The Lifetime Agreement
By: El-Khe
Romance
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 8/10
Note: Sorry it took me two months but here it is.😊
*Title
Sakto naman na ang title para sa story. Alam na kaagad kung anong klaseng story ang mayroon dito.
*Cover
Okay naman siya, presentable. Kita na kaagad na romance genre at ang tinutukoy na agreement since naka-white ang girl. It already signifies that the agreement is marriage.
*Description
Short but precise. Kudos for that. However, the overview of the plot there does not strike curiosity or interest. It is because marami na ang ganoong plot. You have to emphasize the difference of your story among other similar stories out there in order to attract readers.
*Language & Style
Maayos ang pagkakasulat nito. Nakitaan ko lang ito ng kaunting pagkakamali sa bantas. Mostly sa kuwit. Mayroon ding mangilan-ngilan akong nakitang interrobang (?!). It is grammatically incorrect but accepted naman na siya ng ibang authors and community. Your choice na lang din.
Ex1:
"Right now mom?" ==> "Right now, Mom?"
"I know dad." ==> "I know, Dad."
[Succeeding chapters revealed that you always don't use comma when referring a person at the beginning or at the end of the sentence. Proofread and edit them. All of them do not have commas. Since I can't point each comma error in here, I think these link will help you https://www.slideshare.net/mobile/pukaksak/gamit-ng-mga-bantas ]
Ex2:
"Wow! Nice talking," sinadya kong lakasan para marinig niya.
I think it should be...
"Wow! Nice talking." Sinadya kong lakasan para marinig niya.
[Kapag attribution like "saad ko", "aniya", "sagot ko" etc. saka ginagamit ang kuwit. Kahit pa may kasama itong pang-abay katulad ng "nahihiya kong sagot", "madiin niyang usal," etc. ay kuwit pa rin ang dapat na gamitin. Pero kapag hindi ito isang attribution sa halip ay isang statement na narration, tuldok na. Also, in succeeding chapters, you usually use period instead of comma for your attributions. That should not be the case. Inexplain ko na kung paano sa previous sentences.]
Ex3:
Ibang-iba na ang itsura nito ngayon, dati ay masyadong tradisyonal ang disenyo maging ang mga gamit na nandito.
[I think it should be like this...]
Ibang-iba na ang itsura nito ngayon. Dati ay masyadong tradisyonal ang disenyo maging ang mga gamit na nandito.
Kulang din mostly ang narrations sa visuals. There are parts na may enough indicated visuals but most are none or lacking. Gamit ang parehong example sa itaas, acceptable naman itong description since may idea naman na ang mga readers kung ano ang tradisyonal at hindi. However, if you want them to imagine the world inside your story better, then you should provide more details as to what the surroundings look like.
For instance, you could describe the color of the house (interior), the position of things, the floor, the design of each item, anything that the eyes can observe and notice. Sometimes you can also add the smell, if there's any. That's for both the previous and the present visual of the house.
