Taste of Reality
By: jaxsonjayson
Romance
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 7.5/10
*Title
Okay naman siya. Hindi siya gano'n ka-unique pero sakto lang siya. Hindi sobrang appealing pero suited naman sa theme ng story. If you want to change it into something better, pwede naman. But in my opinion, your title is just fine. Hindi pa nga lang nasasagot kung bakit iyon ang title ng story since iisang chapter pa lang ang mayroon ito.
*Cover
Your editor did a good job! Simple but presentable ang cover. Maaaring hindi siya appealing sa lahat pero enough na ito para makuha ang attention ng intended readers or audience ng author. But I suggest na naka doctor's coat ang lalaki sa picture while iyong babae ay naka suot ng hospital gown. Para damang dama na kaagad.
*Description
Not enough information. There's a phrase and names of main characters. However in description, most author put an overview of the storyline/plot using atleast a paragraph. Di naman kailangan habaan. Short but precise will do. But please, not just a phrase. Also, do not reveal too much.
I want to suggest sana kaya lang iisang chapter pa lang naman ang published so ikaw na lang. I noticed naman na you're kind of good in English Language so you can play the words.
*Language & Style
I like the aesthetic photos you used in the first part of your story. Kudos for that!
Usage of there and their:
There is an adverb meaning that place, but it is also used as a pronoun introducing a clause or sentence. Their is a possessive pronoun and it is used to show ownership of a thing or concept.
The use of Interrobang (?!) is grammatically incorrect although many people seem to use it. Just use question mark then, just narrate the intensity of the tone.
I noticed that the effect of your dialogues is weak. I am not swayed by it. Also, you resort on telling rather than showing.
For example,
He act like he didn't know it.
You don't tell the readers that. You make them realize and feel that. How? By the dialogues, actions, nonverbal signs, facial expression, movement of eyes and lips. I'm saying, describe your characters observation of the other person para masabi niya na, for example nga, ay nag-aact innocent lang ito.
Lastly, I suggest you use past tense in verbs.
*Plot/Storyline
Although hindi na bago ang plot na may sakit ang isa sa bida, I like the fact that the other main lead is a doctor. A good twist.
According sa iisang chapter na naka-publish, I infer that they have a past together.
Okay lang naman iyon. Pero siguro, mas unique kung ang love story nila ay magsisimula mismo sa hospital lang. Doctor and patient relationship lang talaga sa simula.
Then, make every scenario with them memorable. Tipong mapapaniwala talaga ang readers na possible na mainlove ang doctor sa pasyente niya.
Para iyong atake ng tragic ending e sobrang sakit din (I expect na hindi ito happy ending given the mood of the story). Kasi sobrang unexpected talaga ng story nila. Sinong magaakala na sa pacheck up check up at pag confine mo sa hospital e maiinlove ka sa doctor mo diba?
Mas may appeal sa akin 'yon kaysa sa fact na may past story na sa kanila. Kasi, it makes the succeeding events predictable. While kapag simple doctor-patient relationship lang talaga, nakaka curious kung paano sila maiinlove sa isa't isa.
*Characters
I like the fact na nag research ka about hematologist and other factors in the hospital. It made the character more believable. Keep it up! Make your characters always realistic.
Overall verdict:
May potential ito. 2 parts pa lang pero almost 500 reads na. Meaning, nakakuha ka ng maraming intention. Ituloy mo ito at siguradong maraming susuporta sa'yo. And always remember, proper writing attracts readers. Goodluck and Godbless! Also, keep up the good work!
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Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
