rainbow boy - minsung

on my shoulder

"bye bye, binnie." felix called out as the small black car drove away. you could easily tell that tingles remained in the boys body as felix's tiny fingers traced his cheek. he stared until the taillights were out of sight and then turned to remember that i was here too.

his little hand reached out and i hesitated, not knowing the sweet boy had wanted me to take it. "come on. i'm gonna help you out."

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 i took felix's tiny fingers in to my grip and we walked inside. his mother gave us both big, warm hugs before we could even settle down. "you boys are freezing! let me make you some warm cocoa and you boys go change, before you get sick!" 

felix escorted me up to his room and let me pick out some clothes. luckily he was taller by an inch so our clothes were the same size. i settled for some old band t-shirt and more pajama pants. felix quickly changed into a messy outfit as well before leading me back downstairs to his mother who had two cups of hot chocolate out swirled with a perfect dollop of whipped cream. 

felix and i picked up our mugs and thanked his mother before heading down into the basement. i had not said anything the whole time besides thanking her. and felix was noticing more and more at my low behavior. 

i didn't drink the cocoa despite the chills that ran through my spine and lots of shivering. i didn't want it. felix gathered up some warm blankets and laid them on the couch we were sitting on. felix sat beside me as i just sat up and looked at the floor, slouching a bit. 

felix placed the mug in his hands down and leaned his head on my shoulder. "i can tell something is wrong, han... whats going on in your head? did i do any part of it?" felix spoke softly , the vibrations from his words on my shoulders. 

it came all like a flashback . all at once. the moment and the energy and everything just rushed back to my head, leading to me breaking down once again in front of felix who was quick to hug me into his embrace. "its ok, han. you're ok. whatever is hurting you , you are safe now." 

i wanted to feel safe. but the burdening weight upon my shoulders was yet to be lifted and felix would have to change his shirt if i kept crying a river down his sleeve. but he had been a good shoulder to cry on. i hugged him back and just cried for a moment. felix was so silent and still. 

"i'm such a terrible person..." i cried into his sleeve, causing muffled words. 

"shhh... don't say such things. you've never done anything wrong, jisung-"

"but see i did." i cut him off, leaning away from the hug to look into his gaze with my glassy and red filled eyes. they were starting to burn a bit from the amount of water they poured tonight. and i wonder what would have happened if i had gone home alone. something bad could have occurred. 

"then tell me what happened. i'm gonna listen." felix said sincerely as he smiled to comfort me in the situation. felix was so positive and always had a way of just keeping even dark moments like this light. 

"felix i... " i took a deep breath and looked away in a guilty look. "i'm gay felix... and i ... i wasn't dating emma for real. it was-" i stopped my sentence there and finished my cries before just being a shaking mess with clearer speech. 

"i was embarrassed of liking minho... and they all found out. and now everyone just..." my eyes teared again. " hates me." i fell into my palms again to wipe away the tears. felix leaned his chin on top of my fallen head and slowly brushed my back with his hands in a soft and relaxing way. 

"that doesn't make you a terrible person... and why would anyone hate you? think of it this way. if they are truly your friends then i think they'd take you back. and yes. that was pretty shitty jisung and i can tell chris is probably pissed but things happen. and i know how hard it was to hide the secret of your sexuality. i mean, damn, changbin kissed my cheek tonight . i bet if minho kissed you you'd flip out as well." felix explained. but i just had to tell him that i did. 

"we already did kiss... several times. on our vacation." felix had a noticeable mood change that  was both positive and negative. he appeared to be excited at the idea of the kissing but his expression faded as if he realized something. 

it was silent for a second, which scared the hell out of me , thinking i was in trouble. "that really hurt minho... didn't it? he thought you were just using him and the love was fake." i nodded at the correct explanation. we laid down against the couch and felix threw a blanket over him. i didn't want one. 

"yea... i was pretty stupid. " i sighed. i had calmed myself down now although the anxiety and ideas of dealing with these people in the future couldn't help but linger in my mind and worry me. but now was not the time. felix was just so comforting that i forgot the moment was going on. we had dimmed the basement lights so we could try to fall asleep, although we stayed up and talked the majority of the night.

"so tell me jisung. do you still like minho?" felix asked. and i thought. and i did. i really liked minho still but, i bet he didn't even like me as a stranger . 

"yea. and i don't get why..." i explained. felix said that sometimes you just have to ramble out what you're saying rather than thinking it to better understand yourself. and so he let me run my thoughts out to him as he rested against my shoulder on the couch. felix did not have any romantic attraction to me, more like a brother. so we trusted each other with things like this. 

but he was affectionate with everyone. whether it be hand holding or falling asleep on your shoulder as he was close to doing on me. 

"well... " 

i began to tell him all the things about minho that i adored so much and how i thought he was like heaven on earth. but felix was tired and had drifted off, grabbing my arm like a stuffed animal and slowly hitting slumber. 

i soon let my mind join him and we drifted away from today into tomorrow .