Tale of Luna
By: hemmoraged
Adventure/Fantasy
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Legend:
🏅 - 👍 or ❤️
💤 - 👎
🏳️ - suggestions or corrections
Overall Rating: 6/10
*TITLE
💤Ordinary
🏳️Pick atleast a unique name for your heroine, and try playing with words. Or, don't use her name in the title. Brainstorm with something else that enhances the whole theme not just the protagonist. Then, consider crafting two meaning for your title - one that is obvious or literal and another that readers would only realize after they finish the story. Some of my suggestions are: "Blindsight" (because it means the ability of blind people to respond to visual stimuli that they do not consciously see and perhaps you could justify it inside the story using her gift or the conflict itself); "[A]Sightless Glimpse" (an oxymoron which you could justify in a similar way as my first suggestion); and, "Fleeting Saga" (If you really want a title related to "tale"). You may use any of these or you could also brainstorm your own. Just remember to put a lot of effort in selecting your title as you would in writing the content of your story.
*COVER
🏅It's okay but I'm not charmed. Maybe, it has to do with my preference.
🏳️You can, however, improve it by tilting the background to a darker color and adding a spice of fantastical elements (e.g. glow, wind, burning arrows).
*DESCRIPTION
🏅First paragraph is fine. In fact, it captured my interest.
💤I understand that the one liners after the first paragraph aim to hook, but they rather sabotage (sorry for the term) the whole description. It became lame. It is because "hook" does not equate to "questions." Sometimes it works, but not in yours.
🏳️ Instead of trying to excite (which clearly didn't), you should opt to a style which utilizes one or two short paragraphs but contains more depth. Below is the blurb of The Darkest Minds by Alexandra Bracken (2012):
"When Ruby wakes up on her tenth birthday, something about her has changed. Something alarming enough to make her parents lock her in the garage and call the police. Something that gets her sent to Thurmond, a brutal government "rehabilitation camp." She might have survived the mysterious disease that's killed most of America's children, but she and the others have emerged with something far worse: frightening abilities they cannot control.
Now sixteen, Ruby is one of the dangerous ones. When the truth comes out, Ruby barely escapes Thurmond with her life. Now she's on the run, desperate to find the one safe haven left for kids like her—East River. She joins a group of kids who escaped their own camp. Liam, their brave leader, is falling hard for Ruby. But no matter how much she aches for him, Ruby can't risk getting close. Not after what happened to her parents. When they arrive at East River, nothing is as it seems, least of all its mysterious leader.
