SCPs but they're explained by an idiot

SCP-058 (Part one)

Here's an related quote from SCP-058:

"The sensual violence of lust is all the assurance you will ever need to know the worth of life."

I love that, I should start quoting 058 more.

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures:  058 is to be kept in isolation.

Like every other goddamn SCP

058 is to be fed a live cow every three days, and maintenance is to be conducted every sixty (60) minutes when 058 ISN'T active.

You could have just said one hour. 

One hour could mean different things- 

 I THOUGHT WE ALL COLLECTIVELY AGREED THAT ONE HOUR WAS SIXTY MINUTES, WHAT THE HELL

(So, lets ignore the fact that I had a mini-crisis over how many minutes were in an hour-)

 And every fifteen (15) when 058 is active.

Under no circumstances is 058 allowed to be out of its containment area, but seeing as it's Keter, I feel like it does that anyway, and just for kicks and science, 058 is to be recorded at all times.

Personnel are not allowed to listen to 058 for more than 30 (thirty) minutes at a time, because that thing says some trippy sh*t.

In the case of 058 escaping for the millionth time, the facility is to be considered compromised and should be nuked.

Person in charge: So 058 escaped again? Ah, screw it, just uh, nuke the place.

Everyone at the facility: what

Person in charge:  You're all screwed anyway-

To date, 058 has been responsible for the deaths of at least 149 (One hundred forty nine)  D-Class and fourteen (14) Agents.

Description: 058 resembles a bovine heart. 

It's a cow heart, basically. It has four (4) arthropod-like legs, and four (4) tentacles of adjusting length, covered in razor-sharp spines.

Let's imagine for a moment how horrifying that is. 

It's very horrifying. 

"It has a single sharp 'stinger' on its rear, where the hole for the superior vena cava would be in a typical organ."

My bovine biology isn't the best, but I think the vena cava is that uh, big blue vein-looking thing, I think.

058 is extremely hostile, and will try to inflict general pain and suffering on its surroundings and other living things.

Because screw life, we don't need it.

"SCP-058 'speaks' in a human voice, though no method of producing sound has been observed in its physiology. It speaks with vocal tone and accent of an elderly British male with a slight lisp and deep voice."

Ah ha ha what the f*ck

what the actual f*ck

It was awful to begin with, but now it's just overkill.

Actually, no, you know what's overkill? SCP-682.

Yes, the experiment log is far more interesting than I care to mention, but the whole unkillable-lizard thing is just too much, honestly.

But I guess it's like what SCP-738 said:

"Your Foundation couldn't afford it, and you personally definitely couldn't afford it."

Wise words from.....some furniture.