rainbow boy - minsung

brother

i began to tell him all the things about minho that i adored so much and how i thought he was like heaven on earth. but felix was tired and had drifted off, grabbing my arm like a stuffed animal and slowly hitting slumber.

i soon let my mind join him and we drifted away from today into tomorrow .

--------------------------------

i hadn't had many one on one sleepovers with felix, but they were quite enjoyable. and he was really helpful. we actually made it a double sleepover and spent the weekend together to help me cheer up. he wouldn't let me go home until he was sure that i was ok.

we went out for ice cream, played in the rain, and did tons of things that kids would have done on their days off. and it made me feel young again. and boy did i miss my childhood. i mean.. part of it.

i missed the innocence. but everything else i can just relive through nostalgia. i mean some things bothered me. fighting parents, a little sister to care for, raising myself. there was a lot of challenges. and i had overcome them to get where i was now.

i met felix in sixth grade and he became an instant source of light in my life. never had any feelings for the boy though, and i'm not sure why. i saw him more like a brother or just a best friend for life. and he saw me as the same. practically inseparable. at one point this weekend we just looked at all our old videos and pictures from middle school. embarrassing ourselves at how stupid we are. and it made me laugh.

now the day was calm. up upon his rooftop you could easily get to through the bedroom window. watching the sunset. although felix was waiting for the stars. he loved to try and count the myriad of tiny dots that plastered the night sky .

"heh. it's actually funny, lix... i had my first kiss on a roof top. " i said with a little embarrassment. it was weird to think. days had past and although my heart can't ever be fixed completely, felix did patch it up with little band-aids. he was such a kind soul.

"what was it like..? " felix asked with interest. "i mean i never kissed someone on the lips so, tell me about it." he smiled brightly and turned toward me, the sun slowly painting an orange sky behind him as it dipped below the clouds.

"well. i actually was the one who did it. and i always wanted to kiss them but i just never knew when. and they kept rambling on and on and on one day about how 'terrible' they were and i had enough. and so i shut them up. and it wasn't as nasty as you'd think. the emotion is overtaking you too much that you don't even realize what you've done." i explained.

and man... the emotions came back like a breath of wind. chilly wind, too. because you know.. it's february. valentines day was next saturday, too. i completely forgot about that. guess i would be alone for that too? i mean, 16th years a charm... r-right?

"what did your heart feel like? what did the touch feel like? how did they react? come on, ji, you gotta tell me!" felix was like a child who just wanted to hear the rest of a fantasy book about princesses and kings. like the anticipation of a fairy tale.

i completed my explanation. "well. my heart was racing and almost jumped out of my chest. and it tingled all warm and fuzzy for a while. i get chills every time i think of it. and i think they reacted rather well as they leaned in for a second one later that night. but it doesn't feel all nasty, and like i said you barley notice it. but if you must ask, its just a little soft touch. nothing big. i mean, some people take it further but, for me it was always sweet and simple. i actually get kind of anxious over the idea of taking things too far. "

felix understood. i mean, especially with being gay i was afraid, and i mean genuinely anxious, about topics like this. i just preferred the softer side of things. although people say that when couples do these things they feel nothing but true love i don't think that. i think a lot of it is emotional, not physical... right?

like don't get me wrong. i'll give hugs and hold someone and hold hands and cute shit, but i don't know how long it would take me to get comfortable enough with someone to carry on . why am i thinking about this... topic change.

" i'm kind of scared to have my first kiss jisung. i mean what if i do it wrong! whoever it is would find me so weird. " felix ducked his light ginger blonde hair into his knees, the top of his head matching the shade of the fading sunday night sunset. unfortunately i would be heading home soon, too. tomorrow we had school.

"i bet whoever it's with you'll have it just fine. whoever it is." i said to reassure my friend. i put my arm around his neck and carefully pulled him into my arm , making sure i didn't shove him off the roof.

———————

after a bit of time and a yummy meal felix's mom drove me to my house again. felix and i stood outside my door as he held my hands in his tiny fingers grasp.

"you promise you'll be ok? please call me if you need anything jisung ... don't do anything bad ok? you had a good weekend, remember? and i love you, han. you've been the best big brother figure for as long as i can remember. " felix gave me a hug and didn't let go until i gave him the embrace back again.

"thank you , lix. bad things could've happened if it weren't for you..." i stated. i got a bit teary eyed and so i knew it was time to go before i got too emotional.

"i'll see you tomorrow?" the young boy asked. his freckles showing very visibly as his face turned pale with the cold wind.

"hopefully. " felix hit my shoulder, wanting a better answer than that.
"hey. fine." i giggled. "then yes. i will see you tomorrow." felix laughed and slowly walked back to the car , waving all the way til the car drove out of view.

and i returned inside my house, exhausted and alone as kat was asleep.

and the thoughts came back sooner than later...