Help Me (sequel to Save Me)

Chapter 15

The climbing wall is busier than it was last time they went, which does make Remington feel a bit uneasy, but having Andy with him makes him feel a lot better. He's happy climbing, and his love for Andy only grows when the older man says that he won't climb so that Remington doesn't need to belay.

After a good few hours, his arms are aching, and the two sit in the café with tea. "Thanks for bringing me here again," Remington says, reaching for the little jug of milk.

"Nonsense, princess, you don't need to thank me. It's so good to see you smiling." He sips his hot drink.

Remington pours some milk into his tea. "You know, I've been told that a lot recently."

The man hums. "That's because it's true," he responds simply, bringing the tea to his lips again. "So, when you phoned me last night and asked me about living with me, was there a reason for that?" It's been on his mind since the boy brought it up. He can't deny that the idea of the two living together excites him.

Sipping his drink, Remington gazes at Andy. "Isn't it obvious?" He asks quietly, shy, worried that the man won't want him. "I want to live with you."

Andy hears how hopeful the boy is, how much he means it. "That's good, isn't it, because I want to live with you too." The face his boyfriend makes at these words makes him warm inside.

"You do?"

Andy chuckles. "Of course I do, sweetheart," he assures, "it would be a pleasure."

The two leave the climbing wall after finishing their tea, and drive to the restaurant Andy booked a table at. It's nice for Remington to be able to be in public without having a panic attack. He thought that would never stop happening. They eat way more than they can handle and then complain about it after, laughing at their own childishness.

After dinner, they cuddle on the couch in front of the television, Andy running his fingers through Remington's black hair, which he wants to dye blonde. "Can we watch something else?" Remington asks, reaching for the remote. "This is shit." He flicks through the channels for a while.

"Are you going to actually choose something?" Andy teases, "or do you like just reading what's on every single channel in every single country?" He finds it adorable how innocent Remington can be. The man looks at his boy as he messes with the remote, and is saddened by the thought of Remington ever being hurt. It is hard to know what he went through, what Holly did to him. It makes time with him seem so much more precious because of it.

Remington pouts. "There's nothing on," he whines, drawing out the last word to show how annoying it is.

It's impossible for Andy not to laugh. "Are you looking at the same thing I am, because the television in front of me is definitely not telling me there's nothing on."

"Shut up," the younger complains through a laugh, "I meant that there's nothing good on." He gives up and hands the remote to his boyfriend. "Don't put anything bad on," he says, and grins.

Andy sighs dramatically. "Considering what you just said, that might be a bit difficult." Remington giggles and shivers, only now noticing how cold he is. "Here, choose something on Netflix, I'm going to get a blanket," the rock star says, handing the younger the remote and standing up. While Andy is gone, Remington finds a film on Netflix and waits for the man to return before starting it. He settles back in his previous position beside Andy with his head on his shoulder, a blanket covering their laps. "Sweetheart, hey, don't do that," Andy says softly, carefully separating Remington's hands to stop him scratching his wrists.

The singer is confused. Why is scratching again? He thought he'd stopped doing that since he got home. "I-sorry," he mumbles, not sure what else to say about it.

"No, no, it's alright, you're okay, I just don't want you to hurt yourself." Hands holding the younger's, Andy makes sure not to sound forceful or accusing or anything. Remington just needs assurance. The boy doesn't say anything else. He's upset that he let himself do that. "You okay, sweetheart?" Andy asks gently, pausing the movie. All he gets is a nod. He decides not to push the subject. Remington clearly doesn't want to talk about it, and that's okay. The most important thing is that he feels safe and calm.

They watch the film for a while quietly, until Remington speaks up. "I don't want to hurt myself, Andy," he practically whispers, "it just happens." His voice is small, soft. He wants Andy to understand. He needs Andy to understand.

Andy pauses the television again. "Maybe you just need something to fiddle with instead," he suggests, "like a stress ball or something."

Nodding, Remington yawns. "Maybe," he agrees, "can I stay here tonight?"

"Of course you can."

They get to the end of the movie and go up to Andy's bedroom. Remington texts Sebastian, letting him know he's staying over, and accepts the clothes he's given to sleep in. He wishes he didn't have to, but goes into the bathroom to get changed. It's not that he isn't comfortable with Andy, because he is. It's just that he is so insecure about the scar on his stomach and has it in his head that, should someone see it, they'd call it ugly. They'd call him ugly. Is he ugly?

He can't help himself from looking at the scar in the mirror as he changes, running his fingers over the mark and sighing. Why did she have to hurt him? He doesn't understand. Not really. He doesn't know what he did wrong, what made her hate him so fucking much. And what about Johnathon? Why did he always shout at him? Remington did nothing to deserve that, did he? He was quiet, he kept to himself, he did what he was told. Sure, he screamed a few times, but that wasn't his fault, not really. And Johnathon should have been supportive. He knew what had happened to Remington. He knew that shouting scared him, that a raised voice brought to the surface terrible memories. He knew that. But he still shouted.

Maybe he wanted to hurt Remington. Maybe he liked upsetting him and shouting at him and accusing him of things that weren't his fault.

Wow, Remington thinks, he's like Holly.

The thought makes him shiver. He wonders what would have happened if he hadn't come home, if he had stayed for a few more weeks. Would Johnathon have gone as far as to physically hurt him?

Or is it just Holly who wold do that?

God, it's confusing. Why does he end up with people who are mean? Why is he never able to speak up? Why can he not sense a toxic relationship until he's trapped in it?

I'm such a fucking idiot, he tells himself, pulling the shirt on and opening the bathroom door. But Jonathon is right. I don't deserve Andy.