The Etiquette of Smoking

Last Night Was the Last Time

"No!" I screamed, shooting up in bed in a cold sweat. It was still dark in my room with the small exception of the dim orange glow from the streetlights outside. My chest heaved, trying to keep up with the rapid pace of my heart that was squeezing painfully in my ribcage.

"Fuck." I breathed shakily. Another nightmare plagued my dreams after a day of reliving the worst experiences of my life with Kevin. Talking about it was bad enough, but seeing the living images again was like being trapped in a never ending loop. I couldn't break out of the nightmares on my own and was forced to let them play out.

I sniffed as I caught my breath and wiped at my forehead with the sleeve of my shirt. A soft gust of night air blew into the room from the open window. The entire room was on the colder side, yet my bed and body were sweltering. Beside me sat my favorite letters so far, the ones with words I'd committed to memory. I moved the ones I accidentally slept on so as to not further ruin them and set them on my nightstand.

I huffed while I pulled myself out of bed. My hair and the back of my neck that were wet with sweat instantly cooled, making me shiver.

The sill of the window slid shut beneath my fingers, sealing the air in the room. One deep breath, inhale and exhale to calm myself.

It was all a part of the process and I knew that but fuck if it didn't suck. Like cleansing all the toxins from my body, it was a slow and painful development.

His face was slowly being purged from my mind with each passing day. I knew it would take more time, maybe years, but the slightly distorted facial features of the figure in my dreams gave me some hope. I might never be rid of the permanent damage done to me but I could look forward to the healing process that would bring some numbness to it.

"Did you have another one?" Niki asked me at breakfast that morning. We sat at the dining table after preparing breakfast together. I made the pancakes while she cut some fruit and mixed some oatmeal. I wasn't hungry, and as expected, she caught on when I stabbed at the food instead of actually eating it.

I nodded. My cheek rested on my fist, holding my head up on the table. This morning I looked in the mirror and noticed the deepening of the bags beneath my eyes. The fact I hadn't gotten decent sleep in a while was clearly visible on my face.

"I'm sorry. Do you want to try those melatonin pills I bought?" She offered sweetly but I shook my head no. Melatonin, while effective, only sent me into a deeper sleep that became more difficult to wake from. My only saving grace right now was that I could at least wake up halfway through the night to recover. I didn't want to have to suffer through the entire night.

"Getting to sleep isn't the issue. I just need to get through this, I know it won't last forever."

"I know but it's still hard to watch you go through. Try some chamomile before bed." She replied, cutting a corner of her pancake with her fork and bringing it to her mouth.

"Kay." I stared at the plate in front of me, feeling my stomach rumble with hunger but feeling absolutely no desire to eat.

The only sounds in the room came from the clinking of forks against plates and glasses being set down on the table. It wasn't uncomfortable but the nudging feeling inside me bothered me to no end. I sighed quietly.

"I feel weak," I confessed, allowing the growing discomfort inside me to be vocalized. "Going to therapy and stuck on pills."

My head dropped to the table on front of my plate and I closed my eyes. I was embarrassed to admit how I was feeling even though I knew Niki would be nothing but supportive.

"It's not weak to seek help, Liv." She said gently, reaching out to rub my head in a display of affection. I groaned.

"It's never going to end. I'll be doing this forever."

"Listen," she called my attention so I lifted my head to gaze at her. "You're doing great right now. I've seen a major change so far and it hasn't even been very long. The way you talk about yourself, the way you carry yourself... it's all very different from the Olivia I first met. I know you can't see it now, but you will someday. And look, sometimes people need to go to therapy for a while but there's nothing wrong with that."

I was tired. Just so tired. I replied to her through a single nod of my head and looked away.

"You are very self-less, Liv. You're always thinking about someone else first and yeah sometimes you go about things a little backwards but hey, your intention is good. You're my sister and I love you. I promise you will be okay." Niki added seriously. Her nails tapped at the dining table with every important point she wanted to make sure I understood.

"Thanks Nik, that means a lot, genuinely." My hand slid under my chin again, holding my head up. She snorted a laugh and resumed her meal before her eyes went wide and she looked at me.

"Oh! So, Sean called and told me he found some new investors. Some old buddies of his or something? Anyway, they're working on rescheduling a new audition for next week." Niki announced excitedly. I watched her with renewed interest.

"Really? That's great." I offered her the best smile I could muster and she returned it.

"Yep! I'm so excited. I don't know if I should perform the same song or not though..." She trailed off, lost in thought. The first question that popped into my head lingered, waiting for me to vocalize it but I couldn't.

Can I come?

I already knew the answer, but a little piece of me hoped since she'd loosened up with the letters that she'd say yes. Still, I wouldn't pressure her into providing an answer right now and make breakfast awkward. She simply wanted to follow the doctor's orders and provide the best for me.

I wonder if George would perform the same song as last time too. Maybe something I haven't heard before... Would he be expecting me there? Would my presence throw him off too much and ruin his performance?

Probably.

Maybe it is better if I didn't go. I want the best possible opportunity for George and Niki to succeed and their second chance audition was definitely not the place for a reunion.

Damn.

We finished our breakfast and cleaned up together. I tried to eat a little, choosing mostly fruit since it would sit light in my belly, and packed the rest away in Tupperware for later.

At ten, we met with Kevin for my appointment. I told him about my latest dream and we discussed ways to cope with them but the entire time I felt somber knowing I would surely be experiencing another one tonight.

Niki offered to take me to lunch in the city but I declined. I just wanted to go home and lie down. The exhaustion I felt mentally and physically was overwhelming. I had no energy. I think she understood that because she didn't push it.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, resting lightly and taking small naps that I refused to let fall into anything deeper. Niki woke me when she was on her way to work, wishing me well, and telling me something about dinner in the fridge.

When she left, I got out of bed and spent some time outside on the fire escape with myself and the cigarettes. I lit one and set it down beside me, just basking in its cancerous smoke that brought me comfort. I stretched my bare legs out in front of me and thought about the rooftop at Joji's apartment. I wish I could be there right now with him.

Music from my earbuds drowned out the loud ambiance of the city below me, allowing me to create a world of my own. I closed my eyes and let the music distract me. The stench of the smoke wafted up to my nose and for a little while it felt like he was here with me.