Searching for innocence
By: City_Telle
Action/Mystery
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 7/10
*Title
I think mas suitable kung, "Searching for the Innocent", "Finding the Innocent", or "Hunting the Innocent."
*Cover
Suited man sa theme ang mood ng cover, wala itong appeal. Also, may quote yata ro'n pero masyadong malabo para mabasa. Kung sino man ang innocent na character ay dapat kumikinang siya sa puti sa cover. Like an angel. Para bang ang background ay inferno tapos nasa middle ay angel or basta sumisimbolo sa innocence.
*Description
Naibigay mo naman ang overview ng conflict ng story.
Huwag mo na ilagay ang quotation do'n sa description mo. Unnecessary na siya. Malalaman naman ng readers na kakaiba siya sa pagdedescribe mo na hinahanap ng killers ay inosente.
Gusto ko sana mag-suggest ng revision nito. Kaya lang mayroon din akong suggestion about sa plot kaya hindi ako makapag suggest dito kasi ang naiisip ko is iyong plot na sinuggest ko. Which is medyo hindi tumutugma sa idea mo kaya I think, huwag na lang muna. Fix your storyline na lang muna siguro? I discussed it under plot section naman so, please continue reading below.
*Language & Style
Huwag na po sanang sa center ang alignment ng paragraphs. Kung maaari ay sa gilid na lang po.
Since sinabi na hindi ka masyadong magaling sa Filipino language, I don't see the reason why not just write it in English language? But, you're doing fine naman in writing it in Taglish. It's not perfect but you're doing fine.
You are still lacking when it comes to narration. Pay attention to the senses - sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing. Dapat naiisama mo kung ano ang nadedetect ng senses sa narration mo.
Problema nga lang rin pagdating sa dialogues. Hindi bumabagay paminsan sa character.
For example,
"K-kuya, may kilala po ba kayong Nouvel Zo-"
Really? I get that hindi siya magaling makipag socialize at wala siyang kakilala. But then again, she's a killer. For a killer, she sounded like an intimidated and shy kid. The tone has to be badass and cold kung gusto mo kaming mapapaniwala sa character na pinoportray niya.
"Do you know Nouvel Zoran?"
As simple as that will do. Just be direct and cool.
*Plot/Storyline
Actually, interesting. Binaliktad mo ito. Instead na ang bida ay nagiinvestigate kung sino ang killer or something like that, ginawa mo ay ang murderers ang humahanap sa innocents. It's brilliant.
Gusto ko rin ang mundong binuo mo sa story. And the names of the places. Kudos for that!
I have a feeling na siya ang inosente na tinutukoy? Or maybe not. Maybe it's the leading man. Anyhow, you captured my curiosity. I just hope the story won't be predictable as it goes on.
Also, I suggest na instead of 101 missions, 101 kills na lang. Syempre iuutos pa rin ng VL Government kung sino ang papatayin nila. Mas may thrill kung ang mga kapwa criminals nila ang siya ring pinapa-target ng VL government. Walang silang kakampi don lahat sila nagpapatayan. Syempre lalaban iyong ipapapatay kaya chaotic talaga iyong place. Para bang, it's either matapos mo iyong 101 kills or patay ka na bago mo pa matapos. Hindi ba mas thrilling iyon? Para habang hinahanap nila iyong inosente, nauubusan na rin sila ng oras para sa sarili nilang buhay.
*Characters
Hindi pa established ang main character. Yes, naipakilala na ito at sa kaniya pa nga ang point of view. However, I didn't felt the connection to her. Lacking pa siya sa development. Kasama na doon ang dialogue at narration. Understandable naman ng konti since early chapters pa lang naman. But, mas okay kung dalang-dala na ang readers prologue pa lang.
Overall verdict:
Work with your dialogues more. Ito ang weakness mo so take your time para ma-improve mo pa ito alongside narration. May potential ang storyline at captivating ito. You just have to effort more in certain aspects like book cover and title to make it more appealing for the readers. And of course, construct unique scenarios. Lastly, do not let low number of readers hinder you to keep writing. Just write and write.
Godbless and Keep up the good work!
***
Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
