Famous for Nothing
By: guardianlovers
Teen Fiction
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 7/10
Note: Sorry it took me two months before I got to read your book, but here it is...
*Title
It is simple yet has an appeal. If you want to improve it, you can but in my opinion, the current one perfectly fits already.
*Cover
It suits the story. However, it lacks the appealing factor.
*Description
Short but precise and well-written. Two sentences lang pero andon na iyong sense at dapat malaman ng readers. Kudos for that.
*Language & Style
I love the band's name, Empty. It kind of signifies something. Might be what Janus feels overall.
I spotted numerous grammatically incorrect sentences and/or typographical errors. Such as:
- using "the" instead of "he"
- using "instance" instead of "instant"
- nakakatawa should be nakatatawa. In Filipino, what we repeat is the first syllable of the root word.
- She's wont come.
- Ang babaeng nagbalik nang sigla sa buhay niyang walang madilim.
- Smarphone
- Strunggles
- easyly
- Meron
- "Becaude if He offer us choices, my mother did not die in a car accident." [The usage of "did not" is incorrect.]
- utang instead of utak
- "Hope in" instead of Hop in
Iilan lang yan, marami pang iba. I apologize for pointing them specifically like that but I find them bothersome while reading. If the errors are minimal, I might not even notice them or even if I do, it won't affect the reading experience. Proofread and edit na lang po.
The narration is fine tho. It is better than many other teen fiction out there. The structure has a potential. I just felt it as too stiff. Medyo void sa emotions iyong narration for a teen fic.
I suggest that you should not write the sound such as Bwahahaha, pfft. Rather, narrate it. Just say he/she laughed, then describe the sound that the character emitted, instead of actually writing the sound effect. Always leave something that the readers will imagine themselves.
I suggest use past tense of the verb especially when using English in narration.
You also don't often put attributions after dialogues. Mahalaga ito para malaman kung sino ang nagsasalita especially kapag more than two persons ang nasa scenario. Kapag magkasunod na dialogue and may attribution ang nauna pagkatapos wala ang kasunod, it will give the confusion that they the speaker is the same as the first even if it isn't.
*Plot/Storyline
When Janus stared at Kara while they are performing for the talent search, I find it unrealistic. Of course, nakapanuod na rin ako ng movies at nakabasa ng books na ganoon ang eksena. But, sa dami ng tao doon (actually hindi pa nga nabanggit ang situation sa venue ng talent search, kung marami bang tao, maingay, or what) ay talagang siya pa ang nakita nito at tinitigan pa na parang alam niya na dadaan siya o kung saan siya nakatayo. If she's too near to the stage, then it is plausible to stare like that. But since she just passed by, it means that she is far from the stage or there is an observable distance between her and the stage. You did not specify the scale of her distance too, by the way. Will the vocalist notice her more than those people near the stage? Plus, she described his eyes in that stare. Again, if she just passed by, how could she tell that his stare is intense? And how can she be so sure that she is the one he is staring at? They are far away from each other. I get that you intend to make a romantic scenario out of it but let's be close to reality than our fantasies of how first encounters should be.
The bus scenario afterwards is more possible than the love-at-first sight kind of encounter tho.
Next is amnesia. I think this is just too cliche. Don't you think?
The succeeding scenarios of their encounters, tho they have been utilized in many other stories, came out just fine and reasonable. It's teen fic so yeah, events like tutor thing, survey, etc. made sense.
I also like that the story is gradual. Maayos ang pagkakasunod ng mga detalye at daloy nito. The unraveling of the secrets from their past is well-written
What I like in your plot is hindi ito naka-align sa lovestory lang. There are other issues like the pressure of being an achiever. Such problems are timely and finely addressed in the story.
*Characters
Haidee and Steffy, despite being introduced in earlier chapters with antagonist potential, did not appear much in the story. Parang filler characters lang sila.
I think, if the story revolves mostly sa banda and the people in the past, might as well introduced na sila simula pa lang instead of using filler characters to build the foundation of the main character. Madami kang characters kaya para magdagdag ng mga characters na hindi naman ganoon kalaki ang impact sa story at kalaunan ay malilimutan na rin ng readers ay hindi kaaya-aya.
Dialogues are too serious and scripted. The setting is school. But their words is too structured na para bang adults na sila. They are teenagers. Although ang iba ay mature mag-isip sa ganoong edad, I still find most of it unfit for their age.
Overall verdict:
It is a teen fic but it felt more like a romance because of the tone that the story conveys as a whole. It is a good read tho. Technical errors are prominent but they could be solved by editing. Keep up the good work and continue writing! Godbless!
***
Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
