My Forever - Nessa Barrett and Josh Richards

~Part 38~

JOSH'S POV

I watched the door close behind Nessa and Bryce and Griffin were next to me "Josh what happened are you okay?" Bryce asked me and griffin put his hand on my shoulder. I just turned and walked quickly up to my room.

"I love her" I said and stared at the wall just motionless like nothing was left me. I heard them talking outside my door "Jaden your good at this talk to him he's not okay" I heard who I thought was Bryce say. "Please" Griff said. Then I saw the door open and Jaden walk in and sit down next to me.

"Bud what's going on?" He asked me concerned. "We broke up." I said and he looked shocked. "What how you guys were so good" I nodded "I know. She was right though. We care more about each other then we care about ourselves. I don't care what happens to me as long as she's happy. You should have seen her Jaden she was so broken so hurt. She thought she was nothing she told me if she didn't have me she felt like she'd disappear. I needed her to see that wasn't true Jay" I explained and he gave me a hug.

"You did the right thing Josh" he said "I needed It too. I have to make sure I'm not just some fuck boy whose girlfriend masked that part of me" he nodded "I know your not and I also know that when your ready you and Nessa will come back to each other" I agreed and laid down on my bed and I didn't sleep.

I just closed my eyes and thought about her until the sun rose.

NESSA'S POV

No one ever tells you how much worse the pain gets. It's not instant. Today is so much worse then I could have imagined. My whole body hurts, it's not just my heart, it's like I can't move without him crossing my mind, u can't breathe without it hurting. The girls came and hugged me and told me everything would be okay and that I'm strong

I don't feel strong. I feel like shit. I feel like nothing. I feel exactly how I was afraid I would feel. Empty. Gone. Alone. It doenst matter that there were seven girls in this room with me. I still felt alone.

I felt alone for the next two days. I just cried and walked around with no purpose. I didn't see him. People just came to check on me every few hours to make sure I was still here.

I thought about not being here. I really did. I can't do it though. I care to much about Josh to do that to him. Today I will make a promise.

I looked at myself in the mirror "Janesa Barrett you're gonna stay on this earth. No matter what they say. No matter what happens. No matter how bad it gets. You stay. You don't give up. You owe him and yourself that much." I locked my pinkies and let the tears fall down my face.

You have to be strong Ness there's no other option. I got changed for the first time today, it was just a black long sleeve crop top and burgundy leggings but it was somthing . I wore that same outfit because it smelled like him for two days. Our 8 month anniversary is tomorrow. I had been posting drafts for the last two days and people were noticing they weren't with Josh.

I filmed a few today and posted them and everyone was commenting that we broke up. How do they just know. My phone rang and it was Josh. I started to cry but stopped myself "hello" I answered. "Hey Ness would you mind coming over to film a video today" he said his voice shaky. "Yeah sure I'll see you soon" I said and I hung up.

I took a deep breath and put on my outfit I would wear to my photo shoot after and did my makeup. "Nessa if you wear makeup you can't cry" I told myself and left for the apartment Josh and Jaden we're staying in while they "re worked" sway. Their all sway boys at heart I know they they know it everyone knows it.

I got there and I already knew the video we had to make. "I know how hard this is gonna be" he said and he hugged me. I nodded and we sat down. "So Josh broke up with me" I joked and he laughed. We made some jokes but he said "did you do your makeup so you wouldn't cry?" I brushed it off and changed the subject. Damnit he knows me too well.

This whole video was a blur for me. He was talking I was talking I honestly don't know what I was saying. "Jessa is always gonna be forever" I said and he agreed. We hugged and he turned off the camera. I stood up. "Ness" he said "I have to go I have a photo shoot" I said quickly and waved goodbye.

I got in the car I was renting and looked straight ahead. "Their all gonna know" I said. "No no crying no crying not right now" I told myself and drove to my photo shoot.

At some point I got home and got into bed hugging Mads goodnight and fell asleep. Tomorrow is going to be awful.

*the next day*
8 months. The best 8 months of my life. I took a deep breath and went to get up but couldn't. It hurt again. I wanted to move I wanted to push on but I couldn't. I started sobbing uncontrollably and my phone dinged. "Josh Richards posted a new YouTube video we broke up check it out"

Fuck. Josh I can't do this. I can't do it. It was on tik tok room everyone was posting sad edits. I liked them I didn't care of they knew I just wanted to. I laid in bed all day crying and watching all the videos I could.

That's it Nessa your gonna do somthing with your pain. Stop just sitting here feeling bad for yourself. It's not doing anything. I grabbed a notebook and started to write.

I wrote and wrote and somehow it turned into a song. it wasn't perfect but it was something. It was my distraction. It was what I needed.

It just came out of me like it was nothing and when I was done I named it. Pain.

That's the only thing I could possibly call it because that's all I felt. I was hurt. I felt awful. It felt like no one could possibly save me like I was hanging on by my last shred of hope that things could get better somehow.

This is my chance to make somthing of myself. Things might actually be able to get better.

Little did I know how bad things could possibly get. Fuck this.