought. She went into the restroom and stared at herself in the reflection. That small amount of happiness was gone by now. 

She tilted her head to side noticing all of her imperfections. She had bags under her eyes due to the lack of sleep, her plum lips were chapped now, she felt her cheeks to fat, imperfection after another she still hated herself. She sighed as she gripped the side of the sink counter. She closed her eyes taking a deep breath. She had no one and she was suffering, she truly needed Finn.

Those same words came back stronger and louder than ever

pig.... not good enough.... not skinny enough... worthless.... you don't deserve love or happiness and you certainly don't deserve to live.

They echoed in her mind and it didn't take long for her to believe them. Tears began to stream out of her eyes, god she was so tired of crying.

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She was truly getting better but from that day she began to go back to her old habit, starve herself. She was so mad at herself for allowing herself to do that again that when she walked in to her room and saw the plate of food there she threw it and began to trash her room.

Finn walked in as she was still throwing things, he hugged her from behind shushing her and trying to calm her down. She began to fall to the floor and he sat her down gently still holding onto her. His back was leaning against the wall while her body was pressed on his chest while she cried.

"I thought I was getting better" she says softly "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you Millie"

"I'm sorry i'm not a person anymore, i'm a problem"

"You're not a problem" he says kissing her head and holding her tightly as sways her side to side to calm her down.

Once she had calmed down Finn helped her wipe away her tears and gave her a hug not wanting to let her go.

She looks up at him sniffling before saying "I know you want the old Millie back, but all I can think about is wanting to die and not be here anymore'

"I tried, I really did but i can't" tears start forming again "I can't, there's something wrong with me" She exhales  "Whats wrong with who I am?" he shakes his head whispering "nothing" 

"We'll get through this together."he holds her face with his hands "I promise mills" he gives her a kiss on her forehead.

When she went to bed that night all she thought about was "I shouldn't be alive, I really shouldn't" Her mind kept her up, telling her that she should give up and maybe this time actually going to listen.     

---900 words without a/n

Ummm okay well that turned out more sad than i though it would have been

I feel like for the most part i kinda wrote what i'm feeling so yk #relatable

Comment what you want to happen like i'll "make it" happen yk just saying, I just need ideas please

ALSO THANK YOU FOR 37k reads like idk why ya'll read this book cuz it sucks but thank you and ily :)

Does anyone listen to NF because like if you don't, you should. okay bye now

P.S- Next update be ready to punch someone k :) (let's see if i even include it)