Malditang GF
By: MateoJaime19
Romance
Taglish
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 6/10
*Title
It's not really splendid but it'll do. Your targeted readers will be enticed by this title.
*Cover
It will be more appealing if si malditang GF ang naka-emphasize sa cover. Also, ang gamitin mo sanang graphic/picture is 'yong nagpapakita na maldita talaga siya. Perhaps, makikita kaagad sa facial expression niya. Gano'n. O kaya, iyong may pasa si Ice or sinasaktan siya physically ni Briendyll.
*Description
Wala akong nabasa na kakaiba sa story na'to sa description. Maybe you'll say it is malditang GF herself. But, anong sense no'n if they are happy couple naman pala? Provide overview of the conflict. Of course, don't overdo it. Just enough to catch attention. Perhaps, include mo iyong magiging problema sa pagiging maldita niya. Masasakal ba si boy, or what?
*Language & Style
Oh by the way, I'm referring to Briendyll. May Gf/live in partner.
Daig pa ang pulis kung maka-implement ng curfew ang babaeng 'to.
Instead of writing it like that, why not just call her name and shout it in his mind?
Briendyll!
Daig pa ang pulis kung maka-implement ng curfew ang babaeng 'to.
Mas may impact na siya kaagad kaysa kausapin mo panandalian ang readers.
Also, parati kang kulang sa comma.
For instance,
"Hi baby." - - - - > "Hi, baby."
"Hi Ice." - - - - > "Hi, Ice."
Interrobang (?!) is grammatically incorrect. Just use question mark. Halata naman sa scenario ang intensity ng dialogue atsaka sinasabi mo naman sa attribution kung paano ito sinasabi so wag na dagdagan ng exclamation point. Understood na iyon.
Dun, yun, ganun, nun, etc are wrong. They are supposed to be contractions such as do'n, 'yon, gano' n, no'n, etc.
Huwag mo rin pagsamahin sa iisang paragraph ang dialogue ng isang tao at ang expression/reaction/thoughts ng isa pa. Isang tao, isang paragraph lang.
Ex:
"SEE ME AT MY OFFICE TOMORROW MR. REYES!" Hindi ko na pinansin ang sigaw ng prof sa'kin dahil tumakbo na ako papalabas ng room!
Instead...
"SEE YOU AT MY OFFICE TOMORROW MR. REYES!" Sigaw ng prof ko.
Pero, hindi ko ito pinansin at kumaripas na ako ng takbo palabas ng room.
Also, don't express too much in your dialogue using excessive letters para mapakita ang intensity ng tone.
Ex:
