The Etiquette of Smoking

Head in the Clouds

I woke up the next morning feeling better. My headache was gone and I had finally gotten the full rest I needed after a spotty sleeping schedule the last couple of days.

I took a shower; spending more time than necessary just letting the scorching water soak through my hair. The heat actually helped my sore muscles a little. I noticed small, finger print sized, red spots on my arms and shoulders. They were tender to the touch and would undoubtedly turn purple in the next day or two. I sighed, staring at the tile in the shower.

At least he knew better than to leave marks on my neck or face where I'd have a harder time explaining them. I'd just have to wear long sleeves for a couple days. The thought was upsetting for many reasons, but mostly because we were due for a heat wave this week and I was not looking forward to wearing long sleeves through it.

I'd come to discover that Gavin had not been home that night, not that I minded. So, I spent the majority of the morning and afternoon trying to pull myself and the apartment together. I cleaned up the empty cans from the living room floor, moped up the spilt liquor, did the laundry and the dishes. I texted Ethan to ask for one more day off and he graciously granted me the time without question. I needed just one more day to straighten myself out and then I'd be okay. I always was. Besides, I was still unsure of the position Gavin was in with allowing me to work at 88. He'd said I wouldn't be going back, but he could usually be convinced after a day or two.

I had texted my friends sometime after lunch. I had debated all morning what to say; how to explain where I was yesterday or why I wasn't answering my phone, so I just took the easy way out and texted the group chat to say that I had fallen asleep and my phone died. Then I apologized for worrying anyone and promised to be in touch. I don't think I fooled Joji or Niki, though. They both sent me separate texts asking if I was okay and if they could see me, which I denied and told them I'd simply see them at work.

Gavin came home that night as I was curled up in bed, staring at the setting sun outside the window. The bedroom door creaked quietly as he emerged from the other side. His eyes met mine before averting to the floor.

"Oliva, I..." He whispered. This is how it went every single time. I should have been tired; I should have been unwilling to forgive after countless the apologies and promises he's betrayed. Yet, as he sided up to my bedside and took my hand, I looked into the eyes of the boy I once loved. I'm an idiot.

"I'm so sorry honey. I shouldn't have said what I said or did what I did. It's just, you know, my anger and the alcohol, I can't-...you know I love you, right?" He pulled my hand to clutch between both of his and I felt nothing. I said nothing, but he took it as acceptance and curled in bed beside me. Like the vacuum of space, the air was sucked out of the room we were in, but he ignored it and began talking to me about movies and work. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

══════

The next morning Niki texted me with an offer to bring me lunch but I declined. I spent the entire morning in bed, sometimes staring at the wall and occasionally scrolling through my phone.

I was growing tired of feeling sorry for myself so I swore off crying as a first step. I just needed to shake the humiliation that constantly lingered in my thoughts. The bruises on my body were already fading so at least the next time I saw my friends they would be barely visible. Some makeup should be enough to completely hide them.

I pulled the covers up over my shoulders and was about to take my 3rd nap today when my phone vibrated under my pillow.

Joji: Hi

I sighed and locked the phone again, closing my eyes and hoping sleep would find me soon. My dreams had been a mixed bag the last couple of nights. Sometimes they were reworked versions of my memories, making me relive nights I buried deep down and forcing me awake in a cold sweat and tears. And other times they were good. Occasionally I had dreams of gossiping with Niki, laughing at Max and Chad's name calling, and chatting with Ian at the bar. Whenever they spoke in my dreams it was always gibberish. That's how I knew I was dreaming and the second I realized it, I would wake up. Last night was the worst...or best dream I'd ever had. Sitting on the rooftop with Joji. He was talking to me about something that I couldn't remember as clouds moved unnaturally fast in the pink sky above us. I wanted to stay there forever and listen to his voice... his jokes...stare at his eyes when they crinkled in the corners as he laughed.