We're Luckily Inlove
By: ExNightmare
Teen Fiction
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 5/10
*Title
Your title is not special and certainly not unique. It actually sounds boring and if I randomly saw it here in wattpad I won't click read. Take time and ponder about your title.
*Cover
The cover is too bland. Main characters in place with a background, yes. However, its overall impact is weak.
*Description
You did it right naman. You mentioned the main characters and the overview of the conflict. However, there is nothing there that sets your story apart from others. The conflict mentioned is cliche and predictable already.
*Language & Style
In prologue, the choice of words are very simple and common. I've read those statements a lot from other literatures and quotations posted in social medias. It doesn't strike my emotions anymore and I'm pretty sure most readers din.
Nun, yun, dun, ganun, etc. are actually contractions. It should be spelled like: no'n, 'yon, do' n, gano'n, etc.
Hehe, haha, tss, tsk, and any other expressions or sounds should be narrated and not included in the dialogue.
Include translations of dialogues kapag nasa ibang language ito na karamihan ay di nakakaintindi.
For instance,
"Konbanwa everyone, gomen Im late"
It could be...
"Konbanwa, everyone. Gomen, I'm late." [Good evening, everyone. Sorry, I'm late.]
Sobrang generic mo mag-narrate.
For instance,
Maaliwalas tingnan, at kumpleto naman ang mga gamit dito.
How are the readers supposed to know kung paano iyong maaliwalas na sinasabi mo? And paanong kumpleto ang gamit? Magkakaiba ng definition at standard ang bawat tao in that regard. So, para mas ma-imagine nila ang gusto mong iparating na images sa kanila ay describe mo ang details specifically.
Like this,
Puti ang pintura ng condominium. Tumatagos ang sinag ng araw sa mga naglalakihan nitong glass windows. Gray ang kulay ng mahaba niyang sofa, checkered ang carpet sa ilalim nito, at mayroon ding coffee table na mas dark ang pagka-gray. May mga halaman din sa bawat sulok ng living room.
Example lang iyan tho.
Describe what the character see, smell, touch, hear, and taste. Be detailed. It will make your readers imagine the scenario better. Mas madadala mo sila sa mundong binuo mo sa loob ng kwento.
Lagi kang nakakalimot sa punctuations especially commas. Most of the time pagkatapos ng dialogues ay wala kang punctuation and run-on din halos lahat ng sentences mo.
Mismatched din ang mga dialogues and attributions sa paragraph or wala kang attributions at all.
For instance,
"Then sabihin natin na hindi talaga nag-work na sinubukan naman natin yung marriage life pero ayaw talaga sapat na rason na naman yun diba?" hindi ko alam pero parang masama ang kutob ko sa plano niya.
It could be...
"Then, sabihin natin na hindi talaga nag-work. Sinubukan naman natin ang marriage life pero ayaw talaga. Sapat na rason naman na 'yon, di ba?" Explain niya sa akin.
Hindi ko alam pero parang masama ang kutob ko sa plano niya.
Hindi rin maayos ang structure ng mga dialogues. Choice of words are bland and boring.
*Plot/Storyline
The plot is common and predictable. They are two young people who are fixed to be married as their parents decision. They don't like each other in the beginning. However, slowly they will feel attachment which in time will become love. As for this story, I infer that they already have feelings for each other during childhood but they are now in denial of it. They in love-hate relationship. They don't like the idea of their arranged marriage but gradually, they'll be in favor of it despite trying to get away from it in the early chapters.
The more I read your story, the more na nareremind ako sa movie na D'Lucky Ones ni Sandara Park at Joseph Bitangcol.
In fact gustong-gusto ko pa nga iyon kasi maganda ang twist no'n at maganda ang build-up ng lovestory kahit hindi siya heavy drama. Comedy 'yon actually pero na-feel ko talaga do' n iyong galit at hinanakit ni Lucky girl sa pagsisinungaling ni Lucky boy sa kaniya. If hindi mo pa ito napapanuod, you can try and watch it. Observe how it is made.
Lahat naman ng story ay may potential. Kulang pa nga lang siguro sa plano at improvement ang sa iyo. Hindi rin gano'n ka-unique at exciting ang mga scenarios kaya mahina ang impact ng story.
Wala kasi akong napapansing struggle. Parang journey to happy ever after talaga ang kakapuntahan. I know, it is too early for me to judge since di pa kumpleto ang story. Pero kung isa lamang akong reader na nakakita lang ng story na ito randomly, I would have stopped reading na since predicted ko na ang mangyayari. Walang thrill urging me to keep reading and find out what will happen.
They might struggle about their feelings but they'll have happy ending pa rin. But, I doubt I'll sympathize with either of them as their dialogues are not captivating emotionally. Tipong matatamaan talaga. Walang gano'ng effect e.
*Characters
Typical characters. And their dialogues are not that all natural. I don't root for them simply because I can't feel a connection to them.
Overall verdict:
Always remember that proper writing attracts readers. So, do not neglect it. Improve your writing skills by reading a lot of famous writer works. It might be wattpad writers or published books authors. Read and read first and study how they write. Do not be discouraged tho. Instead, improve for the better. Keep writing and Godbless!
***
Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
