Help Me (sequel to Save Me)

Chapter 151

Trigger warning

"I hurt myself," Remington tells his therapist quietly into the phone. "Yesterday. With some scissors. I cut my stomach. I've never done that before. I didn't know how to stop. I kept telling myself just one more cut, but each time I needed to do more."

"When you think about it now, how do you feel about it?"

The boy sighs. "I wanna do it again," he admits. "I know it's bad and it hurts but I-sometimes I feel so dead and hurting makes me feel more alive, I guess. I don't know, it's fucked up."

"It's not fucked up. It's understandable. It sounds like you're trying to feel something because you feel numb. Does that make sense?"

"But I don't know if I am numb. I mean, I feel sad. I feel so sad that I can't feel anything else. I just wanna be able to feel something more than just sadness."

"Pain is like an escape. Is that how it feels? You hurt yourself because feeling pain takes your mind off the sadness."

"Yeah. That's it. At least physical pain is bearable. The pain in my mind isn't bearable anymore. Even with the pills you prescribed me, I still can't bear it."

Abigail is glad to hear he's at least taking the meds. "Are you feeling worse than when we talked the other day?"

The boy looks at the cuts on his stomach. "A lot worse," he answers, "Andy came up with a way for me to tell him how bad it is."

"Okay. What's that?"

"I just have to say a number. It's meant to be from one to ten but I'm like...twenty eight, now."

"And is that helping him to understand and to look after you?"

"Yeah. He makes sure he knows if it gets worse. I feel better with him knowing." Remington pulls his shirt up over his ribs. "I don't think my anorexia is ever gonna get better." He can't help himself, and draws over the dips in the bones with his skinny fingers.

"It will. Recovery gets easier the longer you stick at it."

He traces a finger up the middle of his chest, pressing hard. "But it feels like it's getting harder."

"Tell me how you've been managing with it recently."

"I haven't." His hand moves over his ribs again, and down to his hips.

"Have you even eating?"

"Yes, but-"

"Well then you're managing, Remington. It might not feel like it, but eating is recovering. I promise you, it'll get better."

Remington pulls the shirt back down. "But when? When will it get better? Because I can't-I can't keep feeling this. I just can't."

"You just gotta keep fighting. Keep going. What you're experiencing is just a rough patch, and it'll pass. You can't give up because of this."

"I just don't know how I'm meant to keep going, Abi. It's so hard every day."

"You just need to take it one at a time. Each day you keep on will push you closer to the day when it gets better."

The boy rubs his eyes. "I feel like every time I wake up I'm sinking further into this awful, dark grave, and I'm so scared that one day I'll wake up and I'll just be buried in this deep, suffocating grave, and no one will hear me scream for help and I'll be so alone and there'll be nothing left to do apart from die."

"It's okay to feel like that. The important thing is that you don't give in to it, that you fight through it."

"What if I'm sick of fighting?"

After talking to Abigail, Remington braves the living area of the bus, where everyone except for Emerson is sat, talking and passing the time.

He sits down beside Andy and presses a smile, even though it's difficult and he feels like crying all the time.

Andy smiles back, in the comforting, loving way that makes Remington feel safe. "Good talk?"

Remington nods.

"Oh, I got you something. It's on my phone."

"What is it?"

Andy shrugs. "Come and see. I promise you'll like it." He stands up and holds his hand out for Remington, who goes with him back to the bunk. "Here, watch this."

The boy takes Andy's phone, pressing play on the video on the screen. He raises an eyebrow when he sees who's on screen.

Gerard Way.

"Wha-"

"Just watch it."

He turns the volume up as Gerard starts talking.

"Hi Remington. I heard you're going through a hard time."

Remington covers his mouth with his hand.

"I hope you're okay. I want to tell you that things will get better, and that I know you will get through the other end and you will be stronger than ever. And you will write songs about this, and they'll be beautiful and I'll play them on repeat until I know every word. I hope you know how beautiful your voice is. It's one of my favourites. I love your song Anxiety. I love all your songs."

Remington looks at Andy, tearful.

"Don't be afaird of taking a break from your band if you need to. Your mental health is always more important than any band. I understand how stressful it can get. Congratulations on your marriage! I'm so happy that you've found Andy. You two are perfect together.

"While I don't know what you're going through, I do know that it won't be like this forever. Don't forget that. Even if it feels impossible at times, I promise it will get better. It might take a while, but it will happen. You have people who love you and you have fans who adore you and you are never alone. You are not alone, Remington. Please know that.

"I want you to know that you are so talented and so special and the world needs you. Please don't go anywhere. Stay. Even when it feels hard. Stay. For the shows you're gonna play, for the people you're gonna meet, for all those kids who respect the fuck out of you and who listen to your songs and watch videos of you religiously, who can come home from a shit day and be able to listen to your music and feel better. For everyone who doesn't know you yet, and who will discover you and wonder why the fuck it took them so long. For your brothers, for Andy, for me. Stay.

"I respect you, Remington, for being so unapologetically yourself. I think you're fucking incredible. I've got tickets for one of your shows. I'll see you there. Stay safe, and stay alive. You are never alone."

Remington hands the phone back and just looks at Andy, tears dripping down his cheeks. "How-how'd you..."

Andy offers a hug. "That's not important. I wanted you to see that. I known he's your idol and I know you feel like giving up, and I hope that hearing Gerard say all that might make you see that you're really not alone on this. You've got his support, you've got my support, and the support of so many poeple."

The boy sobs. "Thank you so much," he cries, "oh my God, what the fuck? Gerard freaking Way knows who I am!" He laughs through the sobs and Andy knows it's the first time he's properly and genuinely laughed for weeks.

And tonight, he goes on stage happy.