Since I Saw You Last - Michael Clifford

Chapter Thirty Eight.

“Why did you do it?” he yelled.

It was Michael.
I suddenly sit up scared from his abrupt action. I looked at him with a blank expression, fearing what he could say next. He found out, he found out in some way that I couldn’t explain. How the hell could he know about it when he just came back? Ashton must’ve told him, I’m sure. But he promised me, he promised he wouldn’t as Phoebe did, but I guess she was the only one who kept it. Why worry him while he wanted to have fun? Why call him? I feel like a huge weight to everybody in here. I feel like everyone tries to protect me and everything is about me, everything happens because of me. I don’t want them to see me as a problem, as the little problematic girl with issues that needs someone to save her because she is not able to herself. This situation is awful.

“Why, baby, why did you do it?” he said, approaching me. His eyes had a hint of hurt –maybe even disappointment. I don’t want him to feel this way for me; I don’t want to make him feel bad. My reckless actions should not be the cause of his unhappiness –all I do in the end is disappoint him and hurt him. Michael does not deserve this. He deserves to be happy, and I am afraid that is not possible with me on his side.

“How did you find out?” I asked, as I trembled.

“It doesn’t matter how.” He responded, but I am sure one of my friends told him –there is no other way.

“Tell me.” I demanded. I would insist until he would tell me already, even if I knew the answer.

“I saw some pictures of you getting out of the hospital on twitter.” He admitted. That’s what I hate from fame and the media. You can’t go anywhere peacefully with no fear of being followed by paparazzi or fans.

“I am sorry Michael.” I said, so silently I could hardly hear it myself, and I curled myself up in a ball, hiding my face. I don’t want him to see me like this. He stands for a moment just in front of me and stares –now I know he is dissapointed from the look upon his face.

“I don’t understand you. I really don’t.” he says, and came to sit next to me and cupped my cheek, tilting my head slightly so I could face him. His thumb caressed my cheek and I let a tear fall.

“Don’t cry. Please.” He asked sweetly.

“I am sorry.” I repeated. He let go of my cheek and took my hands in his.

“Why?” He said, squeezing my hands gently and looking at me intensely in the eyes.

“I disappointed you again.” I mumbled, sadly. There was a constant frown on his face.

“You did not. I just feel bad, you know. I feel like maybe I’m not doing enough for you.” He said, looking away.

“What? You are doing more than enough, believe me. Don’t you dare say that again!” I said, turning my face to him. How could he ever say such a thing when he was the only one here beside me in the most difficult times? I wouldn’t dare to think of that even if I was the most stupid person in the world.

“Then what is it? What’s missing in your life?” he asked, as his voice cracked a little at the end.

What’s missing in my life? I was caught off guard with this question. I don’t know what’s missing from my life. Most of my dreams were becoming true. Why did I do it? Why did I fell into the temptation again? I had him. I lived with my best friends. My album was in progress. What else did I need? Maybe I know the answer; courage. I lacked of courage and positivity to go on with my life. All this seems so unreal than I pinch myself sometimes just to see if I am dreaming –but all of this was real. The thing is, I feel unable to cope with this. I still feel like I don’t deserve so much. It feels too weird to be finally happy, and I am scared. I don’t deserve to be happy, and all of this is happening too quickly.

“Nothing, Michael.” I smiled at him, weakly.

“Then why?” he frowned.

“I don’t deserve so much happiness. It feels weird.” I mumbled. I was afraid to say this; he would’ve thought I am crazy.

“Alex, you deserve all the best things in life. Are you kidding me?” he stated, for the first time dead serious.

“I don’t feel like I do.” I said, looking away.

“Bullshit. After all that you’ve been through, believe me, you deserve some peace. Some happiness. And I want to be able to give you the happiness you deserve.”

“Michael, do you know how much I am grateful for having you here?” I said, as a tear of joy left my eye hearing his words.

“I love you baby. Just remember that.”

“I love you too.”

We decided to forget about everything. What’s done is done, and according to a famous saying, there’s no use in crying over spilt milk. Of course I won’t say what I did was right. I finally admit I was stupid enough to do such a thing, because, in the end, I did not hurt only myself, but everyone around me. Everyone around me suffered because of me and my stupidity. How could I think that it was a solution? How could I think that all this time it would solve all my problems and I would feel better? It did not. I didn’t solve anything at all; in fact, it made matters worse. And now I know, now I understood I have to let go this part of me. It belongs back to the past, when I was vulnerable and weak. Now I am not that person anymore, I have changed. And so, my habits changed. So I have made my decision. No more self harming, no more giving up. I had to change, not only for myself and save me, but also for the people around me who care.

--

We were all sitting in the lounge room, as we had decided to watch a movie. “Scary Movie 1” was the one Calum insisted for us to watch, and he would whine all the time if we didn’t –he can be such a kid sometimes, but also play it as the bad guy. So this is why I was cuddled up to Michael on the couch and so was Phoebe to Luke. Ashton was sitting on the loveseat, not even watching the movie as his mind was elsewhere, I suppose, and Cal, was sitting on the floor, holding a bowl of pop corn. At some point, my phone went off and I reached for the table to grab it.

The name ‘Caroline’ appeared on my screen. I tapped the green button to answer.

“Hello?” I said, still quite surprised she called after ages.

“Alex, I am coming back.” She stated immediately, without any hello’s or anything.

She had made her decision, after months.

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FINALLY AFTER TWO MONTHS I UPLOADED. HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS! ANYWAYS, TO BE FORGIVEN, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ALL WANT TO KILL ME FOR NOT UPLOADING, I WILL UPLOAD 15 PARTS. YEP, YOU HEARD ME, 15! DON'T BELIEVE I'VE NOT BEEN WORKING ON IT. I WAS AND STILL AM! PLEASE RATE THIS FANFIC AND COMMENT IF YOU DO WANT THESE 15 PARTS. WELL, I WILL UPLOAD ANYWAY LOL. OKAY. BACK TO WORK!

-V xx