A Fate so Entwined
By: Rheasourus
Fantasy/Teen Fiction
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 7/10
Note: Sorry it took me two months but here it is...
*Title
I'm not enticed with the title. Simply because all love stories are entwined by fate naman. I suggest "Crossing Rainbow" or "One Leap of Hue" since the story revolves around a gay turned a woman. Suggestion ko lang tho. You have the right to follow it or not.
*Cover
The essence of the story is evident in the cover but it was not catchy enough. Try a manipulated or blended type of covers.
*Description
It's good as it grasps the conflict/s but not overly reveal them. However, it is not excellent. Ang paggamit ng "sapagkat" ay tama naman ngunit hindi ito bumabagay sa sentence structure. Cringe, kumbaga. Other than that, I think the description will do.
*Language & Style
I have a question. Why does Amelia calls her brother 'Hyung'? They are not Koreans, aren't they? Further chapters also revealed characters calling "oppa", "dongsaeng", etc. Koreans ba sila?
I also wonder why the names of Ravier's classmates are letters. A one or two could have a nickname of a letter but everyone he approached? Iyon ba ang patakaran sa education center?
I suggest... Don't integrate the sound effects in the dialogues. They should be narrated and described.
Kapag chat, I think you should put some effort to edit a picture of it na parang chat talaga or align the first statement in the left and align the character's reponse in the right.
Too many grammatically incorrect sentences and typographical errors.
Kulang sa details at description ng paligid, emotions, etc. Utilize the senses (hear, sight, touch, taste, and smell) to show the scenario.
Ex:
When Revella's feelings to Jaxon faded in an instant, it happened too fast. Of course, it supoosed to be like that since it was the goal. However, you should have narrated what she felt. It was only expressed in one sentence, "The feeling faded away as fast as a rabbit!" It was lacking in every way and it was not a good simile. Actually, hindi rin masyadong na-emphasize ng narration ang sakit na naramdaman niya so most readers won't emphatize when the pain instantly faded.
I suggest research more on what does it feels like to instantly get better. For instance, the beating of the heart, the sensation, calmness, the state of mind, etc. Maximize the use of internet to research on descriptions of feelings, emotions, and details of the surrounding.
Separate chunks of paragraphs into two or three more paragraphs. It is tiring for readers to continously read a block of long paragraphs. It is more pleasing to the eyes to have multiple short ones (but not very short, of course).
Pacing is inconsistent. Wala naman masyadong major na nangyari sa Kabanata 1-6 other than the instant fading of Revella's feelings to Jaxon. No date specified. Then nag-jump na kaagad sa 4 months later ang story sa Kabanta 7. Within also the chapter, nag-specify ang author ng date for the scenario. If gusto talaga na may date ang mga pangyayari, simula pa lang ay dapat nai-apply na ito. The timeline should be clearly established.
Early chapters are not that relevant. There's too much filler. Filler is not bad naman. It helps the story goes on. However, yours are too long and not interesting since they focus more on normal days of school. And then, fast forward to certain days.
*Plot/Storyline
I like that it empowers LGBT. Siguro hindi lang ako masyadong nadala sa mga dramatic scenario. I felt lack of connection sa story. Perhaps it is because kahit mahaba ang kwento at nabigyang spotlight naman ang mga character, hindi ko maramdaman na totoo ang mga emosyon at feelings nila. Even the claims that Paolo loves Ravi in the end part. I still feel na parang masyado na lang itong ipinilit para magkaroon ng spice ang story.
Ravi being a real woman in the end doesn't satisfy the goal of the story to empower the LGBT community tho. Why? Kasi kahit na tanggap niya siya at ng mga tao sa paligid niya, Ravi being pregnant in the end kind of symbolizes that she still has to be a real woman para lang maging happy ending ito. Even if there's this fantasy na nagpabago sa kaniya, I still think that it doesn't align. If it really is to empower, I would have prefer that Ravi went back to being a gay in the end; he would have married JC sa isang bansa na legal ang same sex marriage. Kasi mas may impact yun in a sense of "pagtanggap". Even if he wished to be a girl and it lasted, he would have chosen to go back to his own self in the end because that's who he is. Ipagpalagay na pinili naman niya na maging transwoman, as far as I know and Google says so, hindi pa possible na mabuntis ang transwoman.
Gumamit ka rin ng "ciswoman" na term. I did my research and it said that a ciswoman means that a person was born as female and also identifies her own gender as a woman. Kumbaga, straight. But as far as I know, Ravi is born male, a gay, and then becomes the girl, Naomi, because of a wish.
Correct me if I'm wrong ha. This is purely my own perception and understanding sa story. Feel free to defend and correct me if you want since this is your own work and you have your own ideas and meaning sa story na ito.
*Characters
I love that Ravier's aunt portrays the toxic mentality that most Filipino relatives have. It was well-executed. I just hope that this story showcased more of that culture towards LGBT instead of making it as a filler part as it never repeated and the succeeding chapters focused more on other characters.
I noticed na ang daming characters and you gave all of them their own POV. Yes, mas nakikilala at mas nalalapit sila sa readers sa ganitong paraan. But in my opinion, this type of style eliminates the mysterious effect of the whole story and it confuses the readers, somehow. Bago pa lang nai-establish ang main character, ang kasunod na chapter ay ibang character na. Paiba-iba sila. Mas maganda kung established muna ang main. And if ipapasok ang ibang POV ng ibang character, mas mainam kung relevant ito sa plot instead na isa lamang itong filler o iyong mga happenings na nangyayari sa school nila. Masyadong mahina ang impact.
Furthermore, their character differences to each other is not evident even if they have different POVs. Perhaps you thought that since they have different roles and gender in a story, a little change of how they speak or whom they are with differentiate them from one another. But they are much alike on how they narrate, think, and act as a whole since they are numerous and not established enough. Maintaining differences are harder to show as the story goes on.
Amelia is also introduced in the very beginning but the story took a lot of chapters before she showed up again. Ang dami ng nakilalang ibang character bago pa siya nag show-up. Probably she's not that remembered na.
Overall verdict:
Not really satisfied even if marami siyang twist. It feels like the author focused more on that than the impact of the story and the reading experience. Keep writing tho. Do not be discouraged sa kahit anong sinabi ko. Instead, use it to improve more. Keep writing, more power, and Godbless!
***
Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
