My Allegiance (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter 19: Denial

INTRO: You can't help but feel completely guilty. Does Myra feel the same as you? Maybe you're not going insane?
*tw* choking
-
This morning you still feel awful about what you did. Last night you'd hoped sleep would wash away the guilt, but somehow, it's only heightened it. You're just glad you don't have to see Kylo today, otherwise, you might vomit.

You decide to head down to the flight control center to visit Myra. First, you check your data pad and are relieved at the lack of messages. The only message is from Master Derk, thanking you for your report. You feel that familiar pang of guilt from last night, and try your best to shake it off. Everyone else in your group probably feels guilty as well, right? Maybe you can ask Myra when you see her.

You throw on a dark green jumpsuit, grab your data pad, and walk down a flight of stairs to the flight control center. You've never actually been inside, so you're slightly nervous about getting in someone's way. When you arrive, Myra happens to be standing outside and appears to be taking notes.
"What are you doing here?" she gushes, running up to you and giving you a hug.
"Commander Ren gave me the day off," you say, almost accidentally saying 'Kylo' instead of 'Commander.' Gods, you're glad you caught yourself, otherwise, imagine the kinds of questions that would raise.
"That's cool," Myra says. "I'm swamped. I had two flights to oversee this morning and I have another one tonight. This job is insane!"
"Aw, I'm sorry! I wish I could be down here with you and help."
"Me too! How's your job going?"
You shrug. "It's fine, I guess. We don't interact that much."
"Really?" Myra says. "You know, you can tell me more about him if you'd like." Fuck.
"Myra, we've been over this. There's nothing going on."
"Okay, but if there was, you'd tell me, right?" she nudges you playfully. You sigh, feeling butterflies in your stomach just thinking about him.
"Okay, I guess he is a little bit hot," you joke, letting her into your life just a little bit. She squeals.
"I knew it! You do like him!"
"Hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves," you giggle. "I barely know him."
"Have you seen him without his mask? What does he actually look like?" she says, her voice getting higher with excitement.
"Not yet," you say. You don't want to let her into that part of him. Something about you being one of the only people who's ever seen his face is special to you, and you want to keep it that way.
"Well, if you do, let me know," she says. "I'm not even sure if he's human."
"Oh, he's human," you say. "A very mysterious one for sure."
Myra nods, looking out across the hangar. "Glad you're enjoying your job."
"Oh, I meant to ask you," you say, remembering your question. "Do you ever feel, well, I don't know...guilty about giving First Order information to Master Derk?"
Myra looks at you in complete confusion. "Uh, no."
"Huh," you say. "I do every time."
"That's strange," Myra says. "Do you know why?"
"No clue," you say, lying once again. "Just wanted to know if you feel the same."
"Hmm. Well, as of right now, I don't. But if I ever do, I'll let you know!" she says.
"Thanks," you say, smiling at her. "Are you on a break?"
"No, but I will be in two minutes," she says, glancing at her data pad. "Let's meet James at the Mess Hall."
"Alright," you say. Myra runs back inside the flight control center to gather up her supplies, then you both walk down a few flights of stairs to get to the massive cafeteria.

When you arrive, James has already saved a table for you and Myra, but Rowan is sitting there too. You almost stop in your tracks, but manage to keep walking. The fuck is she doing here?
"Hi James, hi Rowan!" Myra says, kind as usual.
"Hi," James says, scooting over to make room for her. That leaves the other side of the table for you...and Rowan.
"Hey Rowan," you say, trying to be nice.
She nods in your general direction and slides as far as she can to the other end of the bench. Gods, what is this? It feels like your old days in training - ugh, the cliques were awful.
"Do you guys have a busy day today?" James asks.
"Commander Ren gave her the day off," Myra says, nodding to you. "So unfair."
"Did he?" Rowan pipes up, glaring at you. "How nice."
"Yes," you say briskly.
"What about you?" James asks Myra.
"I'm so busy. Earlier..." She goes into her spiel about her long day and all the things she needs to get done, and it starts to make you feel useless in a way. What are you contributing to the First Order, or to your team? Myra's got all these responsibilities, and you're...Kylo Ren's hookup? Sure, you're providing information, but at what cost?