Parade of Bones
By: ankuleet
Fantasy
English
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
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Overall rating: 8/10
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*Title
Love it! Intriguing enough💛
*Cover
Para bang sumisigaw na "I'm a good book. Read me." 💛 However, masyadong maliit at manipis ang fonts aside from the title. Can't read them much. Palitan mo siguro ng medyo mas makapal na font.
*Description
Excellent! Sufficient ang information para ma-hook ang readers without revealing too much. Medyo ayusin lang natin nang kaunti...
Destiny favors the bold.
For every generation, the Kingdom of Meera holds a competition. All firstborn children from the twenty noblest witch families are sent to be a novice and fight in the said competition. In the end, twelve shall arise and one shall ascend the throne with the prince.
[Just fixed some word positions and prepositions. Suggested revision lang naman 'yan. Choice mo pa rin kung susundin mo o hindi. You can revise it yourself too.]
*Language & Style
🔹 Love the map!
🔹 Na-confuse ako. The description said the Kingdom of Meera but inside the story, Meera is just the capital of the Kingdom Martel. I think... just use the Kingdom of Martel in the description.
🔹Break-off long chunks of paragraphs into two or three more.
🔹Sentence fragments are also your common grammar mistake. A sentence needs to have a subject and a verb. A fragment often happens after another related idea has been expressed.
Ex:
A kingdom in the brink of war.
A heart so fierce and a will unbroken.
And a darkness, rising.
[You can just remove the period.]
A kingdom in the brink of war
A heart so fierce and a will unbroken
And, darkness rising from an abyss
[I just added some words because my mind says "darkness rising" is lacking. Also, I removed the article "a" because it is inappropriate with the uncountable noun "darkness".]
Ex2:
In the Kingdom of Martel, every generation a competition is held. The Parade of Bones, where the firstborn child of the most prominent and powerful witch clan are summoned to the palace to best each other in a series of trials of magic and wit.
[The second sentence is an incomplete thought and has only an intervening phrase in it. If you can't help but compose another sentence for a phrase, then your paragraph must NOT be in its best structure. Try revising it into other forms of style. I'll edit the paragraph above like this...]
In the Kingdom of Martel, the Parade of Bones is held for every generation. All firstborn children from the most prominent witch clan are summoned to the palace where they have to best each other using magic and wit in a series of trials.
