Vexa
By: enirose19
Teen Fiction/Action
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 8.5/10
*Title
Nice choice! Even if it is a person's name, it is unique. And it's pretty on-point since the story will revolve solely on her.
*Cover
The cover is fine. It suits the story. I'll rate it as 7/10. Not bad. But also, it is still lacking. You can still improve it.
*Description
Good! You included enough informations. Revise lang natin ng konti. I'll leave my suggestion here. You may or may not follow it. It is up to you.
High school student by day, serial killer by night
(no period since hindi siya sentence)
Vexa behaves as a normal 16 years old student during the day. However, she has another identity unknown to everyone. At night, she discreetly terminates her fellow students such as the bullies, rapists, drug addicts, killers, and many others having bad records.
As the authorities found dead bodies dumped in Tuson's River, the school administration decided to cooperate in finding the suspect. As the investigation continues, Vexa's hidden identity becomes threatened more than ever.
(I did not included Zinc. In my opinion, it kinds of reveals something that the readers shall only discover upon reading the story.)
*Language & Style
May potential ang narration. However, kulang pa rin ito. Hindi mo nama-maximize ang pag-describe sa senses - ang nakikita, naririnig, naaamoy, nahahawakan, at nalalasahan. Kulang sa visuals, mostly. And palawakin pa ang vocabulary para sa choice of words.
For instance, you just said "emotionless".
Don't say it. Describe it. What is the appearance of the eyes when someone is emotionless? Is she smiling or smirking? I mean, the eyes could still be emotionless even if the character is smiling.
Pay attention on things like that.
Nakakalimutan mo rin madalas maglagay ng attributions. Like "she said", "he uttered", etc. Even if sa tingin mo obvious na ang nagsasalita, hindi pa rin excuse iyon para hindi maglagay ng attributions.
Kada isang paragraph ay isang speaker lang din. Huwag pagsamahin sa isang paragraph ang dialogue ng isang tao at reaction ng isa pa. Confusing yun. Sa isang paragraph, one person only. It may include his/her dialogue, tone, reaction, narration, etc.
I spotted numerous typographical errors, grammatically incorrect sentences, and misusage of punctuations. Proofread mo na lang kapag natapos mo na ang story mo.
Maximize the use of Bold and Italicize. Kunyare, if flashback iyon, kahit momentarily lang, gawin mong italicize. Kahit sinabi mong alaala, it matters pa rin na may emphasis yung scenario mismo. For clarity and distinction.
Improve your dialogue pa. Most of the time hindi siya natural.
For example, a teacher saying, "Technically speaking, the suspect is giving us a favor by killing these type of kids." Walang teacher ang magsasabi niyan sa harap ng madaming students kahit SSG pa ang mga ito. Why? Kasi kahit ganoon ang opiniyon nila, kunyare ay against sila rito. Pa-good shot pa rin sila kasi nga teachers sila.
