rainbow boy - minsung

puma

"hopefully. " felix hit my shoulder, wanting a better answer than that.
"hey. fine." i giggled. "then yes. i will see you tomorrow." felix laughed and slowly walked back to the car , waving all the way til the car drove out of view.

and i returned inside my house, exhausted and alone as kat was asleep.

and the thoughts came back sooner than later...

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i didn't sleep that night. i was up til 3. stuck in my head. lost in my thoughts. dealing with pain. i hate to inform you that i display a very pretty fake smile. and i wasn't gonna let felix know. although some aspects of the weekend made me overjoyed and happy to be with him, i was so anxious and ruined.

the toll that night took on my heart gave me a ton of hate for myself. and i had no way to cope. just me and the overwhelming anxiety i've dealt with for too long.

but that was yesterday. today was a new day right?

it started at 6:45 as it did every morning, a while before i'd make the walk to school. i stood in my kitchen with the news on behind us and kat at the kitchen island drinking a small coffee.

" you gonna eat, ji?" my sister asked. i stuttered for a second, still a bit under the weather in my mind. "uh... i'll be ok..." i replied.

"you know i'm not mad at you right...? just a little upset you didn't tell me and now i can't see emma and... i mean a few other things but. i still love you. and i'm not gonna hold this against you forever. or at all. everyone just needs time to heal." kat explained.

i sniffed a bit, easily turning red as if i was going to cry. but i couldn't. i just picked up my bag and walked out the door. it was a bit misty from last nights weather. i guess it rained.

i dressed rather low today. grey hoodie with
some random school initials, black jeans, , sneakers, and an expression of down. my shoulders felt all tingly under my heavy backpack straps.

i didn't want to go to school... i didn't want to associate with anyone. i couldn't show my face. i figured if i had a small cry now, i could avoid it later. and so i let myself cry a bit on the walk to the building and made sure i was calm when i arrived.

i went straight to homeroom despite the five minutes remaining. i sat in my seat and hesitated to see if emma was here or not. i was so nervous to be around these people again.

i laid my head in my arms and i didn't look up. but a sudden weight told me her presence had arrived . i didn't move. i didn't want to interact with anyone.

i almost fell asleep there too but the pains in my stomach kept me awake until the dismissal bell rang. and when i tell you i bolted out of there, i bolted out so fast that i couldn't even say sorry to the three people i ran into. 

at least i didn't have a class with any of these people again until i saw emma in math. and she was on the other side of the class so luckily i shouldn't have that much trouble. 

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i didn't go to lunch that day either.  i hid in the library on my laptop writing some stupid essay i didn't want to do at all. i mean i could always just skip it. i don't see why. felix would be pretty mad at me for skipping lunch wouldn't he... but i just couldn't show my face. ninety percent of that table hated my guts and was just so upset with me.

but why didn't my opinion change. why don't i hate hyunjin and why am i still having such feelings for minho? why do i still see chris as a brother and emma as my best friend? 

hyunjin i just can't come to grips with hating. the word has such a strong meaning and i just don't feel that way toward him. i think his excuses were valid enough to not be excuses, but rather reasons and facts to follow. i feel like hyunjin just had some underlying hate for me before any of this even happened. and he was just waiting to pounce on me. like a puma almost... yikes. that sent even more fearful shivers through my back. 

i couldn't get minho off my mind either. i hadn't lost feelings. but at this point he doesn't deserve someone as terrible as me. but god the way i craved just a little touch from him. to touch his finger softly or play with his hair. i mean i craved to do a lot more than that but i would be so grateful for just eye contact . the chocolate gaze he gave me was sweet and full of pure beauty. the way i just wanted to have him to love and shower with all the happiness he deserves.

my mind kind of traces a few other random thoughts. what if minho and i had done more than just simple pecks and cuddles. it made my chest sting and my stomach buzz. was... that a good thing to feel? i mean -  the more i thought about it the more i realized that...

maybe things like that aren't that bad. maybe it really was a way of showing love. maybe i would like something like that... and typically my mind did not go places like that. but i stuck in that thought for a while.

although after me fucking up i think its a guarantee minho wouldn't even go within six feet of me. i passed him in the hallway today. head held low, hair all messy, and gaze straight to the floor. but emma had come up behind him and tapped his shoulder and all the sadness left him. it was odd. emma and i were pretty much in the same position here?

 i guess it was only me who minho hated .