War on Love
By: imaginatacia
Teen Fiction/Fantasy
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 8.5/10
*Title
First of all, prepositions are lowercase in title. Hence, "On" should be "on".
Second, it might be related well to the story but it doesn't sound intriguing. Sa'kin lang naman yo'n. Siguro dahil common word na ang love. Interesting ang plot mo so, I suggest take a time and brainstorm your title to make it as interesting as your plot.
*Cover
Halatang teen fiction na kaagad unang tingin pa lang. Kuhang-kuha na nito ang attention ng mga readers na naghahanap ng mga teen fic. However, I suggest na sana ay ando'n ang batang cupid sa cover. It will be cute and appealing to the eye kapag kita rin ang pagiging fantasy nito.
*Description
You did it the right way naman. Kaya lang, the choice of words and sentence structure are a bit unsatisfying for me.
So I made a revised suggestion. You may get it and adapt it or you can revise it yourself. It's up to you.
Here it is...
Love makes the world go round. It gives meaning to life. People want it. People crave it. People need it.
Love is so powerful that it could turn anyone into a fool. Most people give everything they have for it. They would fight for love even if it is against all odds.
But, Merakiel is not one of them. She is one of the few people who would rather DEFEAT LOVE than FIGHT FOR IT.
When her first love disappeared and everything went wrong, she did not blame him for it. Rather, she put the blame on a mythological being - Cupid. She wanted him to exist and wage war against him and his force. In fact, she is already battling him by breaking numerous relationships.
What if Cupid suddenly takes action that would challenge and complicate her life?
Would she still vanquish love or would love find its way to her heart once again?
*Language & Style
I recommend na huwag ka mag switch sa third person POV kung sandali lang naman at kaya rin namang i-narrate ng first person POV na siyang ginamit mo na mula simula pa lang.
Hindi naman nagdagdag ng mysterious effect or impact ang pagpalit ng POV na iyon. Same lang ang effect kahit nasa first person pa rin ang POV.
For instance, nakita pa rin naman ni Aki iyong pagtama ng arrow kay Zeld. She could just narrate it in her POV rather than changing into 3rd person just to point out na may bata roon. Irrelevant. Kasi maaari din naman na mahagip ng mata ni Aki ang bata.
Another example, Chapter V. Limited pa rin naman ang pagka third person POV nito. Naka-focus pa rin kay Aki. So bakit nag-switch ka pa when you can achieve the same narration and impact using first person POV?
Don't forget letter i in niya, kaniya, siya, etc.
"HAHAHA" or any sound, reaction or expression must be narrated. Don't put it in dialogue. I believe that style is effective mostly in epistolary. Yours is novel. You can still achieve the mood you want naman by narrating the scenario accordingly.
"... Nothing. "
Does this mean may kaunting silence muna bago siya nagsalita? Naghesitate siya bago siya magsalita? Narrate it. Do not write it like that.
For example, write it like this.
I opened my mouth but closed it again immediately. "Nothing," I responded.
Huwag mo rin pagsamahin ang dialogue ng isang tao at ng movements/expression/thoughts ng kausap niya. Isang character per paragraph lang.
Ex:
"Bakit?" Humarap ako sa lalaking sumunod pala sa'kin.
It could be...
"Bakit?" Tanong ni Zeld.
Sununod pala siya sa'kin. Humarap ako sa kaniya.
Also, the dialogues. Some of it are unnatural and not accurate for the character.
For instance, chapter VI, the conversation between cupid and her mother.
"I'm sorry, Ina."
she cares not like Ama
Really?
It's cringe. They are gods and goddesses. Syempre dahil Filipino version, why not just make the dialogues pure Filipino language para sa kanila lang. If Cupid learned taglish while nasa mundo ng mga tao, doon niya lang gamitin iyon. But when talking to his parents, formal dapat. They are not just anyone kasi.
Tapos iyong alagad niya ay English speaker. Unrealistic. Even if fantasy ang sinusulat mo, do it right and align the language right pa rin. Filipino na lang sis. Iyong formal Filipino words na lang. Mas okay kung gano'n kapag ang nag-uusap ay iyong mga gods and godesses at ang iba pang nasa mundo nila.
Also, you used HIS POV for both Zeld and Cupid. I find it confusing as it depicts na iisang tao iyong His POV. Isa lang naman kasi si Aki sa HER POV. Just the use the names. Okay na 'yon.
*Plot/Storyline
I love the idea na isa sa friends niya ang tinamaan ng pana ni cupid! Ramdam ko iyong cringe based on experience din kasi.
Anyhow, I love that cupid is depicted as a little child in the story (turned a man). Honestly, my impression is that cupid and aki will have a lovestory as a result of their war. However, it isn't just the case. There is another man named Anteros, Cupid's brother which is Zeld. For now, it might just be Zeld and Aki but I sensed it will be a lovetriangle. It is interesting tho.
Also, I believe there is something mysterious in Aki's past that she herself doesn't know or can't remember since she can see the gods. My guess is that she is Psyche, the missing wife of Cupid as mentioned by her teacher. Interesting. I hope the ending is tragic for both cupid and Aki. You know, making the readers laugh and happy during early chapters but making them cry so hard by the later chapters.
Even if this is teen fiction, maganda ang mundong binuo mo sa loob nito. The storyline has a lot of potential and napaka entertaining. Student life but I like the twist. The story also manifested a wise use of tropes. No wonder you got many reads. Kudos for that!
*Characters
Aki is a breakup planner, right? Hindi ito masyadong established, for me. Kasi ang unang scenario is nakipag away na siya dahil nga sa panghuhula niya diba? In my opinion, dapat ang unang atake ay on action siya sa kung paano niya hinuhulaan ang mga couple at kung paano niya sila sinisira. Para matibay ang foundation. Instead of binabanggit lang madalas na break up planner siya or may plano siyang hulaan. Show it. Show your readers kung bakit at paanong famous break up planner siya. She has to earn that reputation. Visuals, darling. Amuse us.
I like how you wrote the gods and goddesses. It is obvious that you did your research well. Keep doing that!
Overall verdict:
This story has a lot of potential. I can sense that this will be a great story under the teen fiction genre. Entertaining and interesting. Marami lang technicalities but kayang-kaya naman i-edit. Keep writing and Godbless!
***
Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
