The Heartaches of Yesterday
By: Jan_Green
Teen Fiction
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 8.5/10
*Title
The choice of words is not clever enough but it'll do. However, if you have time to ponder about your title, please do so. I'll suggest something too. You may or may not follow it. I suggest "Shattered by Yesterday".
*Cover
I like the blending - figure of a girl and a girl taking a road. However, It made me cringe na sa neck ay parang transparent na lang ito. Sa unang tingin ko ay nagulat ako kasi akala ko putol na ulo😂. Anyways, I suggest na blended na lang rin hanggang ulo niya. I like the quote at the bottom of it tho.
*Description
The conflict is against herself. Interesting! But, I am not satisfied by the sentence structure. Here is my suggestion but it is up to you wether you'll adapt it or you'll just revise your own.
Two roads - one with bright green meadow and another with withered grass. People will choose the first one as it displays happiness and contentment. No one will choose the road with dried and dead grass.
That is what Celestine Diane thinks. She declares herself as the road not chosen. She thinks that people do not like her imperfections; that they are always against her. She thinks that it is best to hide behind a mask to conceal her flaws.
But as her life continues to unfold before her, she will realize that she doesn't wear a mask to hide from the world. She was hiding from her own self. The world is not against her. The only person against her is herself.
People do choose the path with withered grass. Not everyone does, but someone will certainly do.
*Language & Style
I like the aesthetic in characters part and also per chapter. I appreciate it a lot. I love that music playlist ba ang tawag do'n? Napaka effort!
I also like the style of the prologue. The definition style. It's cool. Maayos rin ang narration.
Mayroon lamang akong napansin na kaonting misusage ng punctuations pero baka typographical error lang naman ito. Proofread and edit na lang.
Napaka-effective ng narration! Hindi naging purple prose. Damang-dama ko rin ang pagiging "loss" niya at paghahanap sa sarili. Ramdam ko rin iyong pakiramdam niya na hinuhusgahan siya ng lahat pero ang totoo ay siya lang naman talaga ang nag-iisip nito dahil siya rin mismo ang humuhuga sa sarili niya; siya mismo sa sarili niya ang hindi nakatatanggap sa mga imperfections niya kaya akala niya pati ang iba ay gano'n din ang pananaw sa kaniya. Kudos for that!
Malinis ang pagkakagawa. Though, may konting typographical errors sa spellings. Again, proofread and edit na lang.
However, there are some sentences na kailangan ng revision and/or lacking of more details about the scenario.
For instance,
Binati ako ng mainit na sikat ng araw at ng hindi masyadong sariwang hangin ng lungsod.
Hindi masyadong sariwang hangin? What is that and paano mo iyon nasabi? Describe it. Masangsang ba? Amoy basura ba? Ihalintulad mo sa isang amoy para ma-imagine namin.
One more example,
Gumalaw ang kaniyang labi. Nakakahiya naman kung hindi ko sunggaban ito. Hindi ako dalubhasa rito. Malamang ay mas magaling pa ang mga babaeng dati niyang nakahalikan.
"Celestine," bulong niya. Iniwas ko kasi ang mukha ko. "Anong problema?"
Unahin mong sabihin ang actions niya. Don't just make it a thought or a reason. Pakita mo pa rin kung ano ang nangyayari sa scenario - the reactions. Like this...
Gumalaw ang kaniyang labi at nakapikit na ang kaniyang mga mata habang ako ay nanatiling nakadilat lamang at tila natuod sa kinauupuan.
Hahalikan ko rin ba siya? Nakakahiya kung hindi, ngunit kapag susubukan ko naman ay hindi ko rin alam kung paano.
Hindi man ako dalubhasa rito, pumikit na lamang ako at sinundan ang paggalaw ng labi niya.
Gaano kaya kagaling sa ganitong bagay ang mga babaeng dati niyang nakahalikan? Paano kung hindi niya magustuhan ang halik ko?
Kumunot ang aking noo sa mga katanungang pumasok sa isipan ko at napaiwas ako ng mukha kay Vincent.
"Celestine," bulong niya habang hawak pa rin ang mga pisngi ko. "Anong problema?"
There. Complete thoughts niya as well as kung anong talagang nagaganap sa scenario.
*Plot/Storyline
The theme is so timely and grabe ang atake sis! Straight to the heart (and mind). Maraming marerealize sa story na ito and suitable talaga for teenagers and young adults. Kasi iyong conflict dito ay malapit sa karanasan ng halos lahat ng tao.
Maganda rin ang pagkaka-establish ng storyline. Halatang may planong sinusunod si author. Matibay ang foundation at pinag-isipan na mabuti even the fillers are delicately written.
Pero siguro dahil may pagka slow-paced ito, hindi pa ganoon ka-clear sa'kin ang direction na tinatahak ng kwento. Sometimes, I think may pagka fantasy dahil sa mga dreams niya at sa mysterious guy. But then, maybe it is just her mind playing with her. Afterall, dreams are psychological naman. So ayun, hindi naman ako against sa slow pacing. Just don't stall too much and don't always tell iyong every day life niya. Sometimes make the scenarios thrilling para hindi ma-lose interest ang readers. Kung ihahalintulad ko sa movie ang story na'to, siguro isa itong indie film. Kaya naiintindihan ko naman ang way ng writing nito.
*Characters
Good job! Dinedevelop mo ng maayos ang attributes ng main character.
I love Elise, too. She's a type of friend na kahit supporting e napaka empowering naman. We really need a friend like that.
Vincent is like a typical boyfriend but I like how he is portrayed. Makatotohanan.
Overall verdict:
Malinis ang pagkakagawa at napakalaki ng potential ng plot. Idagdag na rin ang aesthetic per part which I really love and admire. Of course medyo lacking pa rin sa ibang areas but syempre kaya namang i-edit at i-polish iyon. I recommend this lalo na kung feel at lost din kayo at parating iniisip kung anong judgements sa inyo ng ibang tao. Keep it up and Godbless!
***
Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
