Help Me (sequel to Save Me)

Chapter 86

Trigger warning.

Remington knows he's dreaming but if feels so real.

He's having a fight with Andy. They're shouting insults back and forth, and the reoccurring subject is, of course, Remington's eating. Remington keeps saying that he's scared but Andy doesn't care. He keeps shouting.

And then he's pushed, and he stumbles back, and screams as Andy comes at him with a knife. It's the same knife Holly used to stab him. Suddenly he's bleeding, and it's hard to breathe, and when he looks up, it's Holly there, and not Andy.

He's back in the hotel room, in the bath tub, water sloshing around. She pushes him under.

He wakes stiff and scared and with a gasp, but won't say anything about it to Andy, who wraps him in a hug. Andy knows they're getting bad again because Remington is trembling, and he also knows that they're getting bad because he won't talk about them. He wonders how long it will be until the boy breaks, because he will.

In Abigail's house, Remington still refuses to talk about it. He wants to but he just can't, and he doesn't even know why. "Whatever it is, Remington, you need to tell someone. You know what happens if you don't," the woman says, trying to coax it out of him.

But he shakes his head. "I'm fine," he lies, "just tired 's all."

They get nowhere in the session. It's just an hour of Remington avoiding questions and staring at the floor until he can go home. Andy asks how it was and he shrugs, says it was fine.

Everything is fine.

Except it isn't. Everything isn't fine.

When he has to have dinner, Remington forces it down just to please Andy, who knows damn well something is wrong.

But what?

Remington,
I can't wait to see you when you visit. Bring your smile with you?
I'm doing okay, I guess, considering it's prison. I'm glad Andy is taking good care of you. Promise me you won't hide anything from him? I know you sometimes keep things inside without meaning to. I don't want that to happen again, specially not while I'm gone.
I'm proud of you for eating even though it's hard. You'll get through this. I know you will. Everyone knows you will.
Thankyou for forgiving me for being such a shitty brother. I fucked up big time. What did I do to deserve to know you? I hope you know how wonderful you are, and how much you mean to so many people. I know sometimes it doesn't feel like that, but I promise you're loved by so many. To name a few - Me, Emerson, Andy (who I'm pretty sure would literally kill for you), Abigail, Faye.
How is Faye? Have you seen her recently? I hope I haven't scared her off. Tell me all about what you've been up to when you visit. I want to know.
I got a letter from Emerson today. He's worried about you. He says you're quieter than usual, which must mean you're not talking, because you're quiet anyway. Please don't close up, bub, I don't what you to hurt like that. If you're hurting then you tell someone. Do that for me? If you won't tell anyone for you, tell someone for me, because I care and because I love you and because being away from you like this is so hard. I miss your hugs, too. You're so cuddly. I miss your voice, and the way your hair was floppy when it wasn't full of hairspray. I miss you. I never thought I'd ever miss a sibling so much, but here I am, missing you more than I miss touring. And you know how much I miss touring.
Don't feel pressured into rushing back into the band. I know you miss it, we all do, but you are more important. And I also know that you feel guilty about it, but it's not your fault. If you want to blame someone, blame Holly. Blame her for all of this. Don't blame yourself. Never do that.
I hope Andy tells you off for saying sorry, or better still, I hope you don't say sorry at all. You don't need to apologise for anything.
This letter is a whole mess, like me. You're probably reading this and thinking 'what the fuck is he on?' I can assure you that this is just how my brain works. You probably figured that out a while ago.
Anyway, please, if you won't take anything else from this letter, take this - don't keep things inside because you're scared of talking about them. Don't hurt alone when there are people who will listen and help and make you feel okay again. If I know you at all, which I think I do, then I know that you're probably sick of hearing this by now, but please PLEASE talk to someone if you're hurting. PLEASE. I want you to do that. For me.
Sending hugs and lots of love,
your big, over protective brother.
Sebastian.
PS - I love you, bub.