Para kay Enro
By: Alegny
Mystery
Filipino
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Legend:
🏅 - 👍 or ❤️
💤 - 👎
🏳️ - suggestions or corrections
Note: Sorry natagalan huhu. Start of classes na rin kasi. 🙏
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Overall rating: 8/10
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*Title
💤 Focused lang ito sa romance aspect of the story. Honestly, hindi nito nakuha ang interest ko.
🏳️I think mas okay kung may konting spice of mystery din ang title.
🏅By finishing the story, I changed my mind. The title, at first glance, just entails the things that Affy did for Enro kasi nga "Para kay Enro." But, as soon as mabasa ko ang password for the SD card, I figured that you did your title right. You put double meaning in it - one that is realized by reading the title alone, and another that could only be known if the story is read and finished. Having two meaning is one of the key elements of a good title. Kudos!
*Cover
🏅Neat and simple
💤 Mukhang lovestory lang ito. Katulad ng sa title, mas okay kung may spice of mystery genre ang cover. Hindi naman masyado. Just add element/s that would somehow elevate the mystery.
*Description
🏅Maayos na naipahayag ang overview
💤 Iyong pang-hook sa dulo which is, "Magtagumpay kaya sila sa paghahanap kay Kate o makahahanap lamang sila ng bagong pag-ibig sa isa't isa?" ay hindi intriguing enough. Plus, it entails that one of those events lang ang mangyayari since it used "o". If they found Kate, then they won't fall in love with each other. Or, If they fell in love with each other, then they won't find Kate. After finishing the story, I found relevance for this. However, I still consider the hook as a weak one.
🏳️First paragraph, alone, already provides the necessary appeal. "Nadamay si Affy sa magulo at misteryosong pagkawala ng kasintahan ni Enro na si Kate" is a better hook than "Magtagumpay kaya sila sa paghahanap kay Kate o makahahanap lamang sila ng bagong pag-ibig sa isa't isa?" Sa tingin ko, just scrap the second paragraph out. Better if iyong first paragraph na lang. The first paragraph ignites interest without revealing too much. Unlike the second one that contains info na sa tingin ko ay malaman lang dapat ng readers habang nagbabasa.
*Language & Style
💤 Prologue could be better. Wala itong relevance and kahit alisin ito ay ayos lang. Remember that you have to win your readers by the first chapter, and if you have a prologue... You have to double the effort and win your readers by both - prologue and first chapter. In your case, masyadong bland ang scenario which doesn't ignite the interest although it sets the mood of the story.
🏳️Pick other more interesting scene in the middle of the story close to the climax (but not the climax) since I infer na In Medias Res na rin naman ang istilong ginamit mo.
🏳️Utilize senses in narrating. Add more narration of actions than just bluntly saying what is what.
🏳️Huwag pagsamahin ang dialogue ng ibang tao at ang kilos o thoughts ng may-ari ng POV sa iisang paragraph. One person per paragraph lang. That way, mas clear.
