The Etiquette of Smoking

Love, George

A fat stack of envelopes hit my thighs as I sat on the couch in the living room, drinking some hot lemon water Niki made me that tasted absolutely dreadful. I looked at the envelopes that had my name scrawled messily across each one and up at Niki's towering form in front of me.

"What's this?" I asked curiously before setting my cup down on the coffee table. She side stepped out of my way and back around the couch toward the front door.

"George's letters." She answered quizzically before grabbing her keys off the hook and stepping out of the apartment. My eyes widened at the door where she stood a second ago. The sound of the key turning in the lock and retreading footsteps told me she was trusting me with whatever the letters contained. Perhaps she figured after last night that I needed George in any way I could have him right now and that's why she finally allowed me to have them. Either way, I was forever grateful to her... for everything.

I pulled myself up, taking the stack in my hands and jogging to my bedroom. I opened the curtains, letting in the morning light to aid me before curling up in the chair beside my window. I crossed my legs beneath me and balanced the letters on my thigh. My fingers skimmed his chicken scratch handwriting across the surface of the envelope. Despite being barely legible, I immediately adored the way he wrote my name.

I carefully thumbed through the letters, trying to decide where to start. There were no dates on the outside, but surely the first letter would be the very bottom one, right?

I pulled it out and flipped it around, carefully nudging my index finger under the flap of the envelope and scooting it across, breaking the seal.

My anticipation created an odd mixture of butterflies and anxiety in my belly, just like it feels to be near him. I grinned when the task was finished and I could finally pluck the folded paper out from inside.

I hunched over inadvertently, unfolding the paper under the light of the sun so I could read it.

Liv I dont really know what to say

Im so sorry  

I don't know..

I didn't realize..

I fucked up and I am so fucking sorry. I will do anything to make it up to you if you'll let me. I love you so much, I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

-George

My hand that held the paper trembled as a wave of grief washed over me again. I bit back a sob, digging my top teeth into my bottom lip as hard as I could to stop the cry I wanted to release.

He thought it was his fault.

Hot tears slipped down my face and my body shook with contained whimpers. I closed my eyes and dropped my head, allowed the emotion to overcome me.

That's okay, you're allowed to feel sad. Process the emotion, feel it, surmount it. I could practically hear Kevin's voice in my head, coaching me through this. I let out a laugh through the tears at my own stupidity.

I wiped the tears away after a little while and sniffled. Gotta be tough, you can do this.

Next letter.

I gently set the first one down on the small table beside me and opened the second letter from the bottom that, if placed in order, should be the next letter he wrote me.

I guess I'm not allowed to see you. Ians being really serious about all this but wont tell me why. No one will tell me anything. Im sorry I shouldn't even be bitching with all youre probably going through right now. I hope these letters are getting to you, Ian said he'd pass them on to Niki but we'll see I guess.