My Allegiance (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter 29: Piece by Piece

INTRO: The beginning of the end.
*tw:* slight violence
-
You take a deep breath, trying to recover and get rid of the numbness that has taken over your body. Even though Kylo left you less than ten minutes ago, it feels like it's been hours since you've seen him. And now, you'll never be seeing him again.

Ever.

That part hadn't quite sunk in yet. Yes, you'd prepared yourself for leaving, you'd planned the whole thing out yesterday and was fully ready to call in a transport. But now that your group has been exposed, that's somehow changed your feelings about the whole situation. The secret is out, so why should you have to leave now?

Of course, you know it's because of your treason. You just didn't expect Kylo to throw you out so quickly.

But on the other hand, you can understand how he feels. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn't know how to go on. Which is scarily similar to how you're feeling at the moment, actually. How are you going to go back to Dagobah right now? How are you going to train to become a Jedi, now that you have Kylo's training ingrained in you? You thought you were ready to leave yesterday. Now that a transport is on its way, you have no idea how you're going to get on and go back to your old life.

You slowly try and stand up, careful to make sure you don't lose your balance. The emotional overload of the last ten minutes has taken a toll on your body, and you aren't sure how much strength you have left in you. You were hoping Kylo would never find out about your past life and that you could leave peacefully, without him knowing. Somehow, now that he knows, everything is worse.

You regain your balance and take a few steps around your room. You try and make a list of tasks in your head to do before you leave: make your bed, pack up your things, hurry out. You still haven't received any messages about the transport from Master Derk or General Arkins yet - maybe they aren't sending you away? Wishful thinking.

You walk over to your bed and rummage through to make sure you didn't leave anything in it. You then pull the covers up and tuck them in as the memories of Kylo's bed come flooding back to you. Parts of your life with him keep coming back to you in flashes: His gloves, tied around your wrists. His lips. His eyes. His body, pressed into yours. For once in your life, you don't try and shove these thoughts out, rather, you let them stay. You're desperate for any piece of him you can get right now.

You decide to pack up your clothes next. You start with your outfit from your first day here, when he was so rude to you. You laugh as you think about your early memories from the Finalizer: the first time he took information from you, the first time he told you his request, the first time he touched you...with every memory, the hole in your heart grows bigger. It's excruciating painful to bring up these old memories, but...it's what you want. Why not remember what you had with him before you forget?

Next, you pull out that black dress he had you wear. Gods, the memories from this dress. You remember the blue-green Command Room you wore it in, when he first showed you your completed lightsaber, how his hands roamed over your curves and down the slit in the dress. Then the night after, when you showed him your power, and how he doesn't 'decide what you do.' You smile as you think about the expression on his face that night when you wore his gloves. Your heart flutters as you remember just how much he enjoyed it.

You pack up your other clothes but stop once you get to the red dress you wore yesterday. If you had the choice, you'd burn this dress forever, along with the memories that go with it. The thing is, it was devastating for you to say goodbye. But for him? He threw you away like you meant nothing....you shudder. No, only the happy memories. If you think any more negatively, you'll drive yourself insane.