A Fictitious Reality
By: KyriaArtemisa_
Fantasy/Romance/Adventure
English
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 7/10
*Title
It is an oxymoron and I like its sound when I spoke it.
*Cover
It's cute! I like the font and everything. Halata dito ang pagka-fantasy ng story. Perhaps, maiimprove ito by adding other hint of bright colors.
*Description
I find the structure of the sentence confusing though I understand them. I have a suggestion for its revision but it's up to you if you'll follow it or not.
Anthony Carson, a fiction writer, seeks the approval of his agent. He went on a journey finding inspiration for his new story, but what he discovered was far-stretched than any other fictional being he had ever written - a strange cat who can transform to a drop dead gorgeous man.
[I honestly think you can end the description here because further details written in your description reveals much of the plot. The first paragraph is enough for the readers to grasp the storyline without being spoiled so much. Also, fiction writer not fictional. Magkaiba po ang dalawang word na iyon.]
*Language & Style
🔹 Your ability to describe emotions, appearance, and anything else is noticeable. You know how to show and not just tell. This is quite a good start.
🔹In my opinion, you overused semicolon. Using it from time to time is fine. However, all of your paragraphs and almost all of your sentences has one or more in it. I think you should just start with a new sentence for most part, or break-off the passage into smaller, more comprehensible sentences. Even if you do know how to use a semicolon, you should consider your readers. Using a semicolon (when in fact it is not necessary) is for the writer to show-off his/her skills and not for the reader to comprehend the paragraph.
"Semicolons have two functions. They connect closely related independent clauses and they serve as sort of uber commas to manage unwieldy lists. Independent clauses by definition can stand alone as sentences. That means that a semicolon between them is never necessary. Unwieldy lists are, by definition, unwieldy. That means that semicolons aid and abet bad writing."
In a nutshell, semicolon only makes bad writing plausible and technically correct. But you should take note that correct grammar doesn't mean that the style of writing and its structure is good. What makes a style good is its ability to make the readers absorb the idea of the paragraphs without getting tired. Rather, more imaginative. That is why, a period is more utilized than a semicolon.
🔹There's a lot of noticeable grammatically incorrect sentences. This is the unedited version so understandable naman.
🔹After the dialogue, the attribution starts with lowercase letter. But if it is not an attribution, start with a capital letter.
Ex:
"I-I really wanted to become a writer, why it is so hard?" he whispered to himself as he started to walk again to go home.
[Beginning "he whispered" with a lowercase letter is correct. What makes this passage wrong is its structure and the usage of some words.]
"I-I really want to become a writer. Why is it so hard?" he whispered to himself as he started walking again.
["Want" instead of "wanted" because he still wants to be, right? "Why it is" is a declarative form while "Why is it" is the interrogative form. When writing a question, the verb comes first before the subject. I omitted the "to go home" because walking is the relevant action there.]
Ex2:
"Maybe, Mr. So is right? I am useless." he gripped his hair hard, not minding the stares and whispers of the people watching him.
[The sentence after the dialogue is not an attribution but a description of his action. Plus, you already used a period. While this might be a typographical error, succeeding paragraphs made me realize it isn't. They are all in lower case kasi.]
"Maybe, Mr. So is right. I am useless." He gripped his hair hard, not minding the stares and whispers of the people watching him.
🔹Most dialogues and the succeeding passages within the paragraph are mismatched.
Ex:
"If you continue to be this incompetent, stop writing and start working in a garbage chute!" he could feel the weight on his chest get more heavier as the words lashed his soul.
[The one who spoke was Mr. So. But the succeeding narration was for the main character. Separate them.]
"If you continue to be this incompetent, stop writing and start working in a garbage chute!"
The words lashed his soul. He felt a weight on his chest and a lump in his throat. As a second passed, the weight got heavier until he could no longer hold it in. A lone tear escaped from his eye. Another one dripped. One more followed. Tears kept pouring and pouring 'til it became a storm.
[Be careful of run-on sentences. I read a lot.]
🔹 You have a wide vocabulary. However, you are not wise in forming sentence structures. I suggest you practice more and read more published English novels.
🔹Inconsistent ang verb tenses sa narration. Stick to past tense and minimize or not use contractions at all.
🔹While you have a potential in expressing words and description, you still do a lot of telling than showing.
Ex:
'Hurt me, the hell I care what' s important is I already finish the meal.' that' s his motto against the bully cats and his strategy as well.
[Do not say na motto niya 'yan. Rather, just make it his thought. Then in succeeding similar scenarios, always include that in his thought. That way, it will leave a mark in the reader's head since he/she read it repeatedly. Not in just one chapter, but in many others. Para bang naging trademark na talaga siya nitong pusa.]
*Plot/Storyline
I can't say much since early chapters pa lang ang mayro'n sa story. But I like what it offers.
Ang build-up since prologue up to the latest chapter ay maayos at pinag-isipan. The author follows a distinct plan for this story and it showed quite well in the early chapters.
I don't read a lot of Boys Love but this fantasy/adventure story seems like a promising novel in the future. Not only it features LGBT community but also it incorporated an interesting spice of animal (pet) transformation.
If written well, I think even kids (or the younger generation) would love the story so much.
*Characters
Maayos naman ang build up ng characters. Perhaps, I just don't find the dialogues realistic. Of course, pinagiisipan naman talaga kung anong isusulat as dialogue. However, don't try too hard. It becomes more scripted than you thought.
The behavior of the cat is great though. You did a good job in that aspect.
Overall verdict:
May potential ang storyline and ang narration. Maraming dapat ayusin tho. I did not enjoy the reading experience pero siguro 'yon ay dahil I was mindful of the errors. I find a lot of areas unpleasant to the eye. What I admire here is the author' s remarkable level of vocabulary. The vibe is similar to some best selling novels out there. Keep improving, keep writing, and Godbless!
***
Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
