The Etiquette of Smoking

Joji's Garden

"You're so fucking insecure, Olivia, she's a friend and we were just messing around."

"I think you're overreacting a little bit, honestly."

"You've made it so hard to be around you and it's been a while since we.... "

"Okay it only happened once, I swear, and it meant nothing."

"I promise you it will never happen again; I made a mistake."

"Please honey, I'm sorry. I've been so stressed."

Snippets of my conversation with Gavin rang through my head all day no matter how desperately I tried not to think about it. It was nothing but crap anyway, and I had much more to look forward to but it didn't take away the sting. George asked me how I was feeling when I woke up in his arms this morning but I simply shrugged. I wasn't feeling great, but I couldn't bring myself to burden him further by talking about Gavin, so I let it fall to the wayside and simply went on with my day.

Gavin called all night and all morning, even going as far as to come here and stand outside for me to talk to him. In an effort to maintain the peace, I obliged... a little, and stood behind the locked apartment door while Gavin expressed his regrets. I barely spoke.

He screwed someone but I kissed George, so really, how much of a right did I have to be upset? I'm sure if I asked Niki she'd tell me the two were incomparable but she's biased. I think the hurt I felt was fine, but I couldn't stand there and be angry at Gavin.

When he had his fill, he eventually left with promises of proving himself and making things right. I should have ended things right there but I'm a goddamn coward.

So, I spent the afternoon with the boys, playing video games, watching television and being brought to tears when Ian and Max tried and failed to cook boxed mac and cheese. I'm sure it could've been better had they not started throwing tide pods and thumb tacks in the boiling water with the noodles. Needless to say, I had an apple instead.

I sat with George in the garden tonight rather than up on the rooftop. He had a lit cigarette between his lips as he watered his plants with the green garden hose that usually sat rolled up alongside the building. He hummed to himself sometimes, I noticed, and tonight was no exception. He told me once that they were melodies he was working on, so I listened to his soft humming and tried to imagine how the songs would sound.

My toes skimmed the top layer of the sand, mindlessly drawing patterns of my own alongside Joji's.

He didn't pressure me to talk about last night or this morning, but I knew he would want to talk about it eventually. If his talk with me at the park gave me any idea of how he felt, I knew he'd soon encourage me to run with this opportunity to end my relationship with Gavin. Not for his own benefit, probably, but because the relationship wasn't a healthy one, like he'd said. He's right, of course, and I do need to end it. I'm scared though, and I feel like explaining that is easier said than done.

There's one thing I knew for sure, at least. If I ever wanted anything with Joji, I would need to let go of Gavin.

I looked up, finding him still preoccupied with tending to his plants and careful not to breath smoke directly on them. His cheeks hallowed as he took another drag and his eyes met mine. I looked away quickly, embarrassed at having been caught staring, but I knew he didn't mind. Why...why did I have the feeling he was an angel on Earth? Too good for not only me but this godforsaken planet. Sometimes I wished we could know who our soulmates were so I could know if he was mine or not. I wish he could be, but what a shitty deal for him, huh?

"What are you thinking about?" He asked from across the yard. I looked up at the Italian restaurant esque string lights that hung above my head. Joji told me he'd hung them himself "for a vibe." He plugged them in just for me tonight, and they were gorgeous indeed.

"Soulmates." I blurted. My eyes shot to his at my inadvertent confession. A tiny smile pulled at the corner of his mouth before he hid it. His black hair, shiny as ever, glistened under the lights, reminding me of how he looked under the street lamp.

"Oh, I like that topic. What exactly about soulmates?" He grinned, setting the hose down and moving towards the valve to shut off the water. I think normally I would've been a bit embarrassed by such a silly, girly topic, but I felt so comfortable with him that I gave it a chance.

"If there was any way to tell when you've met them." I murmured when he came to sit on the wooden bench beside me and sunk his bare feet in the sand. I let one leg dangle over the sand, skimming it lightly while my other leg curled beneath my body.

"Hm." He considered what I'd said and stared at the fence that separated us from his neighbors. "Have you tried asking the astrologists?" He teased.

"Oh, fuck off." I laughed, shoving him in the arm and throwing him a little off balance. He caught himself on the bench and laughed.

"Okay, okay. In all seriousness, I think it there's a lot of ways to tell. I think, maybe, there's electricity when you touch. Or you feel like you can be completely yourself around them. And the person can make anywhere feel like home as long as they are around. You want to be around them all of the time and you can't stop thinking about them." He took another drag from his smoke as he stared at the fence and I watched him, fascinated.

"You can feel their pain. When they hurt, you hurt, even if it's got nothing to do with you. And It feels weird to even consider loving this person already because you've just met and you don't want to look like a fucking weirdo. But at the same time, it's this gut feeling. You just know which is fucking cheesy and stupid but it's true. You look at he--them, and, uh, you think 'Fuck this is it. This is the person I've been waiting for.'"

It was silent for a minute while we both absorbed his words before he looked back down at me.

"It sounds like you know from experience." I commented, watching him curiously as the far away look in his eyes faded away.

"I've been thinking about it a lot lately." He admitted, exhaling hard and looking at the fence again. My foot swung in tiny circles, grazing the sand with the most delicate touch. What he'd said reminded me about how I felt for him, honestly. I don't know much about soulmates, nor had I put much time into thinking about them but I couldn't have said it any sweeter than Joji did.

"What about you?" His attention returned to me once again.

"I don't know, I kinda like your definition." I leaned into him, bumping his arm with my own but he didn't reciprocate the playfulness.

"Well, what do you think about soulmates though? Do you think you know who yours is?" He piped, now watching me as curiously as I had been watching him a minute ago.

Yes

"No." I lied, not meeting his eyes. "I mean, I don't know. Who does though, right?" I tried to make up for it by joking around. I promised Ian I wouldn't hurt George and telling him I thought maybe he was meant for me sounded like an extremely mean, selfish thing to say when you're an emotional train wreck like me. If there was ever a time for this conversation, it wasn't now. The place was nice, though.

"Right." He gave me a half smile in return and looked away. I looked up at the lights above us, twinkling like stars and swaying lightly with the breeze. I listened to the sounds of him inhaling and exhaling as he smoked. We sat in mostly silence while I thought about what to say next. I wish I could tell him I was lying and that I was having these feelings about him but I felt like it wasn't the right time yet. I think we were both hovering around the same conclusion but we hadn't had the conversation yet and I had so many conflicting emotions about my feelings for him along with other things that... it was just a little too messy right now.

Very soon though... because as I looked over at him and felt my heart race just at the sight, I knew I wouldn't be able to hold in my feelings for much longer. 

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A/N: Next chapter is MATURE, you've been warned! 

If you wish to read the more explicit version, AO3 link is on my profile