Help Me (sequel to Save Me)

Chapter 59

Trigger warning. :)

Wow. It's been a while since I wrote my thoughts down like this. I don't know what's going on with my if I'm honest. My fans want me to kill myself. I kinda want to kill myself, too. Is that bad? I don't know what to write. There is so much in my head and none of it's very clear. Is that bad? Every time Andy leaves and goes to the studio I get scared that he'll never come back. It makes me shake, sometimes, and then cry. I haven't told him. It might make him leave for good if he knows. Yesterday he got home later than usual and I had a panic attack, but I didn't tell him. I couldn't. It was awful. It happened in the shower so I could calm down before he saw, but I felt like I was going to die. I remember what it felt like when I tried to overdose. I really wanted to die. I felt relieved, but then guilty, and then just sad. I'm so sad.
Fuck.
I am so fucking sad.
Why am I this sad? What's wrong with me? I should be happy. I'm married and in love, but I'm sad.

Remington comes with Andy to the studio today. "I don't wanna be on my own," he said as they were getting dressed, "I might do something." He didn't have to say anything else. Andy knew exactly what he meant.

When they get to the studio, Lonny, CC, and Jake are already there, and they welcome Remington in. None of them really know much, just that Remington was abused and has tried to kill himself before. The boy was happy for Andy to tell them that, and anyway, it's good for them to know, so try treat him gently. Just because he goes crazy on stage doesn't mean he is some strong, happy person all the time. He's fragile, and he knows he is.

While they're waiting for Jinxx to turn up, Remington and Lonny talk for a bit, and the younger thinks they could become good friends. He likes Lonny, likes how genuine he is. "How's it going?" The bassist asks.

Remington smiles. "Not great," he answers, "our fans are fucking crazy. I've been told to kill myself a few times." He never means for these things to come out. They just do. At least he's comfortable telling people.

"Fanbases can be very-" he pauses to think of the right word, "-brutal."

The boy nods. "Brutal is definitely the word for it. It's hard to ignore sometimes, you know? Like-I just want to like some drawings and stuff, but all I see is this awful shit about me and it hurts."

Lonny understands. When he first joined Black Veil Brides fans were mad because he wasn't Ashley. They've mostly stopped now. He feels for Remington. It's clear, just from looking at him and hearing him talk, that he isn't stable, that stuff like this really gets to him. "I'm sorry. It sucks that they can't let you be happy." Remington likes how Lonny talks to him, how the man seems to be genuinely interested.

Jinxx comes in, greeting everyone, and the band set up. They're re-recording Carolyn today.

Remington is happy watching and listening while they record the guitars and the drums, but when Andy is singing he feels sad, because he misses it. The touring, the live shows, the VIPs, the band. And even though they haven't broken up, he knows they'll never go back to how they were, because everyone hates Remington, and that'll never just disappear.

He looks around the studio, at the microphones, the guitars, the technology, the people, and blinks back tears. Palaye Royale will never be the same and he doesn't know how to deal with that. He needs that band.

The boy finds Andy's car keys in his jacket pocket which is over the back of a chair, and leaves the room. He sits in the car and puts his head in his hands, hating how easily he's upset. He shouldn't be crying over someone else singing in a band, but he is. It hurts because he's the reason Palaye Royale are falling apart. He's the one everyone hates. He's the one they all want to die.

But he hasn't done anything wrong.

Has he?

He feels useless, hopeless. The only thing he's good at is singing, performing, writing songs. And that's gone, and he doesn't know how long for. What else is he meant to do with his life? He can't do anything else. He can't!

Whatever he does to try and fix it makes everything worse. He can't win. If he apologises he's accused of attention seeking, but if he doesn't apologise, he's selfish. If he collapses, he's faking it, but if he doesn't then he's fine. That's what everyone wants. They want Remington to be fine so that they can tell him all about how his band saved their life.

And Remington just wants to tell them all that he's close to losing his because of them.

It's not meant to be like that.

They should support eachother. Bands say that fans are equal, but really, it's the fans that are in control. If they want something, they get it. They don't care who they're hurting, not really. That's what it feels like to Remington, anyway. If his fans cared then they would have taken down the confession pages when he asked, and they wouldn't be telling him to literally kill himself.

That's not what fans should do to someone they supposedly look up to. It's not right.

Someone opens the door. Remington doesn't lift his head. "Princess, what's wrong?" It's Andy, and the boy just shakes his head. "How long have you been here?" Remington shakes his head again. He can't seem to stop crying. "Do you want a hug?"

Nodding this time, Remington lets Andy pull him out of the car and into his arms, leaning against the side of the vehicle. "I just-I miss being in a band," he mumbles, trying to calm his breathing.

Andy kisses his head and strokes his hair. "You're still in a band," he says, "you've just stopped touring for a bit, that's all." He knows it's more than that. He knows Palaye Royale is falling to pieces, but he doesn't need to say it. He needs to comfort Remington, to reassure him.

"No, Andy, everyone wants me to die!"

"It's not everyone, sweetheart, it's just a few assholes ruining it for everyone else. You can't let it get to you like this." His husband stumbles in his arms and Andy tightens his grip on him. "Come back inside, have some water, and the other's wanted to ask you to do the backing vocals for a few songs."

Remington perks up at that. "Okay." He wipes his eyes and follows the man inside, hoping no one asks him why he's been crying. He hates having to explain.