Help Me (sequel to Save Me)

Chapter 115

Trigger warning.

Remington steps into Abigail's house, pressing her a grateful smile for what she did for him last night. He sits down and she talks. "How are you feeling today?" She asks.

The boy shrugs. "I don't know. I'm mad at Emerson for not telling me."

Abigail hums. "That's understandable. Do you think you'll talk to him about it?" She pours him a glass of water.

"I don't want to," Remington admits, picking up the glass. "I just-I feel weird, and kind of-kind of weak, you know? Like-I just wanna curl up on the sofa with Andy and forget about everything for a bit." He sips the water. "Arguing with Em makes me so sad and now he has cancer and I don't know how to deal with that, and I feel so selfish for making this about me."

"Okay, Remington, it's not selfish to be feeling like this. You've been told something really upsetting and it's okay to feel overwhelmed by it."

Remington sighs and messes with his rings. "Am I being sent back to the mental hospital because I nearly-nearly killed myself? " He sounds scared.

Abigail knows he didn't like it at the hospital. "No. You did so well with handling it last night, and even though you were on your own, you didn't give up. You've recovered a lot since you first went to the hospital and I don't think it'd do you any good to send you back." She watches him hug his knees to his chest.

"Okay," the boy whispers, relieved.

"I don't want last night to set you back in your recovery, and I want you to know that the way you handled things really makes me so proud of you. A year ago, you never would have been able to get through that without harming yourself."

Fingers twisting the familiar wedding ring, Remington looks up at her. "I nearly did," he says, "I found scissors in the first aid kit and was so close to cutting myself." He looks down again.

Abigail fills his glass up. "What you need to remember is that you didn't do anything, though. You could have, but you didn't. How did you stop yourself?"

"I didn't want to hurt myself, if you know what I mean. I just-I felt like I needed to, but then when I was about to, I guess I realised that cutting myself doesn't help. It just-when I'm doing it, it feels kinda-kinda freeing, but then after I just-I just hate the scars and the stinging and it makes it worse. I didn't want that. I wanted to be okay." He sees her smile and furrows his brows. "Is that good?"

The therapist hums. "That's very good. You recognised that it doesn't help. That's something you've only been doing recently, and you should be proud of yourself for it."

Remington doesn't believe her, no matter how much he wants to. He isn't proud of himself. He hates himself for making Emerson's tragedy about himself. He always makes everything about himself. That's what Holly said, and Emerson, too. It must be right if Emerson said it.

After therapy, Andy takes him home, and asks how it was with Abigail. The boy says it was fine, the he feels better now, and tells Andy he's going upstairs to get his book, leaving Andy to empty the dishwasher.

Each step Remington takes seems bigger than the last, and half way up, he grips the banister and sinks to his knees, sobbing hard and pressing his forehead against the wooden beams. All he can think about is how Emerson is dying. Everything hurts inside. He gasps and tries to calm down, but he can't.

Andy hears the sobs, and runs up the stairs, kneeling on the step below Remington and wrapping the boy in his arms. "It's okay," he whispers, stroking his lover's hair.

Remington is crying heavily. It's the first time he's properly cried since he was told about Emerson. He was trying to be strong, to prove to everyone that he's not that weak, damaged little boy, but he can't do that when he is that weak, damaged little boy. "He's gonna die!" Remington sobs, "he's gonna die and it should be me!"