Falling For Sky
By: AmourCielo
Fantasy/Romance
English/Tagalog
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Legend:
💤 - 👎
🏅 - 👍 or ❤️
🏳️ - suggestions or corrections
🖇️🖇️🖇️🖇️🖇️
Overall rating: 6.5/10
🖇️🖇️🖇️🖇️🖇️
*Title
💤 Too bland
🏳️ "For" should start in lowercase since part ito ng FANBOYS (for, and, not, but, or, yet, & so).
🏳️ I suggest na baguhin ang title.. Iyong mas evident sana na may pagka fantasy din ang story. "Falling for Sky" only entails romance. I suggest, "Beating the Inevitable (with Sky)", or "Racing Tomorrow [with Sky]" since about changing the future or someone's fate ang story. Pwedeng tanggalin na rin iyong "with Sky" kasi dalawa naman silang narrator so hindi talaga siya about kay Sky lang.
*Cover
🏅 Splendid! I love the font style you used for "Sky."
🏅 I also like the position of lens flare.
🏅 Love the color scheme
*Description
💤 Redundant [The Filipino description just repeated the English description using a different structure. Pinaraphrase lang ba. Let me try a fix for it. It is up to you if you'll adapt it or not.]
🏳️ Suggested revision of description
Our Untold History #1
He is a famous engineering student while she is a nobody... literally.
Iñigo is alive and well.
Sky is already lifeless.
Together, they'll attempt to change the course of fate acting around everyone's life. But, can they still continue trying when fate itself charges repercussions to both of them?
[Hindi ko na sinabi na nakikita ni Sky ang future. Mentioned naman na susubukan nilang baguhin ang hinaharap. Since hindi binanggit na may nakakakita ng future sa kanila, mas macucurious ang readers about the story. Hindi ko rin sinabi na hindi nila inaasahan ang magiging kapalit. That's just too common. Instead, sinabi ko na ang kapalaran ang maniningil ng kapalit. Mas intriguing itong pakinggan.]
*Language & Style
🏳️ Utilize the bold formatting button when indicating the POV.
🏳️ Proofread and edit those words na walang space sa gitna.
[EX: nanaman => na naman]
🏳️ Eliminate vague descriptions, adjectives and adverbs such as "ganong oras", "postura pa lang mahahalata na", "And halatang siya ang may pinaka kaya sa dalawa pang babaeng kasama niya." Make it specific or atleast provide an estimate (e.g. mahigit isang oras). If hindi sure ang character, lagyan ng "siguro" or "baka". Sa vague descriptions, paano nasabi na postura pa lang halata na? Ano bang postura mayro'n? Or Paanong halata na mas may kaya ang isang babae? Anong pananamit, anong mga gamit ang pagmamay-ari niya na nakikita ng character? Etc. You left us hanging everytime you assume that we know what you mean and we see what the character's see. They're in words. Do your best to make us picture the scenarios in our head. Don't treat us like we are just your friend whom you're just chitchatting at the moment.
