Just One Drop
By: MissBluePen
Fantasy
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 8/10
Note: Sorry it took me two months but here it is...
*Title
Intriguing! Hindi siya peculiar words pero ando'n na 'yong essence ng story mismo. Catchy din naman siya. Add to Library kaagad'to!
*Cover
I'm enticed! It's pretty 😍
*Description
Excellent! Bothered lang ako do'n sa nakalagay na "(FILIPINO)" and then pure English naman iyong description. Perhaps it means Filipino language iyong story. Even so, I think inappropriate na may nakalagay na Filipino sa parenthesis. I suggest to remove it.
By reading the description, I imagine the story as a "Wansapanataym" segment specifically Candy's Crush starring Loisa Andalio and Jerome Ponce. Nevertheless, it made me excited!
*Language & Style
Since Epilogue ang ginamit mo sa ending, I think dapat Prologue na lang din sa una kaysa "Intro." Plus, scenario naman ang intro mo so, hindi talaga siya sumusunod sa definition ng intro.
Minimal typographical errors like nito instead of ito. They don't affect the reading experience tho.
By the way, "anyways" is incorrect. It should just be "anyway."
Also, use comma kapag ang kasunod ng dialogue ay mga attribution katulad ng "he said", "ani Maurice", "sagot niya," etc. However, kapag description ng kilos o observation ang kasunod, use period.
Ex:
"Oh, come one. You want Ross, Maurice," sa puntong ito hindi na ito isang tanong.
It should be...
"Oh come on. You want Ross, Maurice." Hindi na ito isang tanong.
Or
"Oh come on. You want Ross, Maurice," bigkas niya. Hindi na ito isang tanong. Sigurado siya sa kaniyang sinabi.
Your style of writing is not special . What I like about it is that even if it only utilized simple words, you don't fail to express the world you built inside the story. It's not detailed enough yet it suffices the reader's need to imagine the scenario and relate and/or symphatize with the characters.
Of course, there are instances pa rin that it felt a little bit off and kind of forced.
Ex:
"You have to believe me." In an instant parang gusto ko kaagad maniwala. Her words got me at hindi ko maipaliwanag kung paano iyon nangyari.
It's too sudden. Napa-"ha?" na lang ako. You shoud have described the tone atleast. The eyes - how it speaks or conveys the hypnotic type to convince her, if ever. Describe what the character is feeling habang nacoconvince na siya. Magical ba? Para bang may force na tumutuak sa kaniya? Things like that.
There are also instances that it lacks details and vague.
Ex:
Pagkabasa niya noon ay agad siyang tumayo at sumenyas na hahanapin niya ito.
Paano ung senyas na hahanapin niya siya? Did he look? Did he point his finger? Did he mouthed some words? What? It's too broad and vague to be imagined.
