rainbow boy - minsung

anxiety

It was his favorite thing to play us around the fire pit on nights of celebration or birthdays at his house. I closed my eyes and just listened to him sing. I think I fell asleep after my favorite part? I don't remember exactly. I just remembered him humming the words.

"One for the fame, one for the game..."
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I woke up chilly, forgetting it had snowed the night before. Most of it was melted but the air was still a chilly breeze.

I felt goosebumps on my skin from the freezing air coming through a small crack in my window. Quickly I shot up to close it. It was still a bit early as normally I'd wake up around 10, but it was 8:30.

Kat was still sound asleep in her room. I didn't have to leave my bed to tell that. She could sleep til the world ended .

My phone vibrated a few times. Just Twitter. I never posted anything on twitter, just had it for the updates in music and any events I might be interested in. So I scrolled til I found something interesting.

Minho and texted me late last night, probably when I fell asleep. He just brought up how I fell asleep so he hung up to not disturb me.

That was sweet of him. But I probably would've had just as much peace in my sleep if he kept playing. Maybe more. I love his music and everything about it.

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A bit of time went by and I ate breakfast, texted Chan to confirm he was bringing Emma today, and forgot Kat existed cause she was still asleep.

But with all the thinking about Emma recently I think I've come to a conclusion on why. I feel like... I don't like her anymore. And I have no idea what caused that. I just didn't get those tingles or warm feelings anymore.

I got them from someone else. From Minho? And I'm honestly scared... I'm gonna end up hurting someone if this is true. I just can't.

I felt hot and red again, but it wasn't love. It was anxiety. I wanted to sob but it was only a light cry. I felt myself shaking a bit which scared me. I never really felt like this around anyone else but my mother.

Although I didn't want too and felt I'd be annoying or a burden, I just wanna talk to someone about this. I wanted to talk to Emma.

I would hope that since she isn't one of the main group members of us nine boys she wouldn't be targeted to ask things too.

I knew she'd be coming over soon, and to calm myself before hand. I settled on taking my shower now before she came in an hour or so so hopefully cold water could smooth me a bit.

I made sure of course that Kat was fed and ok first before myself. She didn't take too long but I still wanted to have a quick shower to be ready on time.

I started the water at a hotter temperature so by the time I was ready to get in it was nice in the middle. I was picking my clothes out as it was running.

After probably a good ten minutes of closet roaming I settled on something comfy for staying home as I was not going out in this weather. I settled on a light pink, oversized hoodie with some black shorts, and for the hell of it some knee high white socks.

I had a style going this year as normally I'd just wear whatever came to eye in my closet. I was probably a mess all through middle school and freshman year with my clothes. But Chan I think taught me the most about how to dress nicely or at least matching.

He would always wear darker colors so I'd just take his ideas and make them brighter. Pink wasn't my first choice but it was all I could find before I remembered the shower was running.

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After my refreshing shower I quickly put on my outfit and walked to the front door. Chan said he was on his way five minutes earlier so I felt the need to rush. But of course he didn't show up for another 6 minutes.

I mean it was probably just cause of the snow but if not I wouldn't mind. When they did get here was all that mattered. Because it made that anxious feeling come back.

It wasn't as bad as before, but my stomach still turned in knots. When it finally went away Emma had made it to the door step. Chan said he'd be back after he finished his homework which gave us at least an hour or two.

She was wearing black jeans, a red school shirt, a flannel, and a chain in her pocket clipped to her jeans. You'd easily be able to tell they're related. And if that didn't give it away, they both had curl like hairs. Chan's wasn't as tight as his sisters but he always had waves.

"Hey... come on in." I welcomed her holding the door open. After she smiled and stepped in the house I gently closed the door and guided her up to my room.

"How have you been recently?" She asked me. I felt the feeling comeback, but I knew I had to actually open my mouth this time . She was trustworthy for sure. And hopefully would understand that... that I didn't like her anymore.

"I've been. Eh... ok." I answered once we reached my bed. I closed the blinds to make a calmer setting and block out Minho from being a... well, mean hoe.

"That's something to talk about." The curly headed girl say bad against the corner of my bed and the wall to make herself comfortable. "What happened?" She asked calm and softly.

"Emma I don't want you to be hurt by anything... but is it ok if I talk to you about what's been going on." I hesitated to ask. Sitting on the edge of the bed and staring down.

"That's why I gave you my number, Ji. Somethings on your mind and I wanna help you out." She moved closer to me. Next to my side on the edge of the bed. "I'm gonna be here for you just as much as anyone else is." She leaned her head on my should to comfort me, and it really helped.

"So you didn't have a crush on me back?" I asked, kinda of hoping she didn't. "Oh no... I didn't. I'm sorry , Ji." She said feeling guilty.

"No no! It's ok! I actually wanted to say I don't think I have feelings for you anymore..." and finally it was out. I felt a million positive and negative feelings mix in my mind.

Then I felt something warm. It was Emma's small hand on top of my own. They were soft and gentle. Her head still rested on my shoulder so I laid my head on top of hers. "What're you gonna tell Chan..." she asked softly.

That's when the stomach ache came back to me. I wasn't aware she knew what her older brother had asked of me. But I assume she was told I had to be there for her.

"I'm not gonna tell him anything."