The Etiquette of Smoking

Pull Me Under

Early Friday morning I met with an advisor at my chosen school and signed up for second half of the fall semester starting mid-November. Classes were broken down into 10 week periods per semester so although I'd missed enrollment for the first half, I still had time for the second which would be starting in the two weeks. As exciting as it was, it was equally as nerve wracking. Getting your shit together has a way of making you feel good and bad at the same time. Yes, I was going back to school like I'd always wanted but on the other hand, the anger and guilt associated with letting myself fall behind rose in the background.

I battled those emotions and every other one that rose up this week in therapy.

I realized not long after breaking the exciting news to Niki in the car that I would not be present for Joji's reaction to it. That killed me inside and I did cry about it in bed that night. As promised, Sean called Niki to begin planning a makeup audition and while I was ecstatic for her, I only wished I could be with Joji during his call. I'd been sitting on the couch with her when her phone lit up not long after the call with Sean and her called ID read 'George Miller'.

That sucked too.

She'd glanced at me and gave a sympathetic smile before carrying her phone to her room with her and closing the door. All she told me afterward is that he was happy. I gave a halfhearted smile in an attempt to seem okay but my arms moved to wrap themselves around my body without me even noticing and sold me out.

But... anyway...

The same day as my meeting, Friday, at 10am I met with Kevin. I told him about my success with Sean and school. As silly as it was, having someone to tell other than Niki was kind of nice. Kevin cared, of course, since it was his job and praised me for my hard work. I didn't care so much about his approval so much as I did about his notes on my achievements that would be handed over to the doctor along with his recommendation that I could see George and be finished with therapy.

"Does George know you were behind it?" He asked as he sat across me in his usual spot. I shook my head.

"I don't know but I doubt it." I shrugged, leaning into the arm of the couch. "I don't care for him to know it was me anyway, all that matters is that he got a second chance. I'm hoping the distance between us right now helps him focus, if anything."

Kevin nodded, raising an eyebrow and scribbling notes onto his clipboard.

"That's interesting. Are you accepting the distance as a positive right now?" He questioned as he dropped his pen in exchange for his cup of tea. I sighed, staring at the cliffside photo behind him.

"I know what you want to hear but I don't want to give it to you so I'm gonna say no."

"That's fine, I already know the answer." He retorted, setting the cup back down after taking a cautious sip of the steaming liquid. I nodded, letting him humor himself so long as I didn't have to admit to the fact that I did recognize the positives of distance. There weren't many and if I could, I'd end it right now, but for the moment, it was okay. Giving Joji peace to work on his music and ready himself for the audition is probably the only thing I can give him right now, and that didn't make me feel so bad. No one would be there to ruin his chances again.

"Do you want to keep going with the rest of your tribulations?" Kevin asked quietly, knowing full well I didn't. I groaned, pulling the sleeves of my sweatshirt over my fists and wrapping my arounds around my body.

"No." I frowned. I could easily avoid this today if I really wanted to, but it only meant putting off the inevitable and that I was not okay with. He waited patiently, giving me time to think before giving him my real answer.