Help Me (sequel to Save Me)

Chapter 85

Trigger warning.

Andy watches Remington sleep. The boy's face is so delicate, so precious, with his hands tucked under his head and his legs curled up. He carefully strokes hair from his face, and thinks about the coming months.

They've had some bad days since coming home from hospital. It was a reassurance there, that he was being fed, but now he's got no feeding tube, it's tough. Andy finds it hard to get him to eat without forcing him, and he keeps getting so scared that he's going to snap, like Sebastian, and hurt Remington. He never wants to hurt Remington.

The boy moves, cuddles up into his husband. Andy knows he'll wake soon from a bad dream. He never sleeps for more than two hours at a time. Sometimes Remington tells him about the dreams, but then sometimes he refuses, says that he can't remember even though they both know he can. Andy wonders if he won't say what they're about because they scare him too much to talk about, or because he's ashamed of them, or perhaps both. Or maybe something else. It scares Andy that Remington doesn't tell him these things all the time. Remington has never been good at dealing with things alone, everyone who knows him well knows that. Even his fans seem to know that.

So why is he keeping things from him? Why can't he tell him what these nightmares are about? Why can't he even tell Abigail

The truth is - Remington's been having these awful dreams about Andy abandoning him, and more recently, about Andy hurting him and the abandoning him. They're terrifying him, and worse than that, they're convincing him that Andy really will do something like that. So he's been keeping things that he would normally tell him inside, and when Abigail asks, he lies to her, too, tells her that he's doing okay, even though he isn't. He wants to tell Andy everything, and he misses it, but it's just impossible to ignore the fucking nightmares, and he's worried that if they don't go away soon, he's going to do something to ruin their relationship, to tear them apart. And that can never happen.

Remington wakes with a start. He looks at Andy, who sits up with him, and sinks back down into the pillow. Andy offers a hug, which the younger accepts. "If you want to tell me about it, I'll listen," he says quietly, like he does every time this happens.

The boy shakes his head. "Don't feel like talking," he murmurs, "just cuddles."

"Lots of cuddles for you, baby boy." He kisses his lover's head, ties to read his expression. What was the dream about?

Abigail is concerned, too. She knows he's hiding things from her. She's known him long enough to be able to tell when he's lying, when he says that he's okay but really he isn't. She needs him to tell her what's really going on but she can't pressure him or he'll just close up more. It's upsetting; knowing something is wrong but not know what that something is. She may be a therapist, but she's not a mind reader. Sometimes she wishes she was. Normally Remington tells her everything, good or bad, and everyone knows how much he needs to have her talk to, other wise he gets so overwhelmed and anxious and his recovery goes backwards. One thing leads to another and soon he's back in hospital because he stopped eating again, all because he kept something from Abigail.

Sebastian,
I can't believe you've been gone for two weeks now. I hope you're doing okay. I was let out of hospital two days ago, and have to see Abigail every two days to make sure I'm keeping on top of my stupid recovery. It's so hard, Sebby, to eat and not be sick. I keep thinking about what Holly used to tell me, how I'm disgusting, and what if she's right? I don't want to be disgusting. I want to be pretty. I want to feel pretty and I don't.
Andy is taking good care of me. Please don't worry about that. He makes me food and never shouts at me and didn't even raise his voice yesterday, when I cut again. I know it's wrong, but if I can't starve then I have to do something. I promised Andy I'd tell Abi about it today but I didn't. I lied to her. I miss your hugs. I'm coming to visit you on Thursday, with Em. I haven't seen much of him since you've been gone. I hope he's okay. I'm not. I can't sleep well and I keep losing my temper and shouting at Andy, even when he's done nothing wrong at all. I'd be surprised if he doesn't leave me soon.
I forgive you for what you said, when you hurt me. It's okay. I know I'm difficult to handle sometimes. All the time, actually. I can't control my emotions for the fucking life of me and I hate it. Like now, I'm literally fucking crying and I wasn't a minute ago. I can hardly even breathe half the time.
How are you? Are you doing okay on your own? You've always been good at looking after yourself, and looking after me. Thank you. I don't thank you enough. You've done so much for me that no one should have to do. Like when you caught me outside that venue when I collapsed. No one should have to witness their little brother collapsing. And when you protected me on tour when I had flashbacks. You gave up so much fun just to stay with me and keep me safe. And your hugs. Thank you for all your hugs.
I miss you, Sebby, a lot. Maybe you could write back to me, so I know you're okay?
I love you.
Your little brother, Remington.
Ps- please don't stop calling me bub. <3